Monday, December 12, 2016

ED:1, Me:0.

Being out of normal routine (currently traveling) makes it even harder for me to eat and makes me more anxious while trying to eat. Ok, so ED kicked my ass this week but it could have been worse...

6/3 Fri.

210 am: 1/2 poptart    1/2S
11 am: 6 walnuts         1/2P
1230 pm: 1/4 turkey swiss mustard sandwich WH 3 turkey slices   1/2S 1/4P 1/4fat

6/4

10 am 4 oz pomegranate juice 1/2 F
1150 boiled egg P
120pm apple F
415 soft pretzel S
430 9 carrots V
Cheese stick fatttt
Juice diluted with water1/2 F
7 rice cake S
8 salad w pepper tomatoes carrots walnuts balsamic vinegar 2VP
1130 spicy tuna roll PS

6/5

115 pm  hard boiled egg P
220 Greek yogurt strawberry with granola DS
4 Philly roll SP fat
8 banana F
String cheese FAT
11 rice cake S

6/6 Mon

1050 am  banana F
230 1/2 veggie sandwich SV
8ish salmon muscles green beans muscles half WH hogie 2P V S

6/7

11 am banana F 
330 rice cake yogurt SD 
415 1/2 apple 
530 string cheese fat 
9 carrots V

6/8 Weds. (back in town)

1130 am  Muscle milk P 
Handful nuts P 
2 asparagus 
4ish Greek salad V fat 
2 bites jelly croissant 
7ish chx, 1/2 red potato, broc/califlower, 1/2 roll PSV

6/9

1030 am bagel with egg cheese 2SP fat
550 giant salad with carrots croutons olives peppers balsamic vin. blue cheese dressing and croutons 2VS fat
745 meatloaf mashed potatoes kale one mushroom and bread 2SPV. Purged. Shit. 

6/10

945-1030 am toast with thin layer grape jelly 1/2 cup grapefruit hard boiled egg SPF
145 Greek yogurt coconut D
5 handful nuts P
7 cheeseburger 2SP Fat


Dark Circles.

March 18th, 2015

It's a little after two in the morning. I'm trying to sleep. No such luck. Ed refuses to allow me sleep. My rational voice is too tired and Ed overpowers my mind in an instant. I don't even know its happening until it already has. Trying to catch a little glimpse while I'm in it. And so, a long night begins...

Ed: You ate too much today. EXERCISE. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgustingTomorrow has to be different. LAZY. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting. Forget the meal plan. CALORIES. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting. It will make you FAT. WEIGHT. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting. You've worked so hard to be perfect. ACHIEVABLE. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting.  Why give up now? WEAK. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting. Remember that feeling from earlier today? RELIEF. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting. How great it felt to put on those shorts that were way too big? SATISFACTION. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting. That feeling will keep getting better. TRY. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting. Eating doesn't make you feel good. HUNGER. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting. It doesn't allow you relief or satisfaction. FAST. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting.

Bleh.

Weakness/loss of control/vulnerability

How I feel about everything- taking med. Treatment eating

Maintain weight. Healthy eating habits. Healthy fitness routine. Self-acceptance.




I feel trapped in treatment because of the contract which makes me resistant



What if I don't want it enough?  What if this thing I'm fighting is really just fighting who I'm supposed to be? Maybe I really am superficial and vain and it all really is about how I look. I'm trying so damn hard to conquer something that I don't even know if I can or maybe if I even want to so whats the point? If this really is who I am then maybe I'm not even worth your time. Maybe I deserve to be trapped in this prison that I have allowed myself to build up around me. 

I'm sorry I push you away. Its one of my many flaws. Maybe I'm scared to be honest because it makes me vulnerable or maybe its just because I know that I am going to fuck up and then I'll be losing the only person that I think I really can trust and that sucks. I feel like I have so much to work through and I know if I'm ever going to be able to accomplish that it will be worked through with you because there are so many bad people in this world and its not that often I come across a person that is worthy of trust and maybe you have proven to me that you are and that scares me because I don't think I'm strong enough to live up to my end of the deal. 





I don't deserve to exist because im worthless and have nothing to prove selfworth in my life. Its not that I don't want to die I just don't really feel like im living and that life isn't worth it. the smaller I get the less of me there is to exist so essentially there is the concept that there is less of my shitty waste of space self on this earth.

I hate my body and literally wish I could just cut of inches of my flesh- from one day to the next I can look at my body and truly believe that I have gained instant pounds overnight even if it isn't reflected on the scale. I feel like im going crazy....




Ready to run/yoga!

Stomach pains?

3:30 a.m.

Victoria's application essay for UNCW. Call Laney. Baby shower??/
Liz is really pregnant... and excited? Baby shower. Twice. Emily had a secret baby!? Wait, what!


I need a "grown-up job". I love my job. I'm feeling the choreography vibe. I'm going to be a judge for our team companies.

Body checking. MIRRORS. Feel myself getting fat. Seeing myself get fat.

I wonder what I'm going to wear tomorrow.

Ughhh! I keep forgetting everything mid-thought.

... I wont look good in anything so I will just wear what ever. Costumes! Yay. No pancake tutus.

413641865375498593202243................

112.5.
18.6.
13.7%.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Recovery Progression

Week one- in my first week home in recovery I expect a roller-coaster. Good days and bad days. Hard times and easier times. I expect to have high urges most of the time as this is still the place I am in the recovery process. I do not think the voices will suddenly go away. In fact I think they will be louder without all the peer and meal support. I will have to work extra hard during my first week home to follow my meal plan as it will be critical to my process ongoing.
Week six- by week six I believe my recovery process will still be very fragile. With good days and bad days. By week 6 I think I will be struggling quite a bit emotionally as I will be seeing a new therapist as mine will be out on maternity leave. So this time period will also be crucial in my recovery. This is around the time I started crashing the last time I got out of treatment and having this hindsight could be helpful for me moving forwards.
Six months- hopefully six months into recovery I will be able to make it through my meals without crying. I will still be having urges but it will be easier to ignore them and do the next best thing. I believe I will still have to take it meal by meal and moment by moment. I do not expect recovery to be easy at this point in my process. I think this is important to be aware of. Hopefully I will be able to run by this point in my journey in moderation. Running is something I was loved until I started abusing it as a means to lose weight and run myself into the ground,
One year- It is hard for me to imagine being in recovery for a year but I hope I can get there. I hope I will be stable in my meal plan by this point. I still do not think it will be easy or that I wont have urges but hopefully the urges will just be a fleeting thing in the back of my mind. It almost seems like a dream to me to make it to a year of recovery and I really don't know what it will hold for me. I can only write about what I hope for it to be. I hope to be dating again. I hope to be stable in my job and not worrying all the time about working out or over working out my kids in dance (although I will be doing this from the time I get back to work with conscious effort).
Six years- Again, I have no idea what recovery will look like in six years. Or what my life will look like in general so I can only fantasize about what I think I want my life to look like. Hopefully I will be married. Wow, that sounds so weird. I want to settle down and spend my life with someone. I will be intuitively eating and exercising by this point. Probably still having the occasional eating disorder thought but then just moving on with my day. I will have graduated grad school and will have a steady job.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

How does my black and white thinking effect my recovery and keep me stuck in my ED?

