Sunday, April 30, 2017

Night snack 4/30/17

Not much to say. Just a quick update so you all know I am still fighting this thing. Other than the fact that I just almost had a panic attack about non-eating disorder related stuff I am doing ok, Freaking out a little but hanging in there. Distracting myself from the three hundred and forty calories I just consumed. I had a clif bar and a cup of OJ.. Just to show my eating disorder off for making me purge dinner. I feel full. My head is overwhelmed. I can't possibly be full. I'm running on fumes. Just a trick my eating disorder is playing on me. Trying to get me to purge again. I won't. Not this time. I did snack and I am keeping snack. I will keep snack. I am reminding myself of this as I type. Purging is not an option. I will avoid the bathroom. Afraid to even walk past it because I know what will happen. Instantly and shamelessly I will purge. Free myself of the calories. But that is not what I want. That is what my eating disorder wants. Relatively speaking I tried to stay with a safe snack. A snack that would make the urges less intense. It didn't work. My urges are high. But I do not care. I will not give into them. Today was supposed to be a good day eating disorder wise. Instead it was filled with restricting and purging. Self is pissed, upset, and scared. My eating disorder is happy minus the snack I will keep. In case I need to say it one more time for myself; I WILL KEEP SNACK DOWN. I am fighting. I can win. I may be out of control but as long as I distract myself and stay away from the bathroom I should be good. I would normally be worried about the trash can in my bedroom but it is full. I needed to empty it today but I am glad I did not. That would just be another excuse to purge. I will have this victory no matter how small it is.

Dinner 4/30/17

I'm sitting in the living room with parents and sister. This is the first time I have blogged out of my "dungeon" aka my bedroom. It's weird but I need to write. I just ate dinner. Rice, chicken, and veggies. As soon as I was done I went straight to the bathroom. Immediately purged. Next thing I know my sister comes up the stairs saying my mom wants me. Luckily I was already done purging. Or unluckily depending on how you look at it. I went to the bedroom and retrieved my phone. Then returned back downstairs. I know my mom sent my sister upstairs because I left so quickly after dinner. My eating disorder is proud of how quickly I purged. I am devastated. If I would have been caught maybe all this would stop. Maybe I would be held hostage after meals. Maybe that is what I need right now. I am out of control. Cannot stop myself. My skills are far off in lala land after I eat. It doesn't occur to me to using grounding or delaying tactic lately. I just want the food out. Correction, my eating disorder wants the food out. So far today I have kept down two pieces of toast, a cup of OJ, and some chocolate milk. Far less than my meal plan. Like I said last night I am committed to my recovery. but my plan is failing. My effort is lacking or not working I do not know. I, self, is no longer in control. I want to tell my mom how much I am struggling. I want help. I want out of this hell. Yet my eating disorder is satisfied with what I have done today. I need to clear my mind. I need to find my recovery voice again that was there last night. I tried rereading my reminder blog earlier today after lunch. It helped for a while. Made me determined to do dinner. But as quickly as it was in it out was even quicker. What do I do with myself. I think I should do a night snack. My eating disorder disagrees. It says I've had enough today. It says I've had too much. The chaos in my head is maddening. I am so stuck. I need my treatment team right now. I need someone to tell me that I am going to be ok. At least I know I now have the Lord on my side. He has always been there but it took a rude awakening for me to really acknowledge His presence. There must be a reason I am going through this. Some kind of trial. Some kind of pushing my limits to make me stronger. Stronger in life and stronger in my faith. I cling to hope. Tomorrow will be better. I will do a snack or lunch with my dietitian if I need to. At least that is something. Something that I will keep down. Maybe an ensure. Or a clif bar. I don't know. Everything seems unbearable. But I have to do something. I have to find the strength. With her support I can get through it. I know I can. My eating disorder will be trapped in a sense. It will feel miserable. I need that. To be trapped. To have my eating disorder under the eyes of someone other than myself. Yes, I hold myself accountable for my actions. But also I recognize it is this terrible illness doing this to me. It is not my "self". It is something that almost possesses me. An evil being taking over my mind. I hate it. Truly I do. But every time I give into the temptation it grows stronger. I am still scared of what may happen. But my eating disorder is fearless. I will leave you with that.


I grew up in a Christian household. We attended a Baptist church every Sunday. I loved Sunday school. When I was eight I accepted the Lord Christ as my savior. I got baptized. I was strong in my faith even as a young child. Then we moved to Southport NC. We attended a Baptist church for a few years as well. I still loved going to Sunday school. Then my parents decided it was not the right one for our family. We then moved onto a Methodist church. To be honest I was not a big fan of this church. I didn't understand much of what was going on. The language was over my head as I was still young. Then we stopped going to church for a while. As a family it was no longer a tradition. My faith became weaker. My relationship with God was distant.This continued for several years until we began going to a church named Joy Assembly. I loved that church. The services were always moving and the worship was amazing. I was involved in the youth group for middle school age teens.  At the time I was also attending a private christian school. The school changed my life. My relationship with God was renewed. I repented of my sins. I knew in my heart I was saved by his glory. After I stopped attending the private school I also stopped attending church. I did as my family did. Years went by and I occasionally went to church. Especially for Easter and Christmas services. The older I got the more I drifted away from God. When I went off to college the only relationship I had with God was prayer. I did not attend church. When I graduated I finally admitted to my family that I had a serious eating disorder, Anorexia Nervosa. I went off to treatment twice totaling over a year of my life combined. While I was in treatment I prayed to the Lord to take my pain, suffering, and illness away. My illness stayed even after all that time in treatment. I lost my faith. I began to wonder what kind of God would allow me to go through so much pain. I still considered myself a christian but now I know I was not. I had no relationship with God and doubted his existence. On April 29th 2017, in the midst of a relapse, I began to to think about the Bible verse that says God will not give us more than we can handle. I knew I had the strength within me combined with his help to work my way out of relapse. I knew it would be difficult. I recommitted myself to my Savior. My faith is again strong. I no longer have to fight against this devastating illness on my own.. With God on my side I have faith that I can become healthy. Another verse that has always been near to my heart and means a lot to me is Psalms 91:14 "Because he loves me" says the Lord, " I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name."

Lunch 4/30/17

Had baked spaghetti for lunch with dr. pepper. Purged it. Completely felt like it was out of my control. I still feel so guilty for eating breakfast. I am upset that I purged but more than that I am scared. Scared of how out of control this is becoming. My two sisters were upstairs. Either one, or both of them, could have heard me. I didn't care. My eating disorder didn't care. All it cared about was getting the calories out. Immediately after eating. I didn't even have time to journal first. It was automatic. Like as I walked past the bathroom my eating disorder pulled on my puppet strings and told me I was going to purge. Why? I already restricted the larger part of breakfast. I did my best at breakfast I will admit. I could have done better at lunch. It was still restrictive. Which makes me ask again, why did I feel such an intense need to purge? I still mean everything I wrote in my blog last night. I still believe I can do this. I just hope I can do it outpatient. I don't want to go back to treatment. But more than that I don't want to go back down the rabbit hole. My eating disorder is nagging me. Telling me I deserved to purge for eating breakfast and lunch. Telling me I should have skipped breakfast altogether. That I should not have reached out for support like I did. It is telling me I need to purge again now. Make sure I got everything out. I will not do it. I already made that mistake once. I will not force myself to purge again. Not now. Hopefully not ever. I knew this was going to be hard. Getting back on track I mean. I just didn't realize I wouldn't even make it a day. One day of following my meal plan and I would feel better. Less scared of the darkness I am facing. But I fucked up. I made a mistake I can't take back. No sense in dwelling on it now. It can still be a good day. I can still do right by dinner. I hope I can find the strength. My day hasn't been all bad. It has been dictated by my eating disorder mostly but I did enjoy some quality time with my sisters at the beach. I laid out for a while. Then my eating disorder made me go for a walk. The walk turned out to be nice though because my sisters decided to come with me. It distracted me as to why I was going  on a walk in the first place; to burn calories. Now my mood has sunken. I just want to sleep away the day. But I have too much to accomplish today. I can't take a nap. I can't be so down on myself. I will try again at dinner. I will try again tomorrow. I will try to do better. I will live by my commitment to recovery. Of course there will be slips and of course it is not going to be perfect. That doesn't mean that I should stop trying. Which is what my eating disorder is telling me now. I must admit I am afraid I have made my commitment a little too late. That won't stop me from fighting like hell though. I am sick of being a marionette doll. I am sick of existing between two worlds. I made a commitment to give recovery a fair chance and I never break my word.  Or if I do I do everything in my power to make it right, I do a lot of stupid things and make my fair share of mistakes but going against my word is not something I do. I am still thriving for the world of recovery. Taking this slight defeat for what it is. A mistake. I wish my eating disorder would shut up. I wish it would stop taunting me. Telling me I will be nothing more than an eating disorder for the rest of my life. I am not an eating disorder. I may be ill and I may have suffered from an eating disorder for over half of my life but that does not mean I am doomed. It just means I have to fight that much harder. Scared or not I am prepared to go into battle.

