Sunday, April 30, 2017
Saturday, April 29, 2017
Lunch update. I purged. I really tried not to. I journaled. I reached out to a friend. I used skills. I ran an errand to get out of the house, away from the bathrooms, I did the best I could. The eating disorder took over. I am afraid. Scared that this is the beginning of a relapse. I, self, wanted to go for a run today. Not to burn calories but to enjoy it. Now I will not allow myself to do it. I have already purged four times today. I don't know what is going on. Maybe it's just a bad string of days. I hope so. I hope this isn't a relapse. But I am terrified that it is. There is no way to be sure. The thing that gives me some hope is that I'm still fighting. Still trying. Still using skills. Not completely giving into my eating disorder. It doesn't feel like a full blown relapse. At least not yet. I can't let it turn into one. I have to figure out a plan. A way to kick anorexia's ass.
I purged again. The safety in knowing how many calories I had did not help today. The chains of my eating disorder are still too strong. I am a failure at recovery.
I decide to go ahead and do breakfast. It was a mistake. I purged. It was automatic. No thought process. No recovery voice to be found. My eating disorder is throwing a mini victory party. It looks as though today will be like yesterday. But fuck that. I will "redo" breakfast later. Try to hold it down. Fight like hell. I can't have another day like yesterday. It is too easy. Too addicting. To much power being given to my eating disorder. I hate it. I want it to stop. By eating disordered is pleased. I am not. I know I am putting myself in danger. I think I will do granola, yogurt, and fruit for round two. It seems safer than other options. Playing it safe makes me feel weak. But clearly I am not in a place to challenge myself with something more. I need coffee. I need to start this day off right. I will give myself thirty minutes or so before I try to eat again.
Friday, April 28, 2017
- The golden rule; eat.
- If I miss a meal, do the next right thing.
- Do not compensate.
- No being sorry.
- Do not shame self.
- Do the best I can do.
- Stop looking in the mirror.
- Use support. Reach out.
- Don't build walls.
- No comparisons.
- No changing clothes. First outfit stays.
Thursday, April 27, 2017
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Just finished eating dinner. Again I refused to count calories. I think that only makes things worse. But now I'm crippled by anxiety because I don't know how many calories I've had today. I really can't decide which is worse, knowing or not knowing. At least with not knowing I can just try and think about components and if I met my meal plan that way. Which I did for lunch and dinner but not breakfast. Oh well. You win some you lose some. Now I'm battling extremely high urges. Urges to purge and SH. I want this day to be over. I thought a busy day would be nice but I'm exhausted and still have plans to follow through with tonight. I want to exercise but I'm too tired. Thank God I worked today at least that's some exercise. Dinner consisted of rice, a chicken pot pie, and a side salad. Not too bad compared to lunch. The pot pie has me a little concerned though. I know it was full of calories. Just like fucking lunch. My eating disorder is SCREAMING at me right now to go purge, stop journaling, stop using skills, and to give into the devil himself pretty much. I don't know how I'm doing right now if I'm honest. I think I'm not okay. Yet here I am still alive and still journaling. Still using skills. Fucking my eating disorder over. Fighting the good fight. The fight everyone tells me it will be worth it. So I hope they are right. I really hope this misery is worth it. I guess I will find out. At least if I get where I want to be I will find out. If it turns out recovery sucks I can always turn right back to my eating disorder. It's not like anyone is taking it away from me. I am giving it up. Or trying to give it up. The thoughts are too much though. Inside my head is chaos. I wish I could just mute it. Time will also tell if the voice becomes fainter. It better. I can't live like this forever.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
*Added note* I did end up purging taking my daily total calorie intake down to 1,255. I tried not to purge. I used skills. I journaled. I talked with a friend. I just couldn't keep it down.