      My black and white thinking keeps me stuck in my ED and limits me in my recovery. It keeps me stuck in my eating disorder as I see things as all or nothing. If I lapse in my recovery process I think fuck it I have failed and fall into more ed behaviors. I want my recovery to be perfect. Unfortunately. there is no such thing as a perfect recovery. Every recovery has its ups and downs and this is known as the grey area. The problem is I do not see the grey area for myself. I want it to exist for me. I am trying to combat my all or nothing thinking by beginning to do the next best thing. Focusing on the next step and the smaller picture has made me more successful in my recovery process. When I look at the big picture, or even a whole day at a time, I get stressed out thinking there is no way I can do recovery. My black and white thinking also keeps me stuck in my exercise habits. I think I have to run X amount of miles or X amount of time or its not worth it. This is a very dangerous area for me because exercise is something I love doing when I'm not abusing it. I have to once again find the grey area that I prefer to think of balance, I need to learn how to have balance in my life. Moderation of exercise not over doing it and not just doing a little because I think its not worth it or that it wont burn enough calories. I am trying to do the same thing with food (following my meal plan of course) but thinking of having all foods in moderation. This is very difficult for me as I have lived for so long as viewing foods as good or bad and I'm working very hard to accept that all foods are acceptable in moderation.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Menu plan last week IOP

Monday

Breakfast- cereal with soy milk almonds and fruit
Lunch- turkey and cheese wrap with fruit
Dinner- chicken stir-fry with brown rice

Tuesday

Breakfast- granola with yogurt and fruit
Lunch- salmon salad with dressing and toast
Dinner- PB&J with pretzels and fruit
hs- popcorn

Wednesday

Breakfast- oatmeal with soy milk almonds and fruit
Lunch- turkey and cheese sandwich with veggie straws and hummus
Dinner- pasta with marinara sauce

Thursday

Breakfast- cereal with soy milk almonds and fruit
Lunch- chicken stir-fry with brown rice
hs- popcorn

Friday

Breakfast- granola with yogurt and fruit
Lunch- PB&J with pretzels and fruit
Dinner- turkey and cheese wrap with pretzels and fruit

Saturday

Breakfast- cereal with soy milk almonds and fruit
Lunch- grilled cheese with soup
Dinner- pasta with marinara sauce
hs- popcorn

Sunday

Breakfast- granola with yogurt and fruit
Lunch- hamburger helper
Dinner- left overs

Saturday, October 1, 2016

IOP meal plan Oct. 3

Monday

Breakfast- cereal with soy milk, almonds, and fruit
am snack- veggie straws with hummus
Lunch- turkey and cheese wrap with pretzels and fruit snacks
Dinner- pasta with meat sauce

Tuesday

Breakfast- granola with yogurt and fruit
Lunch- nachos with turkey, black beans, and cheese
Dinner- salmon salad with dressing and toast
hs- oreos with milk

Wednesday

Breakfast- oatmeal with soy milk, almonds, and fruit
am snack- carrots with hummus
Lunch- pb&j with veggie straws and fruit
Dinner- cheese and chicken quesadilla with chips and salsa


Thursday

Breakfast- cereal with soy milk, almonds, and fruit
Lunch- ramen noodles with veggies
hs- ice cream

Friday

Breakfast- granola with yogurt and fruit
am snack- oreos with milk
Lunch- chicken and veggie stir-fry with brown rice
Dinner- salmon with brown rice and veggies

Saturday

Breakfast- oatmeal with soy milk, almonds, and fruit
Lunch- burrito with chips and salsa
Dinner- chicken and veggie stir-fry with brown rice
hs- popcorn

Sunday

Breakfast- cereal with soy milk, almonds, and fruit
Lunch- pb&j with veggie straws and fruit
Dinner- salad with salmon and dressing

Sunday, September 25, 2016

What needs did I have as a child?

As a child I had the following needs

  • attention
  • love
  • comfort

Red, Yellow, Green: Dance

Red:

  • wearing leotards and tights 
  • loud eating disorder voices
  • acting on ed urges
  • comparing body to self and others
  • comparing to what I could do in the past
  • canceling OP appts
  • not being honest with OP team
  • sleeping a lot
  • depressed, sad, and lonely
  • isolating
  • working out with my kids to excess
  • focusing on burning calories
  • I am not following my meal plan
  • I am restricting on a daily basis
  • I am not expressing my feelings

Yellow:

  • wearing dance clothes
  • loud ed voices
  • acting on some ed urges
  • comparing body to self (past/present)
  • comparing to what I could do
  • not being honest with OP team by omission
  • isolating
  • worrying about or working out to excess
  • focus split between kids and burning calories
  • I am expressing some of my feelings
  • I am following my meal plan most of the time

Green:
  • wearing dance clothes
  • moderate/quite ed voices
  • not acting on urges
  • not comparing body to past or others
  • no longer comparing dance ability to the past
  • being honest with OP tx team
  • happy (some of the time)
  • hanging out with friends
  • not worrying about working out
  • I am following my meal plan
  • I am expressing my feelings

Saturday, September 24, 2016

IOP MP

Monday

breakfast- cereal with soy milk, almonds, and fruit
am snack- veggie straws w/ hummus
lunch- turkey and cheese wrap w/ pretzels & fruit
dinner- chx & veggie stir-fry with brown rice
hs-  ice cream

Tuesday

breakfast- waffles with fruit
lunch- salmon salad with dressing and toast
dinner- pizza
hs- poptarts

Wednesday

breakfast- granola w/ yogurt and fruit
am snack- trail mix
lunch- pb&j with veggie straws and fruit
dinner- chicken w/ brown rice and veggies
hs- popcorn

Thursday

breakfast- cereal with soy milk, almonds, and fruit
lunch- nachos (black beans, turkey, cheese & sour cream)
dinner- salmon with baked potato (sour cream & cheese) with veggies
hs- ice cream

Friday

breakfast- waffles with fruit
am snack- veggie straws with hummus
lunch- turkey and cheese wrap with pretzels and fruit
dinner- pasta with meat sauce
hs- trail mix

Saturday

breakfast- granola with yogurt and fruit
lunch- ramen noodles with veggies
dinner- pizza
hs- popcorn

Sunday

breakfast- cereal with soy milk, almonds, and fruit
lunch- salmon salad with dressing and toast
dinner- mac n cheese with veggies
hs- ice cream

Saturday, September 10, 2016

IOP meal plan (9/12)

Monday

Breakfast- granola w/ yogurt & fruit
am snack- carrots with hummus
Lunch- hot pocket with veggies
Dinner- brown rice with veggies and chicken
hs- popcorn

Tuesday

Breakfast- cereal w/ soy milk, almonds, & fruit
Lunch- salmon salad w/ dressing and toast
Dinner- tv dinner w/ fruit
hs- trail mix

Wednesday

Breakfast- oatmeal w/ soy milk, almonds, and fruit
am snack- carrots with hummus
Dinner- pasta with side salad
hs- poptarts

Thursday

Breakfast- granola w/ yogurt & fruit
Dinner- salmon salad w/ dressing and toast
hs- popcorn

Friday

Dinner- chicken w/ brown rice and veggies
hs- trail mix

Saturday

Breakfast- cereal w/ soy milk. almonds, & fruit
am snack- carrots w/ hummus
Lunch- turkey & cheese wrap w/ pretzels and fruit
Dinner- pasta with veggies
hs- poptarts

Sunday

Breakfast- oatmeal w/ soy milk, almonds, and fruit
Lunch- PB&J with pretzels & fruit
Dinner- pizza
hs- popcorn

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

What is my fear(s) if I'm not engaged in my eating disorder?

I fear that I won't be good enough
I fear that I won't be good a my job
I fear that I will be less than
I fear that I will not be perfect
I fear that I will not succeed
I fear I won't be the favorite anymore
I fear I will still be the favorite
I fear that I will lose the identity that I've known so long
I fear that no one will love me
I fear that I am not worthy of love
I fear that I will never stop gaining weight
I fear the unknown (recovery)

Monday, September 5, 2016

What is it like to be in my body in dance?

     Its freeing to be in my body in dance. Words can not even express the freedom I feel when I dance. Its in the movement. Its like I'm not even me anymore. I am free. Free from my past, present, and future. The weight of the world is lifted off my shoulders when I dance. Being in my body is no longer a prison but a way to escape the world. My body does as my mind asks it to and I move gracefully across the floor and out of this world. This world that keeps me in the prison of my mind. These are the good times in dance. When I am performing or completely wrapped up in the movement. I am glad to have a body that can dance. But with the good also comes bad. Judgement of my body in classes and in practices. Judgement of what it looks like and its limitations instead of gratitude for what it is doing for me.