Breakfast 4/30/17

I managed breakfast. With support. Two pieces of toast with a thin layer of peanut butter. Three hundred fifty calories. Sigh. Not enough fuel. Too much fuel. I am over these mind games. I am proud of myself for doing something for breakfast. Even if it wasn't enough. Even if my body needs more. Breakfast is always so challenging for me. Lunch is my hardest meal. But there's something about breakfast. Something that makes me really uncomfortable throughout the day. I think there are a lot of reasons why. The first being that it speeds up my metabolism and makes me hungry throughout the day. I hate feeling hunger. It makes me feel too human. Which, of course I am. It makes me feel uneasy as though I've done something wrong. Something I shouldn't be doing. Allowing my window of hours I'm allowed to consume calories to expand. Another reason why breakfast is difficult is because to be honest I'm just not that big a fan of breakfast foods. Like not my eating disorder myself. I hate bacon and sausage. Eggs are okay. I do love grits though. And oatmeal but only if I am in the mood for it. Breakfast foods such as pancakes, waffles, and french toast are delicious. My eating disorder is terrified of them. Maybe I should start challenging that. Start making it an effort to have at least one hot breakfast a week for now. I think that is a good idea. Then if I really think about it I know I like hash browns. Maybe breakfast foods aren't so bad after all. Maybe it is partly the the rules around eating so early in the morning. Eating before lunch. That's the problem. That's the thing that gets me. Growing up I don't remember eating breakfast. I'm sure we did on occasion but it was never a daily thing. I'm talking pre-eating disorder here. My family doesn't really do breakfast. it's just not a thing around here. It makes me feel needy and guilty to have to do it. To need the fuel. They are all healthy. But they are not being treated for anorexia nervoso. So I guess they get to make their own rules, oh well. I learned from a very young age that life isn't fair. As I'm tying this my urge to purge is hanging in strong. I could do it. I could do it and get away with it. My sisters are downstairs. They would never no. I am quick. I am quiet. But I will not allow this brand new day to  start of being ruled by my eating disorder. I must stay strong. I must commit to the recovery process. Who knows maybe will be a great day. Maybe I will be able to go for a run tonight. Like I've been wanting to do since forever but that is not allowed. Not while I am actively purging anyways. So that is some motivation to keep the food down. Just one factor of motivation. There is plenty more. As I posted last night I am finally, truly, and deeply ready to commit to the recovery process. Terrified yes, but ready. It's high time I give my 100% to get better. To get my life. I would say to get my life back but the truth is I don't really remember much about my life pre eating disorder. I was so young when the thoughts started. I was a kid. I didn't really have a life then. I just had kid stuff. Normal kid stuff. Stuff that no kid should have to go through. A mixed blur of both flooding my memories. Now back to breakfast. It was inadequate. It was restrictive. But I did it. A small victory for recovery. I plan to keep it. I plan to stay in control. I plan to do lunch and dinner. We will see how the day goes.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

12:22 am (a reminder to self)

I'm trying to sleep. By eating disorder thoughts are running wild. Keeping me awake. I am exhausted. It has been an emotionally and physically draining day. My eating disorder just wants me to workout. Burn off some of the calories I consumed today. Burn off as many as I can. My true self is fighting the urges. It is not easy. My thoughts are blurry. Can I do recovery OP? Do I need a higher level of care? Should I talk to my team about stepping up to IOP? I hope that will not be necessary. I have had a really rough weekend. But maybe it is just that. Maybe I can keep myself from going down the rabbit hole OP. Maybe the support of loved ones and my treatment team is all I need. That and my own commitment. The truth is I can finally say for certain I am ready to commit to recovery. My eating disorder is terrified. Afraid that I will no longer be it's puppet. Yet I do not know if I am strong enough to cut the strings. I do know these last few days have scared the hell out of me. They have been more than a lapse. Less than a full blown relapse. I hope tomorrow is better. I hope I come closer to meeting my meal plan. Hell, I hope I meet my meal plan. I need this. I need it for myself. I need it for my family. I need it for my job. I need it to put my mind at ease. I need it to assure myself I am not relapsing. My treatment team still believes in my strength. So why don't I? Then again my treatment team hasn't seen me since Thursday. Yes I was struggling then but this is something else. More than struggling. This is something that has made me scared. Scared that I am headed back down the rabbit hole. But I do not trust myself enough to know what I need. In truth I don't think stepping up to IOP will help. I feel like at this point I need to take more accountability on my own. Do what I am supposed to be doing. I know how to do it. But I feel out of control. Especially these last few days. Hopefully tomorrow is better. Hopefully there will be no more purging. But that makes me nervous. Knowing that what goes in my body must stay in it. It makes me afraid of the high restriction that will come in. But I know to expect this so I will be on guard. I will be prepared to battle the high urges. I just hope I am strong enough to resist acting on them. I am not perfect. My treatment team does not expect me to be perfect. There are ups and downs in everyone's recovery process. What matters is that I really commit. That I fight like hell everyday, every meal. No more skipping meals. I cannot allow my eating disorder to get the satisfaction out of that. it only makes it stronger. I'm confused. I am scared. I just want to get better. If nothing else these last few weeks have shown me what I don't want; my eating disorder. I don't want it anymore. I don't need it anymore. Yet I am terrified to let go. It is okay to be terrified to let go of such a large piece of myself in my opinion, But why am I so scared to let go of something that has nearly destroyed me? Left me so damaged. I have so many questions that I cannot answer. So many words in my head that I am trying to express. I am not comfortable with the weight I am at. But I never have been. No matter how low the weight has gotten. I know it will never be low enough. So why not just be happy and healthy? There is no reason not to be. I have to get my eating disorder back under my control. I have to let go. If for no other reason that these past few days have been a big awakening to me. They have made me realize how miserable I am in my eating disorder when it gets bad. They have made me afraid to go there again. I'm not going to lie. I have been thinking about if recovery is right for me over the past several months. Ever since I found out my weight. I have still been fighting during that time but not giving 100%. After the last few days I now know I was playing with fire. Fire that is now so strong that I don't know how to put out the flames. I just know I have to try. I will start the day off right tomorrow. I will do breakfast. It may be small but I will do what I can manage. I will then go on to do lunch and dinner. I am committed. Maybe it took this oh so close relapse for me to realize I haven't been putting in all my effort. Maybe I am in a relapse. That doesn't mean I am not going to fight it. Fight it hard. Fight against the voices screaming in my head. Listen to the faint voice that recovery still has. Block out the eating disorder. Appreciate it for helping me cope in the past but it's time to move on. I now have new skills and coping mechanisms. ones that I intend to use. It will be hard meal after meal. I may cry. But I will be doing the right thing. The right thing for me. The thing that will give me life. I may need this blog as a reminder at times. A reminder at how close I came to a serious relapse and how terrible it is/was. I am making a commitment to myself. A commitment to give recovery everything I've got because I can simply not live like this anymore. One foot in and one foot out. From now on it's both feet in. Both feet in recovery. I don't by any means think it will be easy. I don't think this is going to be a quick fix.I don't think suddenly I will just be able to do my meal plan. But I had a glimpse a few months ago of what recovery will look like and it will be worth it. So I am holding onto that. I'm letting go. Saying goodbye to my eating disorder for once and for all.

Dinner 4/29/17

Wow. That was challenging. I had a steak, a small baked potato, and fresh veggies. It wasn't the food that was so challenging. It was my mood. I had literally just stopped crying about how much I have been struggling lately. Venting to my little sister. She said she will do anything she can to support me. She said she doesn't really understand the battle in my head. But she does understand that I want to get better and at times like these it is going to take a lot of support to get there. She offered to start doing breakfast and lunch with me. I am grateful. My eating disorder is pissed. Pissed about what I just ate. Pissed about the calories I didn't count. I know for certain I am under my meal plan by a lot today. So why am I still freaking out. Having the conversation right before dinner was hard. It made eating more difficult. There was a lot of pressure. A lot of pressure I put on myself. I want to purge. But again I am in an environment that will make it nearly impossible. I could just purge in a plastic bag in my bedroom like I used to do. That is what the eating disorder wants to do. I am sick of being bossed around by my eating disorder. I want freedom from this hell. My eating disorder is screaming at me. Hateful words. Words full of rage. My recovery voice is quiet. I just had a recovery win. A full meal that I will be forced, that sounds harsh, that I am lucky to get keep in. I am  not necessarily in control anymore but with added support I can start getting back on track day by day. I know I met my needs for dinner. I am trying not to think if I exceeded them. My best guess for dinner is 600 calories. That is right on target for my meal plan. I should be proud. Yet I am upset. I am upset because I am too full. And because of the difficult conversation I had with my sister. My anxiety is high. I am about to panic. But I will not give into my eating disorder now. It wants me to compensate at any chance I get. Since I can't rid myself of the food it wants me to exercise all night. Burn calories. I will try to be strong and not act on the urges. You ate way too much. You are over your allowed calories for the day. You need to purge. You need to workout. You need to compensate tomorrow. The calories in dinner will make you gain weight. I don't want you gaining weight. I want you losing weight. I want you to lose weight until there is none left to lose. You are overweight now. Imperfect. Nothing special. I can't believe you are fighting against me like this. I am trying to help you. I am trying to make you perfect and pure, thin and bones. You know that's what you want. You may think recovery is worth it but recovery is for those not strong enough to stay engaged in their eating disorders. You were weak today. You allowed yourself to have that snack earlier. Adding the three hundred calories. And now six hundred more. That;s a total of nine hundred calories. You pig. Nine hundred calories. That is almost double what you are allowed. You are disgusting. You take up too much space. You will fail at recovery anyways. You'll never make it. I am your only friend. I know how to make you happy. I promise to give you the body you want. Just listen to me and everything will be okay. All lies from my eating disorder. I am uncomfortable with what I ate but I know I needed it. God knows I'm still far under my meal plan today, I only met about half of it. Trying to look on the bright side though. Whether it was the circumstances or not I still managed to keep down more calories than I did yesterday. I don't plan on working out all night. I plan to have a better day tomorrow. Even though things are really tough right now. I need to start holding myself more accountable. Sure, I need support. But really this is on me, I will have to fight harder not to let this become the relapse I feel coming on so strongly. The eating disorder voice may be much louder than the recovery voice but I know which I want to listen to. Just because I am going through a tough time does not mean I have given up on recovery. It just means I need to work that much harder. I need to come up with a plan for distraction after meals. Journaling obviously but something more. Something that requires me to be distracted for longer. I am not sure what that will be as of yet. I plan on talking with my dietitian about it on Monday. Something has got to give. It's not like I can just lock all the bathroom doors. I was thinking about going for walks after I finish journaling while listening to music. Nature and music are my go to's when I am having a hard time, especially with anxiety. I'm sick of the purging. I'm sick of the restricting. I'm sick of the need to compensate for everything that goes in my mouth. Quite frankly. I am sick of my eating disorder. It's purpose has been served. It's time to let go and move on with my life. Yes, this scares the hell out of me. But it also promises a better tomorrow. A better life. One that I want to live. I'm sick of the games that my eating disorder has me play. The hoops it has me jump through. It's not fair. I'm never good enough for it anyways. Never thin enough. Never perfect enough. Never anything enough. At the same time way too much. I'm having a difficult time sitting with this food in my belly. But I am glad I fueled myself somewhat today. Although I would be purging right now given the opportunity I do not have it. I am relieved. I am safe. I do not feel safe but I know that I am, Closer to life now. If only by a little bit. I still have tomorrow to worry about but I can't even handle those thoughts right now. I am overwhelmed with mixed emotions. Glad I could eat and not purge. Terrified by the feeling of being  full.. It is a constant battle between two worlds. Tonight I may not be happy with the food sitting in my belly but I know it was the right thing to do. A small victory win for recovery no matter what the circumstances may be.