Rant time! So my mood is insanely up and down today. I woke up wanting to do nothing other than restrict all day. By about ten o'clock I was ready to seize the day and do my damn meal plan. Practically met my meal plan for breakfast if you include my morning snack that I did for an add on for breakfast. As I just mentioned above fucking slayed the hell out of lunch. Got my double helix piercing, went shopping, then went to therapy. Up until this point I was in a great mood. I even smiled during session and joked around with my therapist (which is not an uncommon event) for about the first half of session. Don't get me wrong we were getting shit done just in a lighthearted easy kind of way. Then session got really tough. I became uncomfortable. My walls went up. I shut down. I was still cooperative and trying my best its just that the topic of conversation was extremely difficult. Anyways, from that point I was a little bit agitated and upset. Not that it wasn't a good therapy session because it was. The conversation needed to happen. I just wish it didn't need to be worked through. I wish that there was no "it" to begin with. On my drive home the road I normally take was closed which mean't I had to take a detour and that really pissed me off because I wasn't necessarily in a place that I wanted to have to pay attention. Not that I shouldn't be paying attention while I'm driving but I kind of go on autopilot when I'm on such familiar roads. You know what I mean? There was just too much going on in my head after session and having to take a fucking new way home wasn't my prerogative. So I made it home safely in my agitated state. Then what do I decide is a good idea? Using google to lookup how many calories were in lunch from today and dinner from last night. Instinctively I added together all the calories I had yesterday (below my meal plan yet far too high) and how many calories I've eaten today (again below my meal plan but already more than I had yesterday and I haven't even had dinner yet). With being in a bad mood, a bit flooded from session, and calorie counting what do I decide to do? Go purge. Nothing comes out but stomach acid as I haven't eaten since lunch. I don't know why I even felt the urge to purge. That urge usually passes after about two hours of eating. I wasn't trying to purge food. I needed an immediate release. I was purging emotions. Now my mood is terrible. I've broken a streak of no purging for no reason. I mean there was a reason but nothing good can come of it. No calories were released. I'm still higher in calories than I was yesterday and still have to have dinner. Yes, I said HAVE to. Restricting like my eating disorder wants me to do is not an option. Not today. No matter how bad my mood is. I can potentially meet my meal plan goal if I have an adequate dinner. Which I plan on doing for the first time since I have been home from Florida. Florida was an exceptionally good week. Fun wise and food wise. It was vacation. I was semi-normal. Not that there is such a thing as being normal. You get the gist. I'm not sure what I'm having for dinner. Possibly a crab cake and veggies but I'll journal about that later. The point to this rant is it was supposed to be a good day. Yes it started off rocky but I quickly got back on track and in good spirits. Now I'm having a shit time all because of "it" and calories. Fuck "it" and fuck calories. Calories are supposed to distract me. It isn't working. They're making things worse. I should have listened to my dietitian but no I just had to give into my eating disorder once again. This is the price I have to pay for giving into my ED; being in a terrible mood, breaking a purge free streak, and all consumed with fear about dinner. I should be proud of myself. This was mostly a good day. ED wise and just in general. So I WILL do dinner and I will meet my meal plan whether my eating disorder likes it or not. Fuck you anorexia. I do not need you anymore.
Changing up the mood a little. I had a snack to add more calories to breakfast which was completely inadequate. I know calories are scary, right? Actually they are fuel/energy that our bodies need. Yes I calorie counted and yes I know how many calories I've consumed today. Yes it scares the hell out of my eating disorder. But I on the other hand am proud I did snack. I'm in a slighty better place than I was yesterday. Still calorie counting everything I put into my mouth but more comfortable with it. Terrified to eat more today because of the amount pf calories I've consumed. But guess what? Life goes on and I will too. So what did I have for snack/breakfast make-up? Half a french toast bagel with cream cheese and honey butter. It was amazing. I can't believe I'm writing this. I don't normally acknowledge that food is good. Of course I still had high urges to purge after I ate it. But I resisted. I fought. I added calories and thought about it as I was eating but I ate it anyways. I enjoyed it. It's taste. It's smell. I appreciated what it will do for my body. The fact that it will keep me alive. Today will be a fight against my eating disorder, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying things will be easy just bevaise I'm having a slightly better day than yesterday. It doesn't matter though. It's a fight worth fighting. A fight I think I can win today. I jave amazing support helping me through these challenging times. Chins up butter cups. Today we can all win the battle in our minds. It's all lies. My head is telling me to exercise, NOW, bit I won't. My eating disorder voice is loud and screaming at me for eating the bagel half. It's telling me I'm done eating for the day. But I'm not. I still have lunch and dinner to make it through. I'm trying not to think about that yet though. I'm trying tp stay in the present moment. It's almost lunchtime and of course I do have that to worry about but not quite yet. It will jappen when it does and life will go on. I couldn't be saying any of this if it wasn't for a dear friend of mine whose mame I will not mention. She knows who she is. So thank you for being thete while my mind is playing these nasty obsessive games with me. Keep fighting and stay strong. Don't let your eating disorder dictate your every move, every calorie you consume, everytime you workout, or if you are going to have a good or bad day. I'll leave you with that. 💜