  •       What are messages I've received?
     Growing up in the studio I never really received any overt messages about my body. Of course there was the constant pressure for perfect posture and "holding in my stomach" and "tucking" my butt under but I was never told I needed to lose weight to be a better dancer, Teachers never pinched me or told me I didn't look the way a dancer needed to look which is far too often the case. I am lucky to have never had these types of teachers. I did have teachers who weren't the best role models though. One of whom I always assumed had an eating disorder herself. The pressure in dance to look a certain way comes with the territory whether it is overtly addressed or not. I knew growing up that I needed to look a certain way in my leotard. Every time a teacher told me to hold in my core I heard suck in your fat. It didn't matter what the teacher mean't by the statement. I had it decided in my mind from a young age what it mean't. It mean't I wasn't thin enough to have to not suck it in. Now as a dance teacher myself I am very careful to make sure my own students know when I tell them to hold in their cores it is not the same thing as sucking in. But that it besides the point and straying from the agenda.
  • What are the sensations?
      It depends on the type of dance I am doing. In ballet I feel stiff yet fluid, I feel my ballet or pointe shoes on the floor. I feel my muscles squeezing and rotating. I feel my long lines extending from my finger tips down through my toes. Creating a line of energy that is much longer than my body is. In modern I simply feel free. I can still feel my muscles working but it is not in the same rigid way it is in ballet. It is still graceful but much less forced and placed. I feel my bare feet move across the marley. I can almost feel the calluses building on my feet. I notice my breath. I move from my breath, I often get the sensation of butterflies especially when I am performing or anytime I am in the "moment". 
  • What are the emotions?
     Again it depends on the style of dance. As a performer the emotion has to match the movement. I guess the most important aspect of the emotions I feel when I dance is when I improv. This is when I can get completely lost in the movement and in my emotions. I can feel happy, sad, angry, and so much more. I remember one of the first solos I did and I learned how to channel my emotions into dance. It was a way of telling the story I could never tell. My story. The story of how I was hurt. The story of how much pain I was/am in still in. It was a contemporary piece that changed my art into a whole new level of being a safe haven. 
  • Body image
      Body image in dance can go one of two ways. Either I am lost in the dance and almost forget I have a body or I am constantly criticizing everything about my body. Staring in the mirror and trying to create perfect lines wishing my body were anything other than what it is. Or being completely lost in the movement and the music. Its either the freeing from the world I spoke to earlier or the devastating feeling of never being good enough. Not having a perfect body or having no worries in the world. Being free and perfect in my freedom or caged in a piece of shit shell I wish I could escape forever. I guess you could say body image in dance is very complicated to put is simply.  

Saturday, September 3, 2016

IOP meal plan 9/5

Monday

Breakfast- oatmeal, yogurt, almonds, and fruit
am snack- carrots with hummus
Lunch- cheese quesadilla with chips salsa and avocado
Dinner- bbq chicken with brown rice and veggies
hs- popcorn

Tuesday

Breakfast- eggs with toast, soy milk, and fruit
Lunch-  grilled cheese with soup and fruit
Dinner- salmon salad with dressing and avocado and toast
hs- clif bar

Wednesday

Breakfast- cereal with soy milk, fruit, and almonds
am snack- carrots with hummus
Lunch- PB&J with pretzels and fruit
Dinner- Mac n' Cheese
hs- poptarts

Thursday

Breakfast- oatmeal with soy milk, almonds, and fruit
Lunch- buritto with chips salsa and sour cream
hs- popcorn

Friday

Breakfast- eggs, toast, yogurt, and fruit
am snack- carrots with hummus
Lunch- Turkey, cheese, & lettuce wrap with pretzels and fruit
Dinner- salmon with brown rice and side salad with dressing
hs- clif bar

Saturday

Breakfast- cereal with soy milk, almonds, and fruit
Lunch- Mac n' cheese
Dinner- bbq chicken with brown rice and side salad with dressing
hs- poptarts

Sunday

Breakfast- oatmeal with soy milk, almonds, and fruit
Lunch- turkey cheese and lettuce wrap with carrots and hummus and fruit
Dinner- salmon salad with dressing and toast

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Meal Plan (IOP)

Monday

Breakfast- bagel w/ peanut butter, yogurt & fruit
am snack- apple cinnamon straws
Lunch- Brown rice and veggie stir-fry
Dinner- Pasta with eggplant
HS- popcorn

Tuesday

Breakfast- cereal w/ soy milk, almonds, and fruit
Lunch- Turkey cheese wrap with pretzels and fruit
Dinner- Salmon salad with dressing and toast
HS- ice cream

Wednesday

Breakfast- oatmeal with soy milk, almonds, and fruit
am snack- apple cinnamon straws
Lunch- PB&J with pretzels and fruit
Dinner- Burrito with chips, salsa, and sour cream
HS- clif bar

Thursday

Breakfast- Bagel with peanut butter, soy milk, & fruit
Lunch- cheese quesadilla with chips, salsa, & sour cream
HS- popcorn

Friday

Breakfast- cereal with soy milk, almonds, & fruit
am snack- apple cinnamon straws
Lunch- Turkey and cheese wrap with side salad
Dinner- pasta with eggplant
HS- ice cream

Saturday

Breakfast- oat meal with soy milk, almonds, & fruit
Lunch- PB&J with pretzels and fruit
Dinner- Burrito with chips, salsa, and sour cream
HS- clif bar

Sunday

Breakfast- cereal with soy milk, almonds, and fruit
Lunch- cheese quesadilla with chips, salsa, and sour cream
Dinner- mac n' cheese
HS- popcorn

Friday, July 22, 2016

IOP Meal Plan

Sunday

Breakfast- Oatmeal with soy milk, almonds, and a banana
Lunch- Turkey and cheese wrap with Pretzels
Dinner- Bbq chicken with wild rice and veggies
HS- Twizzlers

Monday

Breakfast- Granola with soy milk and fruit
AM snack- Watermelon
Lunch- PB&J with pretzels and an apple
Dinner- Salmon with brown rice and side salad
HS- Trail mix

Tuesday

Breakfast- Cereal with soy milk, almonds, and watermelon
Lunch- Cheese quesadilla with a side salad or veggies & sour cream
Dinner- Chicken with brown rice and brussel sprouts
HS- Popcorn

Wednesday

Breakfast- Oatmeal with almonds, soy milk, and a banana
AM snack- Watermelon
Lunch- Salmon salad with almonds and dressing & toast
Dinner- Spaghetti with eggplant parmesan
HS- Trail mix

Thursday

Breakfast- Granola with soy milk and fruit
Lunch- PB&J with pretzels and orange juice
Dinner- Chicken with bbq sauce, veggies, & brown rice
HS- Twizzlers

Friday

Breakfast- Cereal with soy milk, almonds, and banana
AM snack- Watermelon
Lunch- Cheese quesadilla with side salad or veggies & sour cream
Dinner- Brown rice and veggie stir-fry with chicken
HS- Popcorn

Saturday

Breakfast- Oatmeal with soy milk and fruit
Lunch- Turkey and cheese wrap with pretzels
Dinner- Salmon salad with avocado and dressing and toast
HS- Trail mix

PHP or IOP?

      I think I need more time on level 3 to be successful in IOP. I need more practice portioning and more practice preparing my own meals before I am ready to take my next step in recovery. I didn't realize until my days off how disconnected I have been from portioning. I haven't been paying enough to portioning and am pretty clueless in how to portion somethings. I know this will still be a learning process in IOP as well but do not feel proficient enough to move onto that level of care yet. I have already started to become very rigid in my meal planning outside of PHP and worry that I will continue to only eat safe foods or a limited variety of foods without further knowledge of how to adequately portion. For example I have had granola every peer breakfast day that I have done at my apartment because I am comfortable portioning it. I am not requesting an extended amount of time in PHP because I am afraid to move onto IOP. To say I am not terrified of IOP would be a lie but I do not believe it is in anyway effecting my decision to stay in PHP for a week or so longer. I am asking for more time in PHP to work on meal planning, portioning, and being more confident with eating a variety of foods and not just safe foods. To be honest, my eating disorder is ready for IOP and to continue under-portioning or to engage in any covert behaviors that I may be able to get away with, I wish to challenge this as it is perhaps more terrifying than moving onto IOP.  