Snack 4/29/17

I feel trapped. I did this intentionally. Not trapped on my eating disorder. Trapped in the sense that I have put myself in a position I cannot purge. There are people everywhere. No bathroom I can quietly and discretely sneak off to. I thought it would be a good idea. A good idea to eat in a position I can't purge. But I'm freaking out. It's like being in treatment. Eyes constantly on me. I don't know what to do with the panic. My eating disorder wants the food gone. My rational mind knows this is the best. Maybe the push I need to get back on track. There is a part of me screaming though. It is my eating disorder. Pissed that I put myself in this situation. I had a snack. So what? Big fucking deal. People do it everyday. They move on with there lives. They do not panic. I can barely breathe. My anxiety is high. I just took a xanax. It should kick in in about thirty minutes. Until then I will just have to wait. My eating disorder wants me to purge despite the people around. If I am caught I can always lie. Say the food made me sick. Say I wasn't purging. It's an option. But I am not going to take it. I have purged all day. I need a break from the eating disorder. I need my logical self to kick back into action. For snack I had my leftovers from lunch. probably about three hundred calories. So far it's all I've kept in today. I, self, want to keep the food. I know I need it. I am not proud though. Because this situation is so uncomfortable. So suffocating. I knew I would be trapped. No way to purge. That's why I pushed myself to do the snack. What I didn't realize was the panic that would come with the feeling of being trapped. No way out. Other than the lies I have already mentioned. Truth be told I am a very honest person. But when it comes to my eating disorder I will lie before you can even blink. I hate that. I hate the person my eating disorder turns me into. It is a terrible feeling to go against my values. I will not do it. I will not purge. I will keep the calories, the fuel. the energy. I will use skills. Skills that haven't been working lately but maybe just maybe they will work this time. Maybe I won't have to lie about being sick. Maybe I can have this one small victory. I can do this. Beginning stage of relapse or not I can do this. I will do this. I will make it through the urges. Maybe I should take a nap if my mind will shut up enough to let me sleep.

Lunch 4/29/17

I challenged myself. Pushed through the  discomfort. Went out to eat. Ate something I know I like. It was good. The problem is I looked up the calories. Five hundred, Right close to my meal plan needs. But I couldn't finish it. The eating disorder was too loud. My mind going back and forth between how good the food was and how many calories I was consuming. Now I want to purge. Well my eating disorder wants me to purge. To compensate. Too rid myself of the unwanted calories. I am full. I am miserable. I hate the feeling of being full. I am trying so hard not to purge. I hope it works out in my favor. I am afraid it will not. Scared that the eating disorder will take over. I am trying not to let that happen. I feel it coming. The loss of control. The puppet strings being pulled on. Hard. With anger and fury. I want to be okay. I want to be able to have this recovery win today. I need it. I am becoming desperate. Desperate because I am scared I'm out of control. My eating disorder calling the shots. I must have some control left or I wouldn't have eaten at all. Anorexia just kind of works that way. Or I would have had something small. Something like a salad with no dressing. Something I used to eat while actively engaging in my eating disorder. I am no longer in that place. Thank God. But I am not in a good place. I am in a limbo. Confused. Being used as a slave by my eating disorder. Anorexia bossing me around. Loudly. Screaming at me. Why did I eat what I did. I had something yummy. A Noodle curry bowl with chicken. I enjoyed it. But the eating disorder thoughts spoiled most of it for me. I was with my parents. I felt the pressure to do well. They are not aware how much I am struggling. At least I do not think they know. If they do know they haven't said anything to me. I can feel the food working its way up my throat as I type. Clearly it doesn't want to stay down. Was it a mistake? Lunch. No. It was a step in the right direction. My mind is a mess. So many words. So much to say. So much to vent about. You should have gotten a safer option. You should have gotten something with fewer calories. You shouldn't eat for pleasure or enjoyment. You are disgusting. I can't believe what you just did. You need to rid yourself of the calories at all costs. You allowed yourself the amount of calories in one meal that you are allowed all day. You may not eat anything else today. You need to go for a run. You need to run till you can't breath. Until you are about to pass out. Don't stop. Keep going. Workout. Don't be lazy. Don't go to the beach and lay out. If you go to the beach you are only allowed to go for a walk. Or a run. You don't need to wear a bathing suit. Your body is disgusting. You are a whale. People will stare. They will be disgusted by you. I'm trying to fight against these words. I need a recovery win right now. Some indication that I am not relapsing. That I am simply struggling.. That this is a low point in the recovery process. That I am okay. I don't feel okay. I feel stuck. Trapped. Trapped in a web of lies. Stuck between two worlds. Being pulled quickly back into the darkness. I think recognizing this will help me stay on the right path. My acknowledgement that I am going down the rabbit hole could save me from a relapse. I do not want to purge lunch. I want to keep it. A giant fuck you to anorexia.

Lunch update. I purged. I really tried not to. I journaled. I reached out to a friend. I used skills. I ran an errand to get out of the house, away from the bathrooms, I did the best I could. The eating disorder took over. I am afraid. Scared that this is the beginning of a relapse. I, self, wanted to go for a run today. Not to burn calories but to enjoy it. Now I will not allow myself to do it. I have already purged four times today. I don't know what is going on. Maybe it's just a bad string of days. I hope so. I hope this isn't a relapse. But I am terrified that it is. There is no way to be sure. The thing that gives me some hope is that I'm still fighting. Still trying. Still using skills. Not completely giving into my eating disorder. It doesn't feel like a full blown relapse. At least not yet. I can't let it turn into one. I have to figure out a plan. A way to kick anorexia's ass.

Snack 4/29/17

I had a snack.. I made myself do it. I had 1/2 a cup of fat free cottage cheese and a few nuts. Like a small handful. Less than a serving. Snack was two hundred calories. I think I can live with that. My eating disorder cannot. Too many calories at once. But my fuck eating disorder. I will not purge like it is trying to get me to do. It is only 10:23 am and I have already purged twice. I'm putting my foot down on this one. I will not purge. Self does not want me to purge. I needed the calories. Plus it is only a third of the calories I needed for breakfast. Still under my meal plan for today. But I am fighting back. It is hard. The eating disorder is loud. It is pulling on my puppet strings. It is trying to make me be empty once again. There is hate in the words being said to me. My eating disorder wishes I only did the cottage cheese. Or nothing at all. But I'm reminding myself my body needs fuel. Energy. This is a helpful way for me to think about calories. I'm not calm. My anxiety is high. It will not be easy to keep the food I just consumed. Self knows I need to keep. I need to get as close as I can to my meal plan today. I was over one thousand calories short yesterday. I cannot do that again today. As I write these words my eating disorder becomes more angry. Wondering why I am ignoring the hateful chatter in my mind. It is because I am trying to do the next right thing. Trying to be on the bus to recovery. I want off the train that is my eating disorder. I am in control of the bus. I get to drive. I get to make the decisions. Snack may have only made up for a third of breakfast but I'm counting it was a win. A win fir recovery. The recovery I want so badly. Who knows maybe I will even find the strength to do another snack today to help makeup for the lost calories. The thought is unbearable right now. Right now my eating disorder is screaming that I won't purge. It is saying if I don't purge I can only have one more snack today. No meals. That will keep me at my allowed calories for the day. But I will not give into these thoughts. I will get back on track with lunch. It will be hard. It will be scary. Who cares? I've been through so much worse. The fear isn't about the food. Of course it is about the food. But it is about so much more. It is about staying safe. It is about numbing my emotions when I purge. It is about avoidance. Avoidance of my assignment that I have yet to do. I am hoping I can find the strength to do it today. Go ahead. Open the book. Do the worksheets. It will be challenging. It is about a tough topic.. One that will surely make me cry. One that will bring up all kinds of emotions, memories, and thoughts. I can't keep avoiding it. I Must do it today no matter what. No matter what mood I am in. It will be healing I hope. I think it will be worth it. I am scared to do it. But I do not think Kelly would assign me something I can not handle. I trust her to help me through this process. The process of healing.. The one I need so badly to get my life back. To be okay in the world. I am still listening to the mind chatter it will not stop. I should not have done the nuts. My eating disorder is not happy. My recovery side is. I am confused. Because the ED voice is so much louder. As I sit  here typing I am still contemplating purging. But I will not. Fuck that. I need the fuel. I need it so my mind is clear enough to think straight. So that I am able to do my assignment. So I am able to live.

Why do I want recovery?

Trying to shift my focus. This will be a challenging topic to write about with where my head is lately. I want recovery because it aligns with my values. I want to be free from my eating disorder. I want the chains to fall away. I want recovery so I can be fully engaged in life. Not just merely existing. Existence is now way to live. It is miserable. I want recovery so I can be the best me possible. I want recovery so that I can continue doing my job. The job that I am so passionate about. In the past my eating disorder has left me passionless. It is no way to live. It is miserable. I want recovery because I know it will be worth. I had a small glimpse of what it would be like for about five months I was semi-stable. I want that back. I was so much happier. Yes it was a struggle everyday. But not like it is now. It was a fight I was winning. The only thing that has changed since that time is that I found out my weight. Way too high according to my eating disorder. But I know it's a healthy number. The number shouldn't matter. What should matter is that I was happy and healthy. To put it simply I want recovery because it will be worth it. I know I can fight for it. I may feel trapped now but I am not giving up. It may seem like that from my resent posts but that's not true. That is lies from the eating disorder. I want recovery so I can be in charge of my life. Not bossed around by anorexia. I want freedom. I want life. I want to eat three meals a day. I want that sense of happiness back. I want my walls to go back down. I want connection. I want meaningful relationships. Not just an abusive relationship with my eating disorder.

Breakfast (round two) 4/29/17

I'm working on breakfast now. Four hundred and seventy-five calories. 2/3 cup of granola, 1 cup of yogurt, and 2/3 cup of mango. I measured. To be safe. To be able to know exactly how many calories were in my breakfast. I'm doing okay with it. Telling myself it's a healthy breakfast. Trying to focus on the components. Starch, protein, dairy, and fruit. The battle in my mind turns into a war. One side strong one side weak. But hey, you can never overlook the underdog. Maybe I will be able to resist the high urges that came with finishing breakfast. Just like that my mind flips back to the eating disorder. Willing me to purge. To get rid of the calories. I will not give in. Not today. Not again. It is painful knowing I have food inside of me. It makes me feel unsafe. I feel better, more pure, more safe when I am empty. I have to be strong now.

