Monday, December 12, 2016

ED:1, Me:0.

Being out of normal routine (currently traveling) makes it even harder for me to eat and makes me more anxious while trying to eat. Ok, so ED kicked my ass this week but it could have been worse...

6/3 Fri.

210 am: 1/2 poptart    1/2S
11 am: 6 walnuts         1/2P
1230 pm: 1/4 turkey swiss mustard sandwich WH 3 turkey slices   1/2S 1/4P 1/4fat

6/4

10 am 4 oz pomegranate juice 1/2 F
1150 boiled egg P
120pm apple F
415 soft pretzel S
430 9 carrots V
Cheese stick fatttt
Juice diluted with water1/2 F
7 rice cake S
8 salad w pepper tomatoes carrots walnuts balsamic vinegar 2VP
1130 spicy tuna roll PS

6/5

115 pm  hard boiled egg P
220 Greek yogurt strawberry with granola DS
4 Philly roll SP fat
8 banana F
String cheese FAT
11 rice cake S

6/6 Mon

1050 am  banana F
230 1/2 veggie sandwich SV
8ish salmon muscles green beans muscles half WH hogie 2P V S

6/7

11 am banana F 
330 rice cake yogurt SD 
415 1/2 apple 
530 string cheese fat 
9 carrots V

6/8 Weds. (back in town)

1130 am  Muscle milk P 
Handful nuts P 
2 asparagus 
4ish Greek salad V fat 
2 bites jelly croissant 
7ish chx, 1/2 red potato, broc/califlower, 1/2 roll PSV

6/9

1030 am bagel with egg cheese 2SP fat
550 giant salad with carrots croutons olives peppers balsamic vin. blue cheese dressing and croutons 2VS fat
745 meatloaf mashed potatoes kale one mushroom and bread 2SPV. Purged. Shit. 

6/10

945-1030 am toast with thin layer grape jelly 1/2 cup grapefruit hard boiled egg SPF
145 Greek yogurt coconut D
5 handful nuts P
7 cheeseburger 2SP Fat


Dark Circles.

March 18th, 2015

It's a little after two in the morning. I'm trying to sleep. No such luck. Ed refuses to allow me sleep. My rational voice is too tired and Ed overpowers my mind in an instant. I don't even know its happening until it already has. Trying to catch a little glimpse while I'm in it. And so, a long night begins...

Ed: You ate too much today. EXERCISE. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgustingTomorrow has to be different. LAZY. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting. Forget the meal plan. CALORIES. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting. It will make you FAT. WEIGHT. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting. You've worked so hard to be perfect. ACHIEVABLE. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting.  Why give up now? WEAK. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting. Remember that feeling from earlier today? RELIEF. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting. How great it felt to put on those shorts that were way too big? SATISFACTION. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting. That feeling will keep getting better. TRY. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting. Eating doesn't make you feel good. HUNGER. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting. It doesn't allow you relief or satisfaction. FAST. Weight, scale, purge, measurement, fat, calories, size, worthless, weak, pig, ugly, waste of space, lazy, food, numbers, thighs, arms, stomach, disgusting.

Bleh.

Weakness/loss of control/vulnerability

How I feel about everything- taking med. Treatment eating

Maintain weight. Healthy eating habits. Healthy fitness routine. Self-acceptance.




I feel trapped in treatment because of the contract which makes me resistant



What if I don't want it enough?  What if this thing I'm fighting is really just fighting who I'm supposed to be? Maybe I really am superficial and vain and it all really is about how I look. I'm trying so damn hard to conquer something that I don't even know if I can or maybe if I even want to so whats the point? If this really is who I am then maybe I'm not even worth your time. Maybe I deserve to be trapped in this prison that I have allowed myself to build up around me. 

I'm sorry I push you away. Its one of my many flaws. Maybe I'm scared to be honest because it makes me vulnerable or maybe its just because I know that I am going to fuck up and then I'll be losing the only person that I think I really can trust and that sucks. I feel like I have so much to work through and I know if I'm ever going to be able to accomplish that it will be worked through with you because there are so many bad people in this world and its not that often I come across a person that is worthy of trust and maybe you have proven to me that you are and that scares me because I don't think I'm strong enough to live up to my end of the deal. 





I don't deserve to exist because im worthless and have nothing to prove selfworth in my life. Its not that I don't want to die I just don't really feel like im living and that life isn't worth it. the smaller I get the less of me there is to exist so essentially there is the concept that there is less of my shitty waste of space self on this earth.

I hate my body and literally wish I could just cut of inches of my flesh- from one day to the next I can look at my body and truly believe that I have gained instant pounds overnight even if it isn't reflected on the scale. I feel like im going crazy....




Ready to run/yoga!

Stomach pains?

3:30 a.m.

Victoria's application essay for UNCW. Call Laney. Baby shower??/
Liz is really pregnant... and excited? Baby shower. Twice. Emily had a secret baby!? Wait, what!


I need a "grown-up job". I love my job. I'm feeling the choreography vibe. I'm going to be a judge for our team companies.

Body checking. MIRRORS. Feel myself getting fat. Seeing myself get fat.

I wonder what I'm going to wear tomorrow.

Ughhh! I keep forgetting everything mid-thought.

... I wont look good in anything so I will just wear what ever. Costumes! Yay. No pancake tutus.

413641865375498593202243................

112.5.
18.6.
13.7%.