Monday, July 18, 2016

Why do connections still feel unsafe?

Behavioral Chain Analysis 7/15/16 (Saturday 1st day off)

purging dinner
feelings- extremely overwhelmed (all plans changed), stressed, fearful
thinking about IOP, trauma bond, and self-blame letter- intrusive thoughts and images about trauma narrative
no experience of relief immediate guilt and shame for acting on behavior
consequence one step back from my long term goal of recovery also makes it more likely for me to purge again if I don't think about the way I felt no relief immediately afterwards
learned that I went from zero to 60 in seconds- I had no intention of purging I was just going to the bathroom and quickly acted on impulse- I need to catch myself quicker next time before things escalate possibly set an intention to not purge even if I'm not planning on it and sticking to it or waiting after eating to use the restroom

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

How do I reenact being abandoned?

     I think I reenact being abandoned by pushing people away and not allowing people to get close too me. I do with this even with people whom I trust, or think I can trust, because it has not been safe to trust in the past. I fear being abandoned by those around me and that is one of the reasons I push people away. I also push people away when I begin to trust them too much as this has not worked out for me and the past and makes me fearful of how it will play out again. Will I get hurt again? Is there anyone who is trustworthy? These are questions I cannot answer.
       Thinking of how I reenact being abandoned is difficult for me and also new for me. I never realized until recently that I even have abandonment issues. I feel a great deal of shame for having these issues as I should have been relieved by having my abusers "leave" me and make me feel like I was no longer special. While I was very relieved that the rapes stopped I was also hurt by the feelings it left me with. The feelings of not being perfect or special. That I am not good enough for people to stick around for me.
     This plays out now for me with people I know I should be able to trust and then I freak out because I begin to trust them and then start to draw away again. This is getting me stuck in my therapeutic work. As my relationships with peers and my therapist grow stronger I find that I start to become more standoffish as I know the relationships will be short lived. At least that they will not stay the same for ever. I know they are not supposed to because life outside of treatment is so different then the lives we live day by day here. I will not always be surrounded by these safe people so why let them get so close?
      I fear being completely abandoned by them the minute I walk out the door. I would rather be the one to cut off all ties then to get hurt again by simply losing contact with the people I have made relationships with here. I struggle to accept that I have made genuine friendships that could last a lifetime although they will be different outside of treatment. Different is fine but being abandoned in anyway is not. I will need to work hard to keep in contact with those I have become the closest with to use them as a support system and vice versa. My abandonment issue is something I need to continue exploring as I do not have it all figured out just yet.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Support and boundaries

      First, I would like to start off by saying what I do not need. I do not need to be treated like a child. I don't need or want ya'll policing me. Comments about my body are off limits. I know we have had this conversation before but I want to make these boundaries clear.
       I'm still working on what support from you will look like but I know a few things that will be appropriate. It is fine to ask me how I am doing, or to check in and ask if I'm following my meal plan. Conversation while I'm eating is also very  helpful. If I need support I will reach out for it and I will do my best to be honest about what I need and how I am doing. There are some red flags to look out for and if you notice them becoming more frequent you may ask me what is going on or how I am doing. If I start losing weight please just ask me how I am doing and do not directly say that you notice I am losing weight. This will be very triggering for me to hear. Another flag to watch out for is me isolating a lot. Some solitude is fine but locking myself away for hours or days is a sign I'm not doing well. I know I will be out of the house so this may not be as much up to you as it will be to those I am living with but I am only a phone call away. Please know I do not need another therapist I just need supportive parents who love me.
     I need boundaries that I set to be followed and validated. I  have something I need to tell ya'll but I'm still working through and processing it on my own so I'm not ready and may never be ready to tell you more information about it. I was raped a very long time ago and I have PTSD. I know this is a lot to take in but please let me finish what I have to say. The reason I am telling you this is to help you understand how much pain I'm really in. The trauma is a core reason for my eating  disorder. I have never been able to find the words and have not been ready to say them even if I knew what I wanted to say. My eating disorder has helped me survive the pain I am in and has pulled you in the wrong way to reflect that pain. I am hoping by telling you this you understand me a little bit better. This is why I don't date. I have a lot of trust issues. I would like to set a clear boundary that I am not in a place to answer questions about the trauma and I hope you can accept and follow this boundary.  Another boundary I would like to set is that this information stays between us.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

What it means about me if I need or accept help

      As any perfectionist would say I don't need help, however, this is false. Everyone needs help and I am not an exception to that rule. As a young child I needed someone to save me from the rapes that would last for years. I did not know how to express that I needed help so instead I turned to self-blame and self-hatred so I felt in control of the situation which I so desperately needed help to get out of. From then own I rarely asked for help with anything. Not with my schoolwork. Not with chores. I did it myself. This is what I am used to doing and is what I am trying to break away from to this day.
     In treatment I have found it difficult but at times manageable to reach out for support when I need it. Now I just need to figure out how to do this in other aspects of my life. Easier said than done. I still struggle greatly with coming to terms that I need help. I need help with my eating disorder and I definitely need help working through the trauma that still haunts me.
      I wish this were an easy question to answer but it is not. There are many things needing and accepting help mean about me. It means that I am not perfect. It means that I have to rely on other people. It means that I am not an exception to the rule. It makes me feel inadequate. It makes me feel weak. Most of all it makes me feel vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable as I'm sure most people do but to me it is more than just these things. Depending on others is not easy for me to do due to my past. I'm scared of getting hurt again. Hurt by even those who I trust. I'm finding this to be a block in my therapy work but do not know how to get out of the cycle of being overly self-reliant, self-shaming, and my self-hatred part quickly jumps in as a protector when help is offered to me.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

The cliff

I guess the most relevant time I can remember being on a cliff and having the wind blow me back from jumping was during my sexual abuse. I feel that I allowed the wind to keep me on the cliff (being sexually abused) because I was too scared and brainwashed to tell (jump off the cliff). I now do not know how to stop re-traumatizing myself. I am approaching the trauma work in the same way I was traumatized. It is not just the trauma that I could have lived by this metaphor but rather everything in my life. I set goals so high and scary it is like telling myself to just jump off the cliff. Most of the time the wind is not enough to hold me back and I excel at everything I do. When the wind is too strong I simply give up and do nothing. There really is no middle ground for me. I lack self-compassion. I do not know how to even begin to give myself compassion.

Monday, June 6, 2016

What's the rationale in no yoga today?

     To say that my relationship with exercise is unhealthy would be an understatement but generally speaking I have a good sense of self while practicing yoga. I fear that doing yoga while my exercise urges are so high will taint the experience for me. Meaning not just today's class would be about burning calories but would be the weeks following as well. Maybe yoga would be good to relieve some of the stress of my transition back to PHP but I fear it would do more harm than good. I do not want to ruin the only form of healthy exercise I have by going into yoga class wanting nothing more than to burn calories and perhaps push my body past where it needs to be for the day. I think the emotions underlying my exercise urges are stress, nervousness, anticipation, and shame. The first three emotions are around my step-down and fear that this stay at PHP will be much like my last stay even though I feel that I am in a different place than I was the last time I was here. The last emotion, shame, is around the external support I know I still need but desperately want to deny myself from having. Maybe to protect little aspects of my eating disorder? I do not know how else to explain why yoga is a bad idea for me today but I think voicing this was a big step for me. Anytime I am allowed movement I pounce on the opportunity.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

ED dialouge 6/4/16

7:25 pm

Dear ED,

Please take a step back. I am not going to purge. It was only pasta. Just one meal. Everything will be fine. I may not feel fine right now but I will be fine. I will not gain weight from one meal. I appreciate you trying to come in to stop me from feeling the painful emotions I am feeling right now but purging will only be a temporary release. Plus, I need to sit in my emotions of fear, sadness, being overwhelmed, and angry. It is okay for me to cry right now if that is what I need to do. I don't need your help at the moment. I am strong and I am capable of dealing with this backlash. I can return to you at any time with the snap of a finger I know you will always be present but hopefully not this present. The words are spinning in my head right now are lies and self knows that. So I'm turning to self for now. I'm giving myself a chance at recovery. If recovery doesn't work out I'll be right back with you in the blink of the eye but I deserve to give myself a chance. I deserve a better life. A life where you are a mere memory or a silent voice that does not control me. Thank you for all you have tried to protect me from in the past.