I purged again. The safety in knowing how many calories I had did not help today. The chains of my eating disorder are still too strong. I am a failure at recovery.

Early morning 4/29/17

I wake up. Wide awake. it is too early. I slept about five hours. It wasn't enough. I am exhausted, It wasn't good sleep. I woke up a million times, I am trying to debate going back to sleep now. or should I do breakfast now? Now while I'm awake? I can't. It's too early. My eating disorder is telling me this. That I should wait to eat, That I shouldn't do breakfast at all. I know I need to do it. I am afraid to eat so early. I don't know why. I guess it's a rule. A rule set by my eating disorder. I am not hungry. I should never eat when I am not hungry. Eating when I am hungry is even worse. It makes me feel so guilty. So guilty to have basic human needs. I want to be the exception to the rule. The rule that says everyone, including me, needs fuel. Needs breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I see non-eating disordered people all around me that don't do breakfast. Sure they may do bigger lunches and dinners than I do. Sure they snack throughout the day. But it isn't fair. If they don't have to eat breakfast why do I? Because I am trying to be in recovery. Trying to give my body what it needs. Trying not to make a pattern of skipping breakfast. I am afraid it will happen again today. The chains still in my mind. The puppet strings still intact. I wish I woke up with a new mindset. A healthy way of thinking. This did not happen however. The eating disorder is still so much louder than my recovery voice. Oh no. What if this is a relapse. It feels different than a lapse. I think the biggest difference is that a lapse is a mistake. A small error in my day but then I am able to get right back on track. I feel guilty for the error. Whereas with a relapse I feel no remorse for my wrong doing. It makes me feel better. Stronger. More in control. Even though I am logically out of control. Under the spell and lies of my eating disorder. I will not do breakfast now. I hope I do breakfast later. I need my new rules  ingrained in me. Especially the golden rule; eat. These rules are nothing compared to my eating disorder rules. They have been there for so long. They are automatic. No thought process has to happen for me to act on them. The new rules are difficult. Require skill and strength to use. I wasn't about to use them yesterday. I hope I can use them today.

I decide to go ahead and do breakfast. It was a mistake. I purged. It was automatic. No thought process. No recovery voice to be found. My eating disorder is throwing a mini victory party. It looks as though today will be like yesterday. But fuck that. I will "redo" breakfast later. Try to hold it down. Fight like hell. I can't have another day like yesterday. It is too easy. Too addicting. To much power being given to my eating disorder. I hate it. I want it to stop. By eating disordered is pleased. I am not. I know I am putting myself in danger. I think I will do granola, yogurt, and fruit for round two. It seems safer than other options. Playing it safe makes me feel weak. But clearly I am not in a place to challenge myself with something more. I need coffee. I need to start this day off right. I will give myself thirty minutes or so before I try to  eat again.

Friday, April 28, 2017

More words

You would think I would be out of things to say by now. Yet my mind is flooded. I can't sleep. I am trying but failing. The words floating around in my head are excruciating. Why did I eat so little today? So little that I kept anyways. Why did I allow my eating disorder to be in control? It was out of my control. I was helpless. All my skills couldn't save me. My skills weren't even present in my mind. Skills that I use on a daily basis, Skills such as opposite action, delaying tactic, four square breathing, and distraction. I used opposite action and delaying tactic for lunch. I was strong in that. In control. The rest of the day it was as though I have no skills. Back at square one. A beginner to recovery. A failure at recovery. The words won't slow down. They are keeping me awake. My recovery voice is growing louder. Slightly proud that I just did a little bit of fat free sugar free vanilla ice cream with fruit. I am also upset by this. Not me but my eating disorder. It is a small victory. I can recognize that. It feels like failure though. It is confusing. It is only failure in the eyes of my eating disorder. Mostly failure because I am refusing to purge. Fighting the overbearing urges. The main reason I am refusing to purge is because I have already taken my night medication. I don't want to purge the pills. I need them. I know I do. I also needed the calories I just consumed. I know this. I am trying not to be a puppet. Not to let my eating disorder win one more time today. It's a tough battle to fight. I want the food out. I want the food in. I want to be proud of my accomplishment. I am a little bit. But it is faint. Not a loud victory. A small one. One step towards recovery. I am writing so I do not purge. I am writing to help put my mind at ease. The eating disorder thoughts immediately came back in so strong even as I was making the snack. Telling me not to dare do it. I did it anyways. I am ashamed of this. I am proud of this. It makes no sense I know. I want to feel the safety that purging offers. I want to feel the freedom. The control of my body. But more than those things I want to feel proud of what I've done. No matter how small of a success it was. On days like today I try to cling to the little things. The positives. The things that give me hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better. Hope that I am in fact stronger than my eating disorder. This s difficult for me to say. Because I do not believe after the day I have had. I can hardly fathom the fact that I am not purging right now. Disgusted with myself. My eating disorder is pissed. It is raging. My recovery voice only slightly louder than it was a hour ago. But I can hear it. I can feel it in my soul. One step in the right direction. Now both voices fighting with each other. Keeping me awake, Keeping me on my toes. Keeping me wondering how long I can go without purging this. I've already managed to keep it in about thirty minutes. I do not plan on purging it. My eating disorder has other plans though. Compensation through exercise is where my mind is headed. If I don't sleep I might as well workout. I should do something useful to rid myself of the calories. I have taken purging off the table. But exercise is still an option. The strings on my puppet still strongly in place. When will sleep find me? When will peace come? Freedom from my thoughts. I want to be asleep. I wish I  had no more to say. Yet the words keep pouring out. Coming to my mind with ease. An endless rant. An endless battle. A battle between right and wrong. A battle of recovery oriented thoughts verses my oh so powerful eating disorder. The thoughts are very much the same as they were earlier. I will not bore you by writing them out again. They are a mistake. Something I can not control.  Something that controls me. I will stop writing now. For the night. I will surely have more to write tomorrow. More to vent about. More ranting about my pain. Stay strong for the night. Do not purge. Words I need to hear right now. Keep fighting, It may be hard. it may hurt like hell. It is the right thing today. On a day that I have done everything wrong one small victory.

Snack 4/28/17

I fought back. I tried. I lost. I purged. The eating disorder has a strong hold on me today. I am losing the game, The game of recovery I really tried to play today. Instead my life is in shambles. I couldn't resist the urge. I am scared. Alone. Isolated. By my own stupid decision. I can't handle being around people right now. My anxiety is too bad. I am about to take my night meds. Call it a day. Sleep away my troubles. Wake up in a better mood. In a controlled mood. Not one controlled by my eating disorder. One controlled by my true self. The self that cares about recovery. The self that wants to live by my values. Connection, humor, family, faith, and work. I will have to get there tomorrow. I can not fight anymore tonight. I would try again. But my eating disorder won't let me. I am over the calories allowed. The calories allowed by my eating disorder. I have purged three times today. It isn't enough. It is too much. Confusion. Distress. Comfort. So many mixed emotions. Purging made me feel safer. It is a lie. I know it is. Yet I couldn't help myself. I feel out of control today. A puppet to my eatinng disorder. A slave. I want to be free. Don't I deserve freedom from this living hell? I am not sure. My true self thinks so. I deserve more. I deserve life. Not existence. Not misery. But I am confused because all though I am miserable I feel at ease. I feel comfort. I feel safety. It's a false sense of safety. Lies from my eating disorder. Writing this out feels good. It makes me feel slightly more in control of what is going on in my head right now. Why didn't I purge lunch? Why did I purge everything else? I am pissed. My recovery voice is very disappointed. But it is too faint. Too faint for me to care. The eating disorder is in complete control today. I feel like a victim. God I hate to feel like a victim. I want to be recovered. I want to skip over the recovery process. I just want to get where I am going. Where I am trying to go. My efforts seem futile today. Not enough. Not strong enough. Too weak. Too worthless. Please let tomorrow be better. Let me have a good day. Let me beat my eating disorder. Let self be in control. Let this chains fall off of me. The chains the eating disorder has placed in my mind today. It is so uncomfortable. Yet so familiar. So self destructive. I am confused. Lonely. Scared. Willing myself to make it through the night. Telling myself tomorrow is a brand new day. A day I can do right. But what if I wake up with these chains still here? Will tomorrow be another win for my eating disorder? Time will tell. I hope you are all doing better than I am. That you are fighting harder. Not giving into the voices. Please stay in control. Stay calm. Keep going. Recovery will be worth. But the eating disorder is so tempting. Don't give in. Don't give up. I am reminding myself of this as well.

