Friday, July 22, 2016

IOP Meal Plan


Breakfast- Oatmeal with soy milk, almonds, and a banana
Lunch- Turkey and cheese wrap with Pretzels
Dinner- Bbq chicken with wild rice and veggies
HS- Twizzlers


Breakfast- Granola with soy milk and fruit
AM snack- Watermelon
Lunch- PB&J with pretzels and an apple
Dinner- Salmon with brown rice and side salad
HS- Trail mix


Breakfast- Cereal with soy milk, almonds, and watermelon
Lunch- Cheese quesadilla with a side salad or veggies & sour cream
Dinner- Chicken with brown rice and brussel sprouts
HS- Popcorn


Breakfast- Oatmeal with almonds, soy milk, and a banana
AM snack- Watermelon
Lunch- Salmon salad with almonds and dressing & toast
Dinner- Spaghetti with eggplant parmesan
HS- Trail mix


Breakfast- Granola with soy milk and fruit
Lunch- PB&J with pretzels and orange juice
Dinner- Chicken with bbq sauce, veggies, & brown rice
HS- Twizzlers


Breakfast- Cereal with soy milk, almonds, and banana
AM snack- Watermelon
Lunch- Cheese quesadilla with side salad or veggies & sour cream
Dinner- Brown rice and veggie stir-fry with chicken
HS- Popcorn


Breakfast- Oatmeal with soy milk and fruit
Lunch- Turkey and cheese wrap with pretzels
Dinner- Salmon salad with avocado and dressing and toast
HS- Trail mix


      I think I need more time on level 3 to be successful in IOP. I need more practice portioning and more practice preparing my own meals before I am ready to take my next step in recovery. I didn't realize until my days off how disconnected I have been from portioning. I haven't been paying enough to portioning and am pretty clueless in how to portion somethings. I know this will still be a learning process in IOP as well but do not feel proficient enough to move onto that level of care yet. I have already started to become very rigid in my meal planning outside of PHP and worry that I will continue to only eat safe foods or a limited variety of foods without further knowledge of how to adequately portion. For example I have had granola every peer breakfast day that I have done at my apartment because I am comfortable portioning it. I am not requesting an extended amount of time in PHP because I am afraid to move onto IOP. To say I am not terrified of IOP would be a lie but I do not believe it is in anyway effecting my decision to stay in PHP for a week or so longer. I am asking for more time in PHP to work on meal planning, portioning, and being more confident with eating a variety of foods and not just safe foods. To be honest, my eating disorder is ready for IOP and to continue under-portioning or to engage in any covert behaviors that I may be able to get away with, I wish to challenge this as it is perhaps more terrifying than moving onto IOP.  

Monday, July 18, 2016

Why do connections still feel unsafe?

Behavioral Chain Analysis 7/15/16 (Saturday 1st day off)

purging dinner
feelings- extremely overwhelmed (all plans changed), stressed, fearful
thinking about IOP, trauma bond, and self-blame letter- intrusive thoughts and images about trauma narrative
no experience of relief immediate guilt and shame for acting on behavior
consequence one step back from my long term goal of recovery also makes it more likely for me to purge again if I don't think about the way I felt no relief immediately afterwards
learned that I went from zero to 60 in seconds- I had no intention of purging I was just going to the bathroom and quickly acted on impulse- I need to catch myself quicker next time before things escalate possibly set an intention to not purge even if I'm not planning on it and sticking to it or waiting after eating to use the restroom

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

How do I reenact being abandoned?

     I think I reenact being abandoned by pushing people away and not allowing people to get close too me. I do with this even with people whom I trust, or think I can trust, because it has not been safe to trust in the past. I fear being abandoned by those around me and that is one of the reasons I push people away. I also push people away when I begin to trust them too much as this has not worked out for me and the past and makes me fearful of how it will play out again. Will I get hurt again? Is there anyone who is trustworthy? These are questions I cannot answer.
       Thinking of how I reenact being abandoned is difficult for me and also new for me. I never realized until recently that I even have abandonment issues. I feel a great deal of shame for having these issues as I should have been relieved by having my abusers "leave" me and make me feel like I was no longer special. While I was very relieved that the rapes stopped I was also hurt by the feelings it left me with. The feelings of not being perfect or special. That I am not good enough for people to stick around for me.
     This plays out now for me with people I know I should be able to trust and then I freak out because I begin to trust them and then start to draw away again. This is getting me stuck in my therapeutic work. As my relationships with peers and my therapist grow stronger I find that I start to become more standoffish as I know the relationships will be short lived. At least that they will not stay the same for ever. I know they are not supposed to because life outside of treatment is so different then the lives we live day by day here. I will not always be surrounded by these safe people so why let them get so close?
      I fear being completely abandoned by them the minute I walk out the door. I would rather be the one to cut off all ties then to get hurt again by simply losing contact with the people I have made relationships with here. I struggle to accept that I have made genuine friendships that could last a lifetime although they will be different outside of treatment. Different is fine but being abandoned in anyway is not. I will need to work hard to keep in contact with those I have become the closest with to use them as a support system and vice versa. My abandonment issue is something I need to continue exploring as I do not have it all figured out just yet.