Struggles for PHP


  • purging
    • compensation/ immediate release of emotions- stress, overwhelming sadness, anger/self-hatred
  • restricting
    • being overwhelmed by trauma related therapy work
  • abuse of exercise privileges
    • compensation/abusing peer walks
  • peer breakfast
    • opportunity
  • snacks
    • opportunity
  • balance of internal/external support
    • wanting to be commpulsively self reliant
  • isolation
    • open bedrooms
  • being nervous in a new community
    • not wanting to share in groups
    • fear of judgement when sharing
  • high urges
  • fear about being on level two or three

Monday, May 30, 2016

How I respond to eating disorder urges and how this is the polarization of being overly self reliant (ED)

     Since I was young I have been very independent or what some might call compulsively self reliant. This is evident in my treatment process as I find it difficult to reach out for support when I am having high urges. I wait until I am past the point of no return before I reach out for support or do not reach out at all. This causes me to act on my urges once I become merged with my eating disorder as I do not want help by that point. I have been practicing finding a balance between using internal and external skills to cope with my urges lately though. It is not easy for me to admit that I need help in the recovery process but it has proven to be true. I do not know why this makes me feel inadequate but it does. I suppose it may have something to do with going against everything I've known in my life.

What prevents me from being able to build more compassionate skills to respond to my emotions? (core)

     Emotions are foreign to me, therefore they are dangerous. I do not know how to sit in the unfamiliar. It is uncomfortable. It makes me feel inadequate. It makes me vulnerable which makes me feel weak. I am working on first not building skills to be compassionate towards my emotions but stepping outside of my black and white thinking of labeling emotions as good or bad, This is to help me come from a neutral stance and just accept emotions as they come up and learn to sit in them no matter how uncomfortable they make me. A peer once gave me great advice; not to label emotions as positive and negative but as pleasant and unpleasant. I have been working on doing this as the next step to allow myself one step closer to being at a compassionate place with my emotions. I don't really know what the next steps are and that scares me. Fear of the unknown is something I greatly struggle with. Building compassion towards my emotions requires stepping of the cliff into the unknown. I may not know the right answer or the right next steps to take but I am willing to figure it out by taking one step at a time.

Secondary gains of my eating disorder

      I often say how I am very motivated to recover yet my actions are not always congruent with my words. It is easy for me to become merged with my eating disorder and act on urges that ultimately lead me further a way of my long term goal of being in recovery. Reasons I stay or become merged with my eating disorder are secondary gains that I get from being in my ED. These gains are why I would stay in my eating disorder even though I'm motivated to recover.
      The first secondary gain I get from my eating disorder is isolation. I suffer with social anxiety and prefer to spend a lot of my time isolated then being around others. The deeper I am in my eating disorder the more time I spend isolating myself. This could like locking myself away in my bedroom or being around others while not actually being present. Or it could mean going to the gym ignoring everyone around me and working out for endless hours that seem to never end, My days begin to blur together and start looking the same. The down fall of being deep in my eating disorder is that it also pulls people in sideways and I begin getting a lot of unwanted attention. Although I do not like the attention I get deep down I am longing for human connection. This is particularly difficult for me to admit. Due to my past and years of ongoing sexual abuse I have trust issues that make forming connections extremely hard for me.
      This brings me to my next secondary gain of having my eating disorder; not being in a relationship. I have broken up with every boyfriend I have ever had for one reason or another. I fear getting to close to anyone as I fear being abandoned first and have a difficult time being intimate because of my PTSD. Being sick allows me to have a reason to not being in a relationship. At least a visible reason. If I'm not sick what other excuse do I have to not be in a normal relationship like 95% of people my age? It's not enough that I'm just not in a place in my life that I want a relationship because it is overtly expected of me by friends and family.
     Next is a shallow secondary gain I get from my eating disorder. The sick body that I want. Even at my thinnest it has never been enough but as I have reached a healthy weight I now wish I could have back my sick body. Maybe I was never sick enough and that's why I was not happy with my body? At least that's what my eating disorder likes to remind me. If I would have been smaller I would have been happier. Reaching one goal weight after another was never enough. I can no longer fit into a size 00 in jeans. I hate my new size (2-4) and want so badly to fit back into my size 00. This time before I entered treatment I got rid of my "sick" jeans unlike the last time I entered treatment assuming I would need them again but not this time. My weight has never corresponded with happiness yet I still believe if I was just sick enough I would finally be happy. I would no longer be lonely and depressed. Makes sense, right? I am now beginning to accept the only way I will ever be happy in my body is to accept it as it is but that is much easier said than done.
      The last reason for wanting to stay in my eating disorder is perhaps the most important. I hold a lot of fear around the unknown of being in recovery. What will my life look like without my sickness? Will I be enough? Will I be happy? If not, what then? I have been in my eating disorder for over half of my life and have no idea what life in recovery will look like for me. Being in my eating disorder is familiar and seems simple to me. I cannot even picture what my life will look like in recovery and that scares the shit out of me. I hold hope that recovery is worth the fight that I have been fighting, I hold hope for a brighter tomorrow instead of living in the familiar darkness of my past.

Helplessness- reenacting trauma that wasn't seen now my eating disorder as a way to be seen now.... Unmet needs-- a way to pull people in even though I don't want the type of attention I want or need
   
      

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Unblending 5/29/16

Dear ED,

     Thank you for always being there for me in the past to protect me from a lot of hurt and suffering. Although you caused me another type of hurt; years of my life wasted trying to reach an ultimate goal that was never obtainable. I do not need you right now. I need to move on with my life. I accept what you did for me in the past but no longer want your help. I want recovery now. Please take a step back. Stop screaming inn my head drowning out the logical voice of self. I am finding it particularly difficult to unblend from you today. Maybe you are trying to give me a message? Whatever it is I'm not listening. I do not want to follow your rules any longer. I am ready to face my past and do the trauma work. Again, I'm asking you to take a step back so I can go about my day the way self wants to. You are making that damn near impossible today and are really being a bully. I'm standing up for myself now.