Dinner 4/28/17

Just tackled dinner. Met my needs. Tried to portion correctly. I'm freaking out. I need to purge. Rid myself of all of it. I feel like it was a mistake to eat. My Si and SH urges are still super high. Less so than earlier today but present. I also feel like I need to figure out how many calories I just consumed. I had a soda with dinner. That alone was one hundred and ninety calories. Why would I have done that? I am so full. I'm trying to shift the focus away from the calories. Trying to the about the components I had instead. I ate salad and baked spaghetti. Veggies, fat, protein, and starch. I met my needs. I can't help but think about lunch and how I went over calories. Oh God what if I went over calories for dinner to. Stop. Stop doing this to yourself. Think about something else. I try to switch my focus. It automatically goes back to the pills. The pills that I have in arms reach. Stop again. Try to think about something else. Calm down. I  am under my meal plan for the day since I didn't do breakfast and purged snack. I have to be around one thousand two hundred. That's my best guess. Too high yet not high enough. What the fuck is going on in my head right now. Why are my urges so high? I was fine while I was eating. Struggling of course but doing ok relatively speaking. Now my anxiety has sky rocketed. I want the food out. I want the soda out. Drinking  the soda made me too full. I am extremely uncomfortable right now. I wish to be empty and pure. Perfect if you will. But I must fight the urges. I have already purged once today. That is one time too many. That is two times not enough. I wish I had purged lunch. I wish I could purge dinner. But that is my eating disorder speaking. I can differentiate the thoughts right now. The thoughts for recovery are quiet but present. Otherwise I would have my head over the toilet right now purging away. The thoughts from my eating disorder are loud. Much more present. Their presence makes me uncomfortable. Uneasy. Crazy. Maddened. Dizzy from the speed of my thoughts. You are fat.  You are lazy. You don't deserve to eat. You much rid yourself of the food. You had way too much to eat today. You should be ashamed of yourself. You failed at your eating disorder. You failed at recovery. You are a complete failure. You are useless. Worthless. A waste of space. Unbelievable. You are a whale. Disgusting. You need to cut to distract. The pain will make you feel better. You deserve the pain. You deserve to bleed. You deserve the scars it will leave. You are too imperfect. Too human. Such a mistake. Such a waste of time and space. No one will love you. You are no longer special. Struggling but not sick enough. You need to return to your old habits. The ones that make you unique. The ones that made you thin. The ones that made you purge so much you threw up blood. The ones that caused you to workout until you literally puked. Workout. You lazy, stupid, worthless bitch. Be more perfect. Do the things that will destroy you. They will make you strong. Beautiful. Special. Different. More at ease. It's either the eating disorder or death. Although the eating disorder way of doing things may bring death. You will never be thin enough to please me, You will always be too much. Yet not enough. Lose weight. Purge. Restrict. Fast tomorrow. Fast the day after that. Lie. Pretend to eat with your family. Push your food around. You know how to do it. You've done it in the past. You are sneaky. I am sneaky. I will rule you once again. Old habits die hard. They will come back to life They will destroy your chance at recovery. The eating disorder thoughts are screaming at me. All this and more. I can barely keep up with my thoughts. I don't feel well. I feel crazy. I feel like I will relapse. I am in a bad place today. I have been journaling a while now and my anxiety has not gone down. The urge to purge will not go away.. I am trying to be rational. Trying to battle the eating disorder thoughts. I do not think I am strong enough to win today. I think this will end in a purge. I hope not. My eating disorder hopes so. I am torn. Torn between two worlds. One that I want. One that I do not. One foot in one foot out. Help me get both feet in the world of recovery. Why is my mind doing this to me today? Why can't I pull myself together? Why do I want to take more pills? Please make the chaos stop. Please let me calm down. please let me breath. Focus on my breath. Try to ground. Try not to listen to the yelling voices. But oh God they are so loud and strong today. I can't do this. I can't keep myself from purging. I will let myself down surely. I will give into my eating disorder. I haven't exercised enough today. Just a short walk. I've been in bed miserable most of the day. Trying to sleep away the pain and agony I am in. Trying to avoid doing the work I need to do for my therapist. For myself. healing work. Hard work. Work that I want to do but am terrified of. I have to stop writing now. I have to go purge. I can not resist any longer. God knows I tried. That's all that can be asked of me. I can only do the best I can do. So what if I'm not fucking perfect? I'm not perfect at having an eating disorder.  I'm not perfect at recovery. I am human. I remind myself of this. I make mistakes. How many times have I said that today? The problem is the eating disorder is so loud right now, so strong, so present, that purging doesn't seem like it will be a mistake. It feels like it will be a band-aid for the pain I am in. A quick fix. A release. A way to calm down, A way to rid myself of the unwanted calories. I knew I should't have had that damn soda. Why did I push myself to do it? Stupid recovery choice that's why. I thought I could handle it. Clearly I was wrong.I did it. I purged. I rid myself of the calories. I don't know how many calories I just know it was too many. I have purged everything besides lunch. I'm sitting at six hundred and sixty calories for the day. More than my eating disorder wants. Far less than my recovery voice needs. I am shamed to say I feel no remorse for purging, I feel better. Calmer. Safer. The truth is I am in more danger now. Logically I still know that. But I do not care. It was a quick fix. A way to please my eating disorder. I fought hard today but not hard enough. I tried the recovery thing but anorexia won. Today I was weak in my fight. I was not strong enough. Mentally frail. A push over. I let my eating disorder rule me. Tomorrow will be better. It must be. I will have to sleep on it. Really think about my new rules. Think of a way to be stronger tomorrow. Do better. Follow my meal plan. No purging. No skipping breakfast. I must start the day off right. I must do better. I can not let my eating disorder rule me like this. It feels so good to be in control. It is overwhelming how good it feels. It scares me. It makes me want my eating disorder. I think I am unsteady right now. Not in my right mind. I am confused. Controlled by my eating disorder. Maybe I will find the strength to do a small snack later. Fight back a bit. I don't know. I may write more later. That's all I have to say for now. A long post I know. Thanks for hanging in there with me if you are still reading. Until next time stay strong and carry on.

Snack 4/28/17

I'm still not in a great place. I got so concerned for my safety earlier I called Kelly. I needed to hear her voice. I needed to take her advice. I didn't know what else to do. I was desperate. I needed help to cling to life. I am fighting back. Against the voice that wants me to end it all. End the suffering I am in. I just did a snack. A little fight back against the voices. A little fight back to make up for part of breakfast. Three hundred calories. Chips and cheese dip.The voice of my eating disorder is loud. It is pissed that I have fought back. Fought back for breakfast. I feel disgusting. I feel like I have done something wrong. That is what my eating disorder is telling me. It is telling me that I am weak. That I should have ended my life. That there is still time to do so. That I shouldn't have reached out when I really needed the support. That I was just a bother to my therapist and should not have called. That I should have either ended my life or at the very least waited until my next appointment to talk to her about what is going on. I call bullshit. My next session may have never happened. I'm still battling the urges now. I will take a nap. Then move on with my day. Hopefully in a better place. I had to purge. So I did. I rid myself of those calories. I had to. I could not resist. Would not resist. I am still awake. Wishing to be asleep. Dead from the world if only for a little while.

Lunch 4/28/17

Oh my. Lunch was hard. I challenged myself; pizza. Confession. I grease blotted. Another confession I used rituals to feel safe. I didn't realize it at first. Then I became aware. I didn't stop doing it though. I didn't stop tearing the pizza into tiny bite sized pieces. Oh well. Using my rule here. No self shaming. I had six hundred and sixty calories. Over my meal plan but super close to it. I'm freaking out a little. Far more calories in one meal than my eating disorder wants me to have in a whole day. I want to purge. I need a good cry. But I am trying to be strong. I don't want to let myself purge. I don't really feel like allowing myself to cry. Not over food anyways. I have better things to cry about. My head is a wreck. I feel so unsafe, Too seen. No longer empty and perfect. My day is ruined. But I won't let it be. I may go back to sleep and then start anew. I don't know. Journaling helps. I purge words. I think about the emotions I am feeling. Mainly fear right now. I feel like I am in danger. I know I am not. I'm reaching out to a friend. I want to SH. The urges are high. Why am I so freaked out by going over my meal plan sixty calories? I want it to end. The mess in my head. The breath in my lungs. Living is hard right now. I don't mean to sound so negative. I'm trying to fight it. Fight against the SI that's screaming at me. I know I won't give into it. It is so tempting though. All I have to do is take the pills. My pain will end. But at what great cost? My life. It isn't worth it. It's stupid. I hate it. Make the shouting stop. Make my head clear. Keep writing. Keep breathing. It may hurt but it will hurt less than taking my life. I have to consider other people now. I can't be selfish and end it all. I will not only be taking my life away from myself. I will be taking my life away from the people who love me. The people who want to see me do well and thrive. I must keep going. The breath in my lungs stings. Inhale, exhale. Through the pain. The pain of the words in my head. The spinning, maddening words. The hate in them. They are filled with so much hate. I wish I was proud of lunch. I wish I could truly say that I see it as a victory. I do not. Logically I know I met my needs. I met my meal plan for once. I met it in terms of calories and by components. It feels like defeat. It is a win that I do not deserve. I do not feel like I deserve it anyways. I do not deserve the breath in mu lungs. I am too raw. Too damaged. I only deserve the minimal part of life that is existing. If I even deserve that. I feel like I do not. I know I do. I am human. I make mistakes. Many mistakes. For now I just hope I don't make one colossal mistake. Something I can't take back. yet I feel the darkness in my brain wanting me to reach for the pill bottle. I will resist. Not even allowing myself to take one pill. One pill that I really need right now. My anxiety is too high. I feel like I am being crushed. The problem with taking even the one pill right now is that I will have to open the damn bottle. Then it will be too easy. Too easy to take them all. I will have to suffer through the anxiety for a while.

The rules.

New rules. It's a new game now. A game for recovery. Not a playground for my eating disorder. I'm trying to come up with new rules. Positive rules. It's really hard. I can't think. So I'm brainstorming. I've come up with a few. I will have to keep this blog updated. There will be more rules to come.

  • The golden rule; eat.
  • If I miss a meal, do the next right thing.
  • Do not compensate.
  • No being sorry.
  • Do not shame self.
  • Do the best I can do.
  • FIGHT.
  • Stop looking in the mirror.
  • Use support. Reach out.
  • Don't build walls.
  • No comparisons.
  • No changing clothes. First outfit stays. 