The function of ED behaviors

     It is difficult for me to pinpoint the function of each ED behavior independently but as I have started abstaining from on acting on so many urges I have begun to have a little bit of insight into the functions. I am still working on identifying each behavior independently as to what emotions are related to each behavior. I know as a whole the function of my ED is numb out emotions and painful memories from my childhood abuse. The insight I have so far of my behaviors independently are as follows:

  • purging
    • immediate release of emotions when I get overwhelmed/compensation
  •  restricting 
    • feeling empty both physically and emotionally
  • exercise
    • compensation and stress relief

What do younger parts need in order to not flood? (core)

     My younger parts need their story told. This however often floods and overwhelms me as I try to work through my trauma. As I have held down and tried to repress these memories for so long I do not even know how to begin addressing our story without younger parts flooding me. Its difficult to say what my younger parts need in order to not flood me with flashbacks, nightmares, and intrusive memories of my sexual abuse. I think the most important thing they need is to feel heard. They want their story to be listened to without judgement. In order to do this we will need to feel safe enough to sit in our emotions. We will also need to feel safe with the person or people we are sharing our story with. As I have many trust issues this is not an easy task to do. Nor do I believe it is an easy story to tell even if I didn't have such big trust issues. They will also need to approach the work not as a perfectionist but with compassion. I will first have to let go of so much self blame and accept that the past is in the past and I cannot go back and change things as I could not change them while they were happening. This is easier said then done. I still hold a lot of self-hatred toward these younger parts as I wish they could have done something to stop the abuse.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Covert and overt messages I received about emotions and how this impacts my view of emotions today (core)

     It's hard for me to put my finger quite on the messages I received as a child about emotions that caused me to feel, or rather not want to feel, them the way I do today. I remember growing up being chaotic most of the time. Coming from such a large family I guess I learned a lot about emotions from them. First there are my parents who encouraged me to feel and I could bring anything to them at least this is what they overtly told me. Looking back I received a lot of mixed messages about emotions and how they should play out in the world. While I was being told one thing overtly I was witnessing something else covertly.
     My mother was and is over the top with her emotions. To say she is a bit dramatic would not do her any justice. Then there is my father who hardly ever shows emotions and on the rare occasions that he does I find it very difficult to bare. Especially with "negative" emotions but I will get to that later. Watching my mother made me scared of my emotions. I thought if she could not handle her own emotions that I could not handle mine appropriately either. I also thought that I should not bother her with my emotions because she already had so much on her own plate. I wanted to be numb and strong as my dad appeared to be much of my life. Today I have a pretty good relationship with booth of my parents but still find it painful to go to either one of them with negative emotions.
     You all may be wondering what I mean my negative emotions. Emotions are neither good nor bad, right? Well, not to me. I have polarized thinking and have trouble not labeling emotions as positive or negative. I consider negative emotions to be anger and sadness and more positive emotions to be happy and joyful. I am working on shifting this thought process throughout my stay here at Castlewood. I am fine with sharing my positive emotions with my family but feel as if sharing the negative ones will make me appear weak and vulnerable in the eyes of others. It is pretty safe to say that many of you in this community have seen me cry more than or the same amount as my own family has. Stating this makes me sad as it should not be this way. I guess the confusion of the covert and overt messages I received growing up have impacted me more than I would like to admit.
     Next I will talk about my siblings and how I play the role as the golden child. Growing up and to this day I hold myself to such high standards both emotionally and otherwise in fear of ending up like many of my siblings. Most of my siblings have issues, as do I, but they let them show. My siblings are different with their own emotions than I am. Some of them are over the top like my mother and some are more like my father and I but most of them have a sense of healthy relationship with their emotions. I do not know why I was not more influenced by my siblings with healthy relationship with their emotions. I guess because I tend to be pessimistic and focus on what could go wrong. How I could end up like some of my siblings who are much like my mother. Again, the overt messages I received from my siblings were like the ones I got from my parents I should be open with my emotions however I was to afraid to be vulnerable. I had to play the role of the golden child. This started internally and quickly became externally validated by my family and is a role I find myself stuck in. I am unsure how to get unstuck from this role but I do know I am learning how to sit in my emotions which is still a work in progress.

List of functional things my body does for me (ED)

My body allows me to:

  • dance
  • run
  • move
  • travel
  • keeps my organs safe
  • breathing
  • blinking
  • allows connection with others
  • talk
  • sun bathe :)
  • enjoy nature
  • see
  • hear
  • smell
  • touch/feel
  • embrace the world around me
  • explore
  • swim
  • laugh
  • have functioning organs

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Body image timeline


  • Age six started to feel uncomfortable in my body
  • Age eight started hating my body and began having ED thoughts
  • At age nine we moved
  • Age 10 I started dancing at a new studio increasing my low self-esteem
    • This lasts until age 13
  • At age 13 my ED started out as restricting only- I was enrolled in a private christian school and finally out of my parents watchful eyes 
  • I was getting loads of compliments on all the weight I was losing by age 14
  • By the time I was 16 I was near my low weight and was also over-exercising by this point
  • At age 17 I was in my full blown eating disorder now adding laxative abuse, diet pills, and diuretics I was at my low weight by this point and hated my body as much as ever
    • This continued until I was 18
  • When I was about 18 and a half I started seeing my first therapist and receiving treatment for me ED OP even though she immediately recommended a higher level of care
  • By age 19 I had gained back some weight but was still underweight and still hated my body
  • Then I was off to college where I would start seeing a new therapist but refused to see a dietitian
  • Again I gained back some weight but still remained underweight throughout college
  • When I graduated I reached my highest weight that summer
  • I got two jobs at the age of 23 teaching dance and quickly fell back into my ED by the middle of the dance season I was close to being back at my low weight
    • At this point I had no other option but to seek higher level of treatment or to continue to spiral deeper into my eating disorder
    • I was admitted to ERC in Denver Colorado where I stayed for seven months
    • Upon discharge I quickly relapsed
  • Now at age 24 here I am at castlewood seeking treatment for the second and hopefully last time
    • I am still in great distress with my body and hope that I can at least find a neutral view for it sometime soon as I fear my terrible body image could cause me to relapse or have too many lapses (whatever that means) in my recovery process

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Letter to younger parts

Dear younger parts,

    I have been trying my best for my whole life to ignore you. I have pushed down what you have to say and have numbed myself from the emotions that you try to make myself feel. I am now starting to reconnect with my emotions and try as I might I have never been able to distance myself enough of the painful memories ya'll hold. Memories that you scream at me through intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, and nightmares. I want you to know that I am working on being able to listen to you know. I am deeply scared of what may resurface. I have started to build some relationship with you even if it is only from a neutral standpoint and not yet one of compassion. I hope I am able to reach the point of compassion I will need while I continue working hard on trauma work. The reality is I am scared shit less of how flooding these memories have been for me to this day and how much more intense they may become as I delve deeper into work. I am working on building my window of tolerance so I can listen to what you have to say. Even writing this letter is difficult for me as I am starting to experience painful memories and have intrusive thoughts that I do not wish to be present. There will be a time to explore what ya'll are trying to say but right now is not that time so please take a step back. In honesty along with being scared I also hold a lot of anger towards my younger parts. I'm angry we weren't able to do more to stop the abuse. I'm angry that the abuse every happened. I don't want to blame myself for the trauma anymore. I am working on believing we could not have done anything to stop it. Even if we did have missed opportunities to speak up. You were young and brainwashed and didn't even know what was happening. Lastly, I would like to let my younger parts know I hold a lot of sadness for them. No one should go through what we went through.

Thank you for understanding.

A letter to ED 5/22/16

Dear ED,

     Thank you for always being there for me when I needed someone most. Right now I need space. I do not want to listen to you. I don't want to purge. I cannot exercise. Please give my mind space to think. You are so loud I can't even concentrate to read; let alone think. I know you have tried to help me in the past but I no longer have room for our relationship in my life. I am beyond ready to move on. So you should too. These repetitive thoughts may still be consuming my mind but I will no longer let them consume my life. I am working on believing I am worth more. That my life can be more than a viscous cycle of restricting, exercising, eating, purging, using laxative, abusing diet pills, and abusing substances to please you. It doesn't make me happy and I want to be happy.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Carefrontation

    Evie , this carefrontation is truly coming from a place of genuine concern for you and for our community. I know that being confronted in group is a difficult thing because I had it happen to me before but it truly opened my eyes to what I was doing wrong in the community and I hope it has the same effect on you. I do not mean this to come as an attack on you but I feel there are some issues that need to be addressed.
     I have seen you in the dining room and not taking redirection and openly say that you are not going to challenge any rituals. You have been rude to staff and refused to even post which is part of the processing/meal time expectation. I know that you are in pain from eating, as we all are. I want to validate that the pain of refeeding is very real but it is something you must push past. I have also heard you almost bragging about how many non-compliances you have gotten in a week. Getting NCs is not cool and does not make you any sicker than the rest of us. I want the best for you in your treatment here and you need to try harder at meals. I'm not saying that you don't try but I honestly I think you can try harder. It is also completely inappropriate to comment about not liking what is being served out loud. Your behavior does not just impact you but also those around you. So please keep this in mind.




Top 10 eating disorder rules with counters


  1. calories consumed must be compensated for
    1. my body uses calories for basic needs of organs
  2. it is not necessary to eat everyday
    1. see above
  3. unsafe foods must be purged
    1. there are no safe or unsafe foods
  4. avoid carbs- specifically white flour
    1. all foods are acceptable in moderation
  5. avoid fats
    1. see above
    2. exception of nuts and peanut butter
  6. consume 500 or less calories per day
    1. this amount of calories is not enough to properly function or live on
  7. exercise daily, no excuses
    1. my body needs rest and exercise in moderation
  8. eat slowly
    1. eat at a normal pace?
  9. use utensils
    1. utensils are not always normal to use
  10. caloric beverages are not to be consumed
    1. I am trying to believe it is ok to drink calories

7/29/15

Today got off to a rough start to say the least. I refused my bolus from last nights snack for two reasons 1.) it was the wrong amount of boost, and 2.) I was already done for the day regardless of the amount. I guess the latter is the more important factor to my actions today. I didn't want to get out of bed because I didn't think I could make it through another day of eating all that is placed in front of me (which I must do to be able to get this tube removed). I made it through breakfast smoothly and then quickly hit a downward spiral. I was informed that I was definitely going to be getting a roommate which was a surprise and made me very uncomfortable. I need my space and I feel violated by having to share intimate space with anyone let alone a stranger. Immediately my mood dropped even lower than it was when I first woke up not even wanting to begin the day. I almost had a panic attack but quickly took an extra dose of xanax in an attempt to keep that from happening. I proceeded by allowing myself time in the quiet room to have space that was needed to help me keep my sanity (which I have recently come to realize is not the same as completing isolating but rather giving myself something that I need). Another problem from this occurred however because I missed snack and had to bolus 16 oz of hearty boost which was split into two transactions on account of that being too much for my stomach to handle at one time. This fullness and overall mad mood trickled over into lunch and again I had to bolus for that as well. After lunch I went to process group where I was not completely present but tried my hardest to be mindful of what others had to say even if I didn't have much to offer the group in the moment. I snagged my therapist B to talk to her for a moment after group to explain what I was feeling and found out at that time I am not getting a roommate, at least not today. My mood still isn't great but I am hopeful that I will be able to make it through dinner by completing 100% orally. Night time snack is always a challenge though so I expect to have to bolus for that. Really not meeting my goal of only one bolus for the day. Quite disappointing. I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much of myself or if my team is pushing to fast. Maybe its a combination of both? All I know is that not reaching the goals set for me feels me with shame and causes frustration on many levels. I hope I can get my shit together and have a better day tomorrow.

The most terrifying ordinary errand.

The grocery list.

Cucumbers
Kale
Carrots
Romaine lettuce
Asparagus

Bananas
Melon
Grapefruit
Grapes
Apples

Orange juice
Carrot juice
Almond/soy light milk
Large curd low-fat cottage cheese
Greek yogurt

Eggs
Cheese
Hummus
Almonds/nuts

Salmon
Chicken breast
Sliced deli turkey

Rice
Sweet potatoes
WH bread
Waffles

Rice cakes
Pickles
Twizzlers
Starbursts/Air Heads
Popcorn
Gum
Frozen yogurt
Dark chocolate







Guilt.

     I have this nagging guilt every time I eat or think about eating. I don't know how the link started between food and guilt/shame. Now its something that's so intertwined I feel I must consume as little as possible at all costs or rid myself of food once its in me. I love the empty feeling I get after a good purge; its like I am clean again from the "dirty" thing I have done (eaten). This guilt makes me feel worthless and I find it unnecessary to fuel my body because I already feel that I am an undeserving person of life. I do not believe I deserve recovery. I think this belief stems from past experiences in my life that I regret and cannot let go of or stop blaming myself for their occurrences. Finding the link between my trauma and my ED has long been a mystery but I know it has something to do with the same unforgiving sense of guilt I feel/felt in both situations.

7/30/15 Taz Day

Woke up in a funk and never shook it off. I was a little late for vitals and wasn't allowed to go on fresh air so I became defiant and made it my mission to let everyone know I was pissed off pacing up and down the hallways at quite a dramatic speed. Almost running down three staff members during these shenanigans... Finally I was redirected in a way that was more helpful and slowed me down until eventually I had a seat before asking to move into the quiet room where I stayed most of the day. It is now 4:30 and I have retired the room for the day but am feeling quite agitated and uneasy about how much of the day I slept away. I feel a need to workout and burn off the calories that I've been consuming throughout the day. I wish these persistent thoughts would stop and give my mind a chance to rest. Or at least slow down long enough for me to decipher what the hell is really going on. Hopefully the rest of the day gets better...

P.S. New roommate :/

Brain chatter:

calories.movement.purge.restrict.weight.numbers.size.imperfection.failure.worthless.repeat.

Rough day 7/26

Yesterday I completed almost everything orally and then I snapped by the last snack. I refused to be tube fed and the emotions and thoughts trickled there way into my day. Today I have had to be tube fed three times already which is not following the plan and goals set by my team. I still have one more snack (a meal) to go and I have no idea how I'll be able to make it through. I hate myself for eating and I hate myself for allowing myself to be tube fed as well. There is no winning in this situation. I need to purge. Calories are consuming my mind. I know I haven't been exercising enough and my meal plan is just too big for me to tolerate. Emotionally its taking a toll on me and I see myself regressing back letting my ED thoughts over take the reason I am here. I cannot shake the reoccurring thoughts and impulses. I need more exercise. I don't need to be eating everyday, especially not six times a day. As the days progress here I am becoming more uncomfortable with the changes in my body and can't seem to understand that the changes are not as drastic as I believe them to be. Seriously, must all the weight I gain be fat and stick directly around my middle?

Persistent ED thoughts:

I need to constantly be moving
I must burn off the calories I''m taking in
I should be refusing to take them in altogether
I shouldn't have allowed myself to nap
I have to find a way to makeup for it

Emotions:

Fear
Anxiety
Doubt
Anger
Hopelessness
Shame
Guilt

How do I externally recreate my internal chaos?

     Growing up in a big family mean't being in a chaotic house most of the time. I have found chaos to be my homeostasis and this is reflected in my external behaviors. These behaviors come out "sideways" through my eating disorder and self-harm. When I am internally struggling I act out more on unhealthy behaviors that cause me to self-perpetrate in order to recreate a sense of chaos in my life. It is only recently that I have realized this after talking in a therapy session about what it was like growing up. As I have already said it was chaotic most of the time and when the calm was there it was both like a breath of fresh air and also unfamiliar which caused some discomfort.
    Although I am still working on discovering the functions each eating disorder behavior has I am starting to become more aware that each one does in fact have some function. Restricting for a long period of time helps me to dumb out but I do not know what the purpose of short periods of restricting does for me. Purging is more cut and dry it is an immediate release that undoes my "wrong" doing by eating. Exercise is a tricky one for me to identify. I know there was a point that I used exercise in a healthy manner and at that time I  was using exercise to relieve stress and feel healthy. When exercise became an obsession I lost that sense of stress release and instead became more stressed and worried about making sure I was exercising to the point of total exhaustion. Self-harming functions as a way for me to forget about my emotional pain and focus on the physical pain that I am creating, however, this is very short lived. All together I believe this behaviors help distract me from my past and numb out painful emotions and memories.
     One example of a behavior I have engaged in while in treatment is going on a walk when I was not allowed to. I went for a walk on a Saturday when there was limited staff here as I was pretty confident I could get away with it. I used this behavior as a means of compensation and not to relieve stress as I was would have. I was expressing the internal chaos and panic I was feeling for following my meal plan into an eating disordered behavior. I later  admitted to the community that I had done this as I was not caught in the action. Owning up to my behavior was soothing to the guilt I was feeling and also caused me shame for my action.
   