Morning 4/28/17

Why did't I learn my lesson yesterday? I have let anorexia win again. No breakfast. I am ashamed. I'm supposed to be in recovery but I am doing it all wrong. Skipping meals and purging. What the hell am I doing here? Struggling, that's what. Having a really hard time. I have broken the golden rule. The rule my dietitian and I just put in place yesterday. The rule that says I must eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Why is breakfast so hard? I don't know. It's just so easy to skip. I have almost no accountability. I should be able to hold myself accountable by this point. That's what I am telling myself. There is a fire in my brain right now. A battle. A battle between the eating disorder and my rational thoughts. The eating disorder is glad I didn't have breakfast. Slightly proud even. I have gotten the day off to a good start, according to my eating disorder. I can be in the negative. I don't have to eat today. I can keep going. Just fast. My rational my mind is annoyed. Angry that I didn't learn from yesterday's mistake. I know I am supposed to eat breakfast. I know how to eat breakfast. I know how to get up and portion breakfast. So why did I not do it? Today because I gave into the eating disorder. I just let it win. I didn't necessarily fight back. Maybe I should have. Should's are a dangerous thing. They allow to much room for imperfection. I am human. I make mistakes. I fall down. I cave under the pressure my eating disorder puts on me. The pressure to be empty and perfect. For now I am through shoulding myself. It only brings heartache. I skipped breakfast and I must move on. I must do the next right thing. Which will be lunch. I will do it. I need to do it. Above all else, eat. That's the rule. A new kind of rule. One that goes against everything I have ingrained in me. It is a little freeing. It is almost permission. Permission to eat. Hopefully I learn how to use this new rule. It's not like my other rules. My rules all support the eating disorder. It is high time that I have a new rule. Maybe even a new set of rules. We will see. It's time for coffee.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Dinner 4/27/17

Did dinner. Just now finished. Just now freaking out. Vaping my troubles away. Writing my doubts out. Was it too many calories? Am I ok? Am I safe? Yes, I think I am. I think eating was a wise choice. Tuna filet, rice, and veggies. I didn't count calories. It can't be too high. Yet it is high enough nonetheless. I am afraid. Afraid of what the food will do to me. Will my body know how to use it properly or will it store as fat? Oh fuck. What if it is stored and used for fat? I will be doomed. I hope my body knows what to do with it. I was talking to a friend earlier. Right before dinner. She said my thoughts were streaming together nicely. That they were making perfect sense, That it was as if I was blogging out loud. Maybe self consciously I was. I don't know. I want to re-listen to the videos I sent her. I want to share with you all my words. Maybe there was something important in there. She seemed to think so. But first I must vent. I need to exercise. I need to compensate tomorrow. I need to restrict. What I need is the safety of my eating disorder. The false sense of safety. It feels good if only for a moment. Then it will surely lead to desperation. Here is what I got from earlier. The part that mostly makes sense. Quoting my own words here. "I'm feeling kind of lonely and isolated and waiting, Waiting for dinner, Waiting for the calories. Waiting for my mind to be a mess. I don't know. Waiting for everything. My mind is already a mess bur it's like also calm. It's weird. I don't necessarily know how to explain it... Tequila makes everything better  and everything worse. I don't understand. What is life? What is my life coming to? Why is my eating disorder so strong? So many questions. I can't answer them. I am numb but I am awake,,, I'm a destroy but I'm okay... Yet it does. It effects my eating disorder it makes my eating disorder loud. It makes me feel guilty. Guilty for the food I am about to eat. Guilty for the food that I know I need... I don't want to feel anything. I want to be numb. I don't know. I just know that I am here in the present and that I am drunk. And that life is hard. No matter which way you look at it. No matter who you are. Especially is you've gone through the kind of stuff that I've gone through. It's hard for me to say that because I Feel like I could have gone through so much worse. But what I went through was bad enough. Something I wouldn't wish on anyone. I feel like I'm ranting now. My sentences running together..." So this is how I am feeling. How I have been feeling for hours. How I will probably be feeling for hours to come. I hope it ends soon. I have plans to make it all go away. That sounds bad. Worse than I mean it. I do not intend to end my life by any means. Just to get fucked up enough so that it all ends for a while. Until later; keep fighting.

Day drinking 4/27/17

I just went on a walk. The weather is lovely. I dodge other people. Taking the less traveled routes. The routes only locals know. Fuck the tourists. I mean yeah they're great for business but my anxiety can;t handle them. Anyways I am intoxicated. Six shots deep. Tequila. Enough said. I am avoiding doing work for my therapist. That is why I am drinking. It's not a good excuse but I just want to be numb. Drinking makes me happy if only temporarily. It's been a relatively good day despite my thoughts. My eating disorder thoughts. I know they are disordered because they are not logical what so ever. As for now I am vaping. Vaping and writing. This blog probably makes no sense whatsoever. Oh well. It is what it is right now. I can only try to express myself through this written language. I am feeling panicked yet calm, I'm confused. I just had a peanut bar (180) and went for a walk. I'm only just above 4,000 steps for the day, Yes, I have been using a pedometer as well as counting calories. It is stupid and naive. Pointless. Yet I cling to the results in desperation. Hoping that something makes sense. Hoping that something cancels out. But that is my eating disorder speaking. Thinking. Pondering my existence and the means to it. I can only be truthful now. I am drunk and that's what happens. Words are hard yet flow easily out of my fingertips. There is no pause. No lingering between sentences, Life is what it is and I just have to live with that, and so do you. It may suck, It may be excruciating. I know that it does/is for me. Life goes on. I may not necessarily want it to but it does. I think I am glad it does. I am torn. I have so much to live for yet so much misery that makes my life almost unbearable. The thing is most of the misery is in the past. Things I have already survived, No sense in dwelling on them now. I can not help myself.  The thoughts come and go as they please. I am helpless to the thoughts swirling around in my mind. Yet conscious of where they stem from, Today in my dietitian appointment we made a list. Much like a pros and cons list. A list of what the eating disorder says and of what I say. It is sometimes hard for me to tell the difference. With the help of my dietitian breaking it down piece by piece I was able to make a coherent list. A list of logical and illogical thinking. It wasn't easy. It wasn't instant. It took time. Time to think and recollect. Time to determined if the root was from self or the eating disorder itself. In the end the list was almost exactly equal. My thinking clearly screwed. I was surprised how much my eating disorder stands out in my blogs. I try to write from self. Not letting the eating disorder get the best of me. Yet in the end of session only had one more pro than con. I guess that is progress. I know there was a time that there would have been far more cons than pros. So I can only look at this as a recovery win. Right now my eating disorder is screaming at me. It is screaming because of the peanut bar. It is screaming because I didn't walk long enough, fast enough, far enough to burn excessive calories. Instead I just took a stroll. It is screaming because I didn't purge. Didn't work out until I couldn't breathe. Now I've also had the calories from the alcohol. Wasted calories. No nutritional content. Oh well. At least I feel better if only for a moment. Feel better about my decisions today. My decision to fight for recovery. The choice to eat lunch and a snack. The freedom to go on a short walk without being tied up in my head. Simply enjoying the beauty of nature instead of worrying about the calories being burned. I am typing so fast I am sure this makes no sense. It must be illogical and misspelled. I am sorry for the grammatical errors. It is the best I can do at the moment. Honesty is policy. Today in session we came to one conclusion; eat. Eat if I'm counting calories. Eat if I am not. Eat if my eating disorder is throwing a tantrum. Eat because I am human, I need breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Sometimes a snack depending. So I will eat dinner soon Even though my eating disorder is loud now. I plan on having a tuna steak with veggies with either rice or a sweat potato. Playing it "safe: while meeting my component portion of my meal plan, Maybe even the calorie component as well? I would have to do the math. For now I must go. I will drink more. Go further into the darkness that blocks out reality. Closer to the darkness further away from my thoughts. That is the goal. I will write more later given the circumstances that I am coherent enough to type. I hope I am not. My eating disorder hopes I am not. I like writing. It is a release. A purge if you will. It makes me feel better. Stronger even, Until later, stay strong and carry on.

Lunch 4/27/17

Ok. So I did it. I tackled lunch. I counted calories. Five hundred and ten including the orange juice I'm still working on. I had the oj, ramen noodles, and a small salad with no dressing. Got all the components in and nearly the right amount of calories. Like so close I'm definitely counting it as a recovery win. I know the calorie guidelines are loosely structured. My brain doesn't really work like that but whatever. The thing is if I had gone over I would be freaking out but since I nearly missed the mark I'm tolerating it. Don't get me wrong I am slightly freaking out. Staying as calm as I am only because I didn't have breakfast and because I'm talking to a great friend. She understands. She gets it. I feel less alone. She is proud of me for doing lunch. Not judgmental or thinking that I'm disgusting for eating. Which is kind of how I am feeling at the moment. I know my body needed the fuel. I also know that I will be seeing my dietitian at two. It's always good motivation to do the right thing when I know I'm about to see her. Helps hold me accountable. Strangely I don't really feel the extreme need to purge. I was so anxious while I was eating I literally paced around the entire time. Yet now I am struggling but surviving. Almost calm even. There is anxiety. My eating disorder is loud. Not to the extent that I feel like I am going to do something stupid. Something stupid like purging or self-harming because of the calories. Time to get ready for Wilmington. I will write more later.

Morning 4/27/17

Anorexia is already winning today. No breakfast. I have a metaphorical hangover from not counting calories yesterday. My eating disorder is full of rage. It's pissed off at me. I guess not counting calories was a bad idea. Not because my eating disorder is so mad. But because it caused me to skip breakfast. I should have done it but I couldn't. Correction I wouldn't. I am not incapable. Physically I am able to eat. It's the emotional part that's so challenging, My mind is racing. Racing with eating disorder thoughts. Why, I haven't even eaten? Because not eating isn't enough. I should exercise too. Go on a long run. Run myself into the ground. Negative calories. That's what the eating disorder wants. I have a headache. I don't feel like running. It would not be a recovery oriented thing to do at this particular time. So I'm trying to resist. My mind is also racing with recovery thoughts. They are slower and not as loud as the eating disorder ones. Present nonetheless. I'll give them that at least. They make me shameful. I am regretting not eating breakfast. Regretting letting my eating disorder kick my ass. I am stronger than this. I am stronger than it. It's almost time for lunch. I know I should do it. I should fight back. I shouldn't allow myself to be more full of shame after lunch. Or after skipping lunch. Yet I have this strong inclination to skip it. It's the eating disorder. Calling the shots. I will not let it. I know it is wrong. Wrong for me to give into the high temptation to starve myself today, tomorrow, forever who knows how long the feelings will last.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Lunch & Dinner 4/26/17

Lunch was super challenging. Like extremely. I hate myself. It is meal group day. I had a burger and french fries. I didn't count calories. I hate myself for that too. No telling how many fucking calories were i that shit. The burger was good but the french fries were disgusting. Definitely wasted calories. Fuck me. Why eat something you don't enjoy, you know? I had no choice. Well, I had a choice. I could have listened to my eating disorder that was screaming at me to stop eating. Instead I made the harder choice. The wiser one I think. The decision to push myself through the discomfort. Now I'm angry at myself but also proud. It's confusing. Why can't I just makeup my mind and feel one way or the other? Why am I in this fucking limbo between two worlds? My urges were very high before to restrict after to purge. Thankfully I had a therapy session right after that kept me accountable. Thankfully? What am I saying? I wish I had purged. I think? Anyways, lunch is in the past and purging it is no longer an option so it really doesn't matter now.