Reclaiming Joy

     As many of you know by now I have been dancing since I was two and a half years old. Dancing has been a passion of mine my whole life. My safe haven. My home away from home. Unfortunately, the water in the dance world is murky and has been one of the biggest influences in my development of my eating disorder. There was a time however that dance was just a passion and did not influence the way I saw my body. In fact when I am dancing I feel free and more connected with my body then any other time in my life that I can remember. I want to get back to this. Dancing for me now is more than just my passion but also my career. I am a dance instructor and desperately want to get back to teaching and back into the dance community. I need to be healthy first though as I do not want to negatively influence my students as many dance teachers do theirs.
     Another area of my life I want to reclaim joy in is running. I remember being able to go for a run for a few miles and be perfectly content. This quickly spiraled out of control and took me into the depths of my eating disorder. I was training for my first half marathon when I entered treatment for the first time. I was depressed and definitely abusing exercise as a means to control my weight. I want to get back to a place that I can run as little or as many miles as I want, not need, to feel healthy and happy in my body. Physical activity has always been a big part of my life and long to have a healthy relationship with it again. Both in running and in dancing. Also, running in a marathon is on my bucket list but I know that I need years in recovery before this can happen. I'm going to take my time getting back into running and listen to my treatment teams advice as to when it is acceptable for me to even go on brief runs.
     The next area of my life I want to reclaim joy in is going to the beach. This is something I have enjoyed since I was little and have longed to be comfortable enough in my body to reconnect with. I think this will come naturally with time as I live at the beach and have plenty of opportunity to go. I want to be able to go to the beach with my friends to gain connection and a bad ass tan. Together these three activities are things I want back with my recovery. To dance, to run, and to just go to the beach without a care in the world or worrying about my body standing in my way at performing or just relaxing.

Cognitive Distortions


  • The trauma was my fault
    • I am working on believing that my trauma was not my fault
  • I am worthless
    • Everyone has worth
  • I must be perfect
    • No one is perfect
  • I need to do recovery perfectly
    • I am trying to allow myself grace when I lapse in my recovery process
  • I am not sick enough to be in treatment
    • Eating disorders are a serious mental illness and everyone with an eating disorder deserves to receive help
  • I can manage everything independently
    • My eating disorder behaviors come out sideways to pull people in because connection is important for all humans
  • No one can be trusted
    • I am working on believing there are trustworthy people in this world
  • If I want something done right I must do it myself
    • I am working on giving up some control
  • I cannot handle my emotions or doing trauma work so I shove them and my memories down
    • I can handle my emotions once I build a wider window of tolerance
    • I am strong enough to do the hard work I need to do in order to take back some power from my traumatic experiences
  • I have failed at having an eating disorder since I have never been "sick enough"
    • There is no such thing as being "sick enough" until death from an eating disorder
  • I should have known how to deal with my trauma
    • No one is capable of handling traumatic experiences the "right" way
  • I am to blame for my response now to my traumatic experiences
    • It is not my fault that I have PTSD
  • Everything I do is either right or wrong (black and white thinking)
    • There is a grey area and I am working on figuring out how to live in it

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

How am I approaching trauma work from the beliefs of having to be perfect?

     I am approaching trauma work the way I have always approached everything; through the mindset of perfectionism. Perfectionism does not allow me to do anything half-assed and hinders me from going into the unknown. Trauma work is unfamiliar territory and makes me feel inadequate as I approach it. To me this is unacceptable so I keep pushing away from it. I am not sure if I am ready to do the work but am willing to try. But first I must be able to separate from my perfectionism. There is no human in the world who should have to do trauma work let alone expect to know how to do it right. So why am I the exception? I shouldn't be but I hold myself to such unrealistic standards that it's getting in the way of me going deeper into the dark work that I must venture through. I know this cognitively and believe it is one of the reasons I am still so "stuck" in my eating disorder.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

What comes up when I feel full?

What comes up for me when I am full? That is a good question. One that is not easy to answer. I think the biggest emotions I feel when I am full are: guilt, shame, and disgusting. When I think about these emotions a lot of painful memories come up for me. All three are emotions I felt and feel about my sexual abuse. This so far is the only connection I have been able to make between my traumatic past and my current self-perpetrating role that my eating disorder plays. I recreate my trauma by further abusing my body which is something that is sadly all to familiar to me. I wish it was different. I wish I had a logical disease. One that wouldn't allow me to perpetrate myself. One that could be easily cured. When I am full I just want to be empty. Being empty brings a false sense of safety. I feel like I am disappearing and if I disappear no one can hurt me anymore.

Power vs Control Agenda

I don't know how to begin this agenda so I'm going to the basics. The definition of power is "the ability to do something or act in a particular way, especially as a faculty or quality" and the definition of control is "the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events". So no I'm going to use my faith as a bit of an example of what power verses control looks like in my life related specifically to my eating disorder. The way I see it is that God has control over my life but he has given me power; the power of free will. This power allows me to make decisions in my life. That is of course when I do not strive to have complete control over everything. Unfortunately, I do this quite often, as I am a very independent person. I seek perfection in everything I do and try to control every aspect of my life. I may have had the power to control my eating disorder in the beginning but I am far from that place now. My eating disorder holds me a prisoner. It allows no room for me to make my own decisions. Up until now that is. Now I am choosing to give God back control and am trying to trust myself to take back power over my life. 

Typical day in my ED

      On a typical day in my eating disorder I am depressed. On days my mom has work I spend most of the time isolating in my bedroom. Maybe working out or maybe just laying in bed self-loathing the life I have created for myself. I am currently on leave from work as my body can't handle the pressure of my job. I'll get up and take a shower after I go on a walk. A little walk won't hurt even though I haven't taken in anything fuel for my body yet for the day. These are the days I consider myself lucky, at least my eating disorder does. It means I only have to come down for dinner to eat something. Anything, just to prove I'm okay. I must be right? I'm eating after all. The part of me that is "self" knows this is a lie but ED screams loudly at me for even making an appearance for dinner at all. I don't deserve to eat. I've already gained weight from the fluids I've taken in on days like this. Days where I come down from my room long enough to drink too much coffee and diet sodas. Days that I give a shit enough to appease my family by making an effort in my recovery process not back sliding too far into the darkness from what they can tell. After dinner I sit on the couch with my parents and maybe a sister if ones around. I do this so my parents know I'm not purging the only food I've taken in for the day though they don't know this. Or maybe they do? It is a pattern for me after all. I'll feel like shit for not purging my food but this is tricky now that my family officially knows about my eating disorder. I'm to embarrassed to risk someone hearing me purge. Or after dinner I may go upstairs to my sister's apartment to play with my four month old nephew. He is usually the highlight of my day. My long, boring, and exhausting day. A day in which I am in almost full blown relapse although I've only been out of treatment a few months.

Worst day in my eating disorder

A bad day in my eating disorder is pretty simple really. I looks like this; I eat nothing and I drink nothing. I lie. I go on a few walks willing my body to go on for just a little bit longer. I will also do yoga today. I will faint at some point today dust myself off and act as if nothing has happened. I will take a shower and just move on. Then I will retreat to my bedroom where I isolate myself from everything and everybody. I will purge stomach acid a few times this day as well. Even though I haven't eaten, just to make sure I am completely empty. My mom will try to force fed my and I will hysterically cry and push her away telling her I don't even want water because it will make me gain weight. I will be taken to the ER by my dad and admitted to the hospital.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

What does it feel like when I don't know the answer?

It makes me feel... Inadequate. Average. Frustrated. Defective. Human? Not good enough. Like a failure. Less than perfect.