Just finished eating dinner. Again I refused to count calories. I think that only makes things worse. But now I'm crippled by anxiety because I don't know how many calories I've had today. I really can't decide which is worse, knowing or not knowing. At least with not knowing I can just try and think about components and if I met my meal plan that way. Which I did for lunch and dinner but not breakfast. Oh well. You win some you lose some. Now I'm battling extremely high urges. Urges to purge and SH. I want this day to be over. I thought a busy day would be nice but I'm exhausted and still have plans to follow through with tonight. I want to exercise but I'm too tired. Thank God I worked today at least that's some exercise. Dinner consisted of rice, a chicken pot pie, and a side salad. Not too bad compared to lunch. The pot pie has me a little concerned though. I know it was full of calories. Just like fucking lunch. My eating disorder is SCREAMING at me right now to go purge, stop journaling, stop using skills, and to give into the devil himself pretty much. I don't know how I'm doing right now if I'm honest. I think I'm not okay. Yet here I am still alive and still journaling. Still using skills. Fucking my eating disorder over. Fighting the good fight. The fight everyone tells me it will be worth it. So I hope they are right. I really hope this misery is worth it. I guess I will find out. At least if I get where I want to be I will find out. If it turns out recovery sucks I can always turn right back to my eating disorder. It's not like anyone is taking it away from me. I am giving it up. Or trying to give it up. The thoughts are too much though. Inside my head is chaos. I wish I could just mute it. Time will also tell if the voice becomes fainter. It better. I can't live like this forever.

Breakfast 4/26/17

First things first. Calorie content three hundred and seventy-five. I had a protein shake made with a banana, strawberries, reduced fat milk, one scoop of protein powder, and ice. It was yummy. Usually I add yogurt to my protein shakes but just couldn't bring myself to do it today. I don't have much to write about right now. I'm doing ok with breakfast at the moment. Not pleased with the calories but glad it was something nutritious. Full of vitamins and shit. Fruit is usually pretty safe for me which made the shake easier. Don't get me wrong I still have the usual bullshit floating around in my head. I don't really feel like typing it out. Its basically the same as it was yesterday. The same as it always. I do have high anxiety right now though. I think because of two things: number one, the dentist appointment I'm about to go to and number two, meal group I'm going to go to today (given that my face isn't still numb and that I can make it there on time). I'm super nervous about meal group today. The challenge is a burger with french fries and a caloric beverage. The last time I did a burger it was a jr. burger and I struggled with it. I had some fries but just a few. I sure as hell didn't have a caloric beverage with it. So I'm freaking out a little bit. My eating disorder wants me face to still be numb. I want to be able to go and do the challenge. Yes its going to suck. But it will be a good challenge in a safe environment with people who understand what I'm going through. I wish I had longer to journal but I have to get ready for the dentist now. Peace out cub scouts.

4:25 am

I woke up about thirty minutes ago and I'm wide awake. My mind is racing with eating disorder thoughts. Thoughts about what I ate Monday, what I ate yesterday, and what I will eat today. Thoughts filled with numbers of calories. Destructive thoughts that want nothing more and nothing less than for me to lose weight. My ED doesn't want me to eat today. It wants complete restriction. It wants negative calories. It wants me to get out of bed right now and work out like a mother fucker, I'm trying to resist the urge but its so strong, I'm internally freaking out right now. I don't want to listen to my ED. I just want to sleep. Why am I awake? Why does my mind do this to me? Especially when I have such a busy day ahead. I have a dentist appointment at ten to get four cavities filled. I blame that strictly on purging. I've never had a single cavity in my life. I also found out at my last dentist cleaning that I have erosion on the backs of my teeth. Also blamed on purging. Its good motivation to stop purging. Yet I still keep doing it. The purging is so impulsive and is becoming out of control. I thought I was in control of it but as of Monday I think things have gotten worse. I have meal group at one if I can make on time to Wilmington. Under the circumstances that my mouth isn't still numb. Like I said I've never had a cavity so I don't know what to expect in terms of a time frame for the numbness to go away. After meal group (?) I have a therapy appointment at two. That will last a hour and then I have to fly home to be at work by four. My day will be busy, which is a good thing. Down time is difficult for me. I never know what to do with myself and exercise urges are always high. Not like they are in this moment but there nonetheless. Busy days are good but they are also are a playground of excuses for my eating disorder. My eating disorder loves busy days. It thrives on nonstop being on the go. It makes it too easy not to eat. If I'm busy its not my fault if I don't have time to eat. That's what my eating disorder thinks anyways. As of last Tuesday my brain is filled with more eating disorder than logical, rational, Steph. I want my logic back. The part that helps me fight. I'm afraid this could become a relapse quickly. I don't want that. I want recovery. I think a big problem is that I want recovery my way. Recovery that allows me to keep a piece of my eating disorder in my back pocket ready to explode at any minute. I'm terrified to give it up completely. What will my life be like? What will my identity be? I believe life isn't about finding yourself but about creating yourself. So I guess I can be who I want to be. The problem is I don't know who I want to be. Or what my life will be like without my eating disorder. I can't even picture a life of recovery. I've had m eating disorder for so long, sixteen years, that life without it seems impossible. I still have hope though. I'm still fighting the good fight. I hope you all do too. I've never met someone in recovery who says it isn't worth the fight. I have trouble trusting people but I want to believe them. So I'm stuck. Stuck in my eating disorder. Stuck in a place that is the beginning of recovery but also still living with my eating disorder. I want this phase to be over. I want true recovery. I have the knowledge and skills to get me there. I damn well have the determination. Yet I linger in this limbo between two worlds. What does it take to get out of this state I'm in? When will I be recovered instead of in recovery? How long does it take? What should I expect? I know it is different for everyone and recovery takes time. I'm becoming impatient. Starting to believe my efforts are not enough to get me there. I have to try harder. I have to commit. I have to say goodbye to my eating disorder. I can't keep living with it. It ruins too many things. It takes life away and offers only existence in return. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Hopefully things will change soon.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Dinner 4/25/17

1,640 calories daily total. That's where I'm at right now. Aka freaking the fuck out! I barely missed my meal plan goal. I'm livid. All my hard work today didn't pay off. Hell yeah I'm super close to where I'm supposed to be. But I thought I had this one in the bag. It's just hard knowing I fought like hell today and barely missed my target. All I need is a small snack tonight and I'm there but I just can't do it. I'm calling it quits for the day. I KNOW if I eat anything else I will purge. Hell, I might even purge this. I'm thinking about it but decided to give journaling a chance first. If I still feel like this in twenty/thirty minutes the food is coming out.... For dinner I had a crab cake, brussel sprouts, and a slice of bread (385) with water. It wasn't great if I'm being honest. Usually I love seafood. It's my favorite. It is possible I didn't enjoy it because I ate so fast out of fear. I'm talking like fifteen-twenty minutes fast. The calories I've consumed are spinning in my head. Words are racing. So fast I can barely keep up. An insight to my thoughts looks a little something like this: You fucking worthless piece of shit why did you eat so much today? You had way too many calories. Tomorrow better be better. You will compensate. By restricting and over-exercising. No more days like today. You failed at your task anyways. You might as well give up. You're fat, lazy, and disgusting. Tomorrow you will be a whale. There's no telling how much weight you will gain if you continue to eat like this. You're fat. No one will love you anymore. You're a waste of space. You don't deserve to eat. You don't even deserve to be alive. Save the food for people more deserving than you. Go run. Exercise all night long. You'll never burn enough calories for what you've done... Now back to me. Trying to be rational here but it's extremely difficult at the moment. I'm having trouble finding my logical voice. My "self". Stay calm. Better yet calm down. Keep breathing. Fight the good fight. Fight for recovery. Don't give into your eating disorder. Don't stop journaling. I am safe. I may feel unsafe but there is no danger in what I just did. In fact it is just the opposite. It is life giving. It will allow me to continue my job. I don't want to go back to treatment again. I don't want to be stepped up to IOP. I just want to do this with the help of my team outpatient. I know what I want now its time for me to grab recovery by the hand and walk slowly through the ups and downs taking things as they come in the present.

*Added note* I did end up purging taking my daily total calorie intake down to 1,255. I tried not to purge. I used skills. I journaled. I talked with a friend. I just couldn't keep it down.

100 to 0 real quick

Before I begin my rant I would just like to say that I had a delicious falafel pita (600) for lunch. I did not skip lunch. I did not restrict. I did not purge. I did not exercise. I DID meet my meal plan. Basically, I kicked ass. Boom, drop the mic.

Rant time! So my mood is insanely up and down today. I woke up wanting to do nothing other than restrict all day. By about ten o'clock I was ready to seize the day and do my damn meal plan. Practically met my meal plan for breakfast if you include my morning snack that I did for an add on for breakfast. As I just mentioned above fucking slayed the hell out of lunch. Got my double helix piercing, went shopping, then went to therapy. Up until this point I was in a great mood. I even smiled during session and joked around with my therapist (which is not an uncommon event) for about the first half of session. Don't get me wrong we were getting shit done just in a lighthearted easy kind of way. Then session got really tough. I became uncomfortable. My walls went up. I shut down. I was still cooperative and trying my best its just that the topic of conversation was extremely difficult. Anyways, from that point I was a little bit agitated and upset. Not that it wasn't a good therapy session because it was. The conversation needed to happen. I just wish it didn't need to be worked through. I wish that there was no "it" to begin with. On my drive home the road I normally take was closed which mean't I had to take a detour and that really pissed me off because I wasn't necessarily in a place that I wanted to have to pay attention. Not that I shouldn't be paying attention while I'm driving but I kind of go on autopilot when I'm on such familiar roads. You know what I mean? There was just too much going on in my head after session and having to take a fucking new way home wasn't my prerogative. So I made it home safely in my agitated state. Then what do I decide is a good idea? Using google to lookup how many calories were in lunch from today and dinner from last night. Instinctively I added together all the calories I had yesterday (below my meal plan yet far too high) and how many calories I've eaten today (again below my meal plan but already more than I had yesterday and I haven't even had dinner yet). With being in a bad mood, a bit flooded from session, and calorie counting what do I decide to do? Go purge. Nothing comes out but stomach acid as I haven't eaten since lunch. I don't know why I even felt the urge to purge. That urge usually passes after about two hours of eating. I wasn't trying to purge food. I needed an immediate release. I was purging emotions. Now my mood is terrible. I've broken a streak of no purging for no reason. I mean there was a reason but nothing good can come of it. No calories were released. I'm still higher in calories than I was yesterday and still have to have dinner. Yes, I said HAVE to. Restricting like my eating disorder wants me to do is not an option. Not today. No matter how bad my mood is. I can potentially meet my meal plan goal if I have an adequate dinner. Which I plan on doing for the first time since I have been home from Florida. Florida was an exceptionally good week. Fun wise and food wise. It was vacation. I was semi-normal. Not that there is such a thing as being normal. You get the gist. I'm not sure what I'm having for dinner. Possibly a crab cake and veggies but I'll journal about that later. The point to this rant is it was supposed to be a good day. Yes it started off rocky but I quickly got back on track and in good spirits. Now I'm having a shit time all because of "it" and calories. Fuck "it" and fuck calories. Calories are supposed to distract me. It isn't working. They're making things worse. I should have listened to my dietitian but no I just had to give into my eating disorder once again. This is the price I have to pay for giving into my ED; being in a terrible mood, breaking a purge free streak, and all consumed with fear about dinner. I should be proud of myself. This was mostly a good day. ED wise and just in general. So I WILL do dinner and I will meet my meal plan whether my eating disorder likes it or not. Fuck you anorexia. I do not need you anymore.

Snack 4/25/17

Changing up the mood a little. I had a snack to add more calories to breakfast which was completely inadequate. I know calories are scary, right? Actually they are fuel/energy that our bodies need. Yes I calorie counted and yes I know how many calories I've consumed today. Yes it scares the hell out of my eating disorder. But I on the other hand am proud I did snack. I'm in a slighty better place than I was yesterday. Still calorie counting everything I put into my mouth but more comfortable with it. Terrified to eat more today because of the amount pf calories I've consumed. But guess what? Life goes on and I will too. So what did I have for snack/breakfast make-up? Half a french toast bagel with cream cheese and honey butter. It was amazing. I can't believe I'm writing this. I don't normally acknowledge that food is good. Of course I still had high urges to purge after I ate it. But I resisted. I fought. I added calories and thought about it as I was eating but I ate it anyways. I enjoyed it. It's taste. It's smell. I appreciated what it will do for my body. The fact that it will keep me alive. Today will be a fight against my eating disorder, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying things will be easy just bevaise I'm having a slightly better day than yesterday. It doesn't matter though. It's a fight worth fighting. A fight I think I can win today. I jave amazing support helping me through these challenging times. Chins up butter cups. Today we can all win the battle in our minds. It's all lies. My head is telling me to exercise, NOW, bit I won't. My eating disorder voice is loud and screaming at me for eating the bagel half. It's telling me I'm done eating for the day. But I'm not. I still have lunch and dinner to make it through. I'm trying not to think about that yet though. I'm trying tp stay in the present moment. It's almost lunchtime and of course I do have that to worry about but not quite yet. It will jappen when it does and life will go on. I couldn't be saying any of this if it wasn't for a dear friend of mine whose mame I will not mention. She knows who she is. So thank you for being thete while my mind is playing these nasty obsessive games with me. Keep fighting and stay strong. Don't let your eating disorder dictate your every move, every calorie you consume, everytime you workout, or if you are going to have a good or bad day. I'll leave you with that. 💜

Breakfast 4/25/17

Ugh. Just did breakfast. Three hundred thirty calories. Yogurt, juice, and a some grapefruit. I'm ok with the fruit. That's all I should have had. I'm really trying to be ok with the yogurt. In the grande scheme of things I still restricted. I wasn't going to do breakfast at all but I have an amazing friend who convinced me otherwise. My eating disorder hates her. Here's my dilemma; I'm alone in a bedroom that has a bathroom in it. Will I be able to get through this without purging. I hope so. But my ED is pissed because I have the perfect opportunity to rid myself of what I just ate. Calories and mean words rolling around in my head. Over and over again. Make it stop. Think about something else. Anything. Distract. Breathe. Write it out. To my eating disorder I would like to say thank you for the security you gave me in the past but you are no longer welcome here. Leave. Get the fuck out of my head. I'm trying to do recovery here. It's what I want now. You have to stop playing mind games with me. It's so hard to resist the temptation. All you do is lie and take me to a place I don't want to be. You turn me into a monster like you. Leave me in peace. I want my life back.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Dinner 4/24/17

It's been a hell of a day ed wise. Finally did a full meal at dinner. I want to die. I'm so full. This really sucks. I had a fajita taco salad. Not the shell just the contents. I also had some chips with salsa and two margaritas. Maybe the fluids aren't helping with the fullness. I shouldn't have drank with dinner. I need to purge. I don't have much to say. Other than the fact that I should definitely be purging right now. Or exercising. Better yet both. But I'm not in an environment where those are an option. Instead I'll just hate myself. I'll have to compensate tomorrow. But this was a recovery win so I should be proud. All I feel instead is self-loathing. Wishing to rid myself of everything I just ate and drank. Dinner was a challenge. Especially after the day I've had. I know I should be proud. I really should. But I'm not. My eating disorder is screaming. Hardcore. I want it to stop. I want to be proud of myself. Instead I feel completely overwhelmed, stressed out, upset, and like a failure to my ED. A failure to my ed should be a good thing. Today it isn't. My SI is high. I can't continue to live like this. With this constant mind fuck. A battle in my head. Fighting against my inner demon. Fuck this. Please let it end. Make me okay with eating a meal. The first full meal of the day. The thing is the calories. How many am I at now? I was at 570. Dinner was probably around 600 or so including the drinks. That puts me at 1,170 for the day. Holy shit that's a lot. Way too much. I'm still under my meal plan. That gives me an ounce of peace. But it's not enough. I'm freaking out. I want to leave so I can purge. Only thing is no purging. I don't know how to calm down. I've already taken my anxiety meds before dinner. There's nothing for me to do but suffer with my feelings. I'm with my sister. I have to be "okay". But I'm not okay. I want to scream, cry, and workout. I could workout while she sleeps. That would just be giving into my ED. I don't want that either. I don't know what I want. I want recovery. The problem is this is miserable. I guess not as miserable as being in the depths of an eating disorder. I need my weight to be stable again. So what if I hate the number. It's a fucking number. It was a stable number. Now my weight is all over the place. Up from purging and bloating. Down from the restriction. I just want to be healthy and happy. I also just want my weight to stay down. The battle in my mind continues. I had an easy out for dinner. I should of taken it. I could have lied. I could have just let my sister go to dinner and say that I was going to pickup something myself. All words of the eating disorder. It is very disappointed in me. My lack of self control. Or its lack of control over me. Either way I just want my sister to go to sleep so I can workout all night. Another idea my ED has. I must resist the urges. I have to be strong. I have to do the right thing for recovery. It's just so fucking hard. The madness in my mind is driving me to insanity today. I don't know up from down, left from right, and am confused as to the difference between right and wrong. A small part of me still knows what's right; recovery. Unfortunately, that part is seeming to diminish.

Lunch 4/24/17

Here we go again. Lunchtime. I managed a pack of peanut butter crackers. Two hundred calories. Fuck. The numbers adding up in my head like a wildfire. That's three hundred and fifty so far today. It's still early. Not quite yet noon. Still haven't met my meal plan for even one meal. So basically I've had two snacks today. What the fuck is wrong with me? The calories are too much yet not enough. I know my body needs more fuel than this. I'm going to take a regular ensure to my dietitian appointment. That will add another two hundred and twenty. I hope I can get it down. With her support I should be able to. I don't know what else to do. Again with the calorie counting. It will bring me up five hundred and seventy calories. Almost a full meal. But that's too much for one meal. I don't understand. Why is my head doing this to me? Why can't I just eat and be more normal about food. My head won't stop spinning words. Hateful words. Why does today have to be like this? I want these crackers out of me. Now! But I can't. I told myself no more purging. Don't take anything in I can't keep. Maybe that's what is going on. I've taken purging off the table so I'm freaking out about all the calories. Adding them up to check in my with my eating disorder and hoping it's not too many. It doesn't matter. It's always too many. No purging rule stays. Or else I'm going to get up right now and do it. No! Fight the urges. Breathe. It will be ok. It will be time to leave soon. I need to pull myself together and get ready. I'll give myself a few more minutes journaling. It is helpful and nondestructive. The biggest problem right now is once I hit that 570 mark I know I've gone over what my eating disorder allows me to have in a day. Then what the fuck am I supposed to do about dinner? I have no idea. I'll have to discuss it with my dietitian in session. Maybe she has some helpful ideas. Maybe I can actually manage dinner. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Recovery or ED win?

Just got up and tried to start the day off right with breakfast. The only probably is my ED was in charge of what I had. Five baby carrots with hummus, and about 4 oz. of low calorie chocolate milk with black coffee. It's better than nothing I assume. Much closer to a snack than a meal though. I feel full. There's no way from what I ate. Maybe it's just too early? I would say I would try again in a little bit but that would be a lie. The only way I could "redo" breakfast would be to first purge what I just had. I don't want to purge today. I just want to keep on going. Maybe lunch will be better? I think the problem right now is I just feel so unsafe. Putting anything in my body makes me feel unsafe. Too seen. In truth it doesn't feel like  a win either way. I feel like a failure. To my ED because I should have just stuck with the coffee. To recovery I should have had an adequate meal. What  is wrong with me? Why can't I get this right? I'm counting calories and I get stuck with the damn chocolate milk. I'll have to go back and check the carton. Then divide whatever it says by two. 8 oz. is typically the serving size. Sure, I know how many calories were in the hummus but I didn't measure it. I don't think I had two tablespoons. So probably less than one serving there too. The carrots I can live with. Even my eating disorder can tolerate I think. The point is not to please my eating disorder. Not today at least. So the question becomes how can I  turn this day around and make it more recovery oriented? I have already planned what I am going to have for lunch. A regular ensure on my way out the door. I won't have time for a proper lunch unless I do lunch early. I need to check my schedule for the day. My eating disorder wants the chocolate milk gone. Purging however doesn't work that way. My recovery side wants me to have a piece of fruit to go with breakfast but I just can't find the strength this morning to fight the battle in my head. Damned if I do damned if I don't. Please let the calorie counting stop twirling around in my mind. Please let this be a good day for recovery that has gotten off on a wrong start. I can do this. I know I can. I've done it before. But that was before I found out my weight. Yes, I know I know it's only a number but boy oh boy did it mind fuck me. So can I do it now? Now that I know? Time will tell.