Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Challenges and positivity

Okay, last journal entry for the day. I promise. I've been talking to Erin and she challenged me to come up with some ideas about what we are going to do while she is here. The idea of restaurants came up. I am trying to think of the best places to take her while she is here. So I asked her what kind of food she likes. Not what her eating disorder likes. Even if it is really challenging because I think together we can make it through anything. I have come up with a list of restaurants we might go to including one that serves the best pizza in town. Also, one that has the best burgers. Yes, I said pizza and burgers. I'm up for the challenge. She's up for the challenge. She said she doesn't want her eating disorder to dictate what she eats while she is here. So I am going to do my best to make sure that doesn't happen. We push and encourage each other everyday though we are states away. Being in person together I believe we will be unstoppable. I am so excited for her to come. I am so excited and nervous if I'm being completely honest to do these challenges with her. It's crazy how a glass of wine and a good conversation with a supportive friend can change my outlook on life. Where I am going next. What my journey will look like in a few weeks. I hope all you beautiful souls are well.

Post-dinner rant

Ugh. What the fuck. I thought he wasn't allowed here anymore. Did he just show up? Was he invited? My urges are even worse now. Even though I had no interaction with him. I'm pissed that he was here. I will not purge. I will not let him win. I am no longer a victim. I am now a survivor. I am now in recovery. Or at least trying to be in recovery. I just know don't know where I am right now. Somewhere in the middle maybe? I am on a journey. That's where I am. That's just how it goes. The feeling of being unsafe right now is intense. I do not feel safe at all. I feel like I want to disappear. I am only human. I cannot just disappear. The closest thing to being invisible is death. That is not what I want. I want life. I want recovery. I want to be recovered. I want more than anything to put the past in the past. It's just so damn difficult. Nothing is resolved. I am not healed. I need to keep working hard in therapy. I need to do this. I can do this. I will do this. I am not very hopeful at the moment but I know that sense of hope will come back. Maybe after sessions tomorrow? I don't know. I don't know much of anything right now. Sigh.

Dinner 5/31/17

Okay. I did it. It's over. I didn't restrict like I wanted to. Like my eating disorder wanted me to. I am uncomfortably full. This almost always happens when I have a drink with dinner. That's why I can't do fluids. They are just too filling. Anyways, I had pasta with sun dried tomato alfredo sauce, bread, and a small side salad. Pasta is really difficult for me. Definitely a fear food. On the positive side of things the pasta sauce was amazing. That is hard for me to admit. I am so used to just eating and not even tasting my food when I do. I am trying to work on that. I think being able to find at least one positive in each meal will help me change my way of thinking. Hopefully anyways. My urges are so high I don't feel like I have a choice but to act on them. It's gross outside so I can't go for a walk like the plan says to do. So I am writing away instead. I'm trying to be positive. I really am. That just isn't where my mind is right now. All I can do is try to calculate the amount of calories I just consumed. Worry about if it's going to make me gain weight and sit in fear and isolation. I simply can't be around people right now. My anxiety is too high even though dinner is now over. So in a minute or two or whenever I finish journaling I am going to call Erin. See if she can talk some sense into me. Sigh. I am trying to think about my meal as components and energy. It isn't really helping. I want it out. I want it undone. I want to feel empty. My soul feels empty. I just hate the feeling of fullness so much and all the emotions that come with being full. I just want to feel safe. I want to feel like what I just did was a good thing. It feels wrong though. It feels dirty. I feel guilty and ashamed. Guilty for eating and ashamed for having needs. I don't feel comfortable staying downstairs right now after the comment my mom made the other day. I know she didn't mean it in a hurtful way but that shit hurt. I just can't even seem to get all the words out that I need to say. I want the emotions to fade away. I want to get fucked up. On something. Anything. It is not allowed though. Or rather it is frowned upon. It is not a healthy coping skills and I know that. I am aware. Yet I still feel strong urges to do it.  I am going to talk to Erin now. Later.

Pre-dinner rant 5/31/17

So this is a little abnormal for me. I already have the purge to urge and I haven;t even had dinner yet. What's the point in that? Maybe too many emotions? I don't want to do dinner. I know I need to but I am afraid it will end badly. I know I really should but I just don't want to. I will do it. I'm just venting. I am hoping it turns out fine. I just feel like this is a read flag. To go into a challenging dinner already having high urges to purge. I'm going to have to really commit to sticking to the plan. The plan does not involve purging. Ah! I know what it is. I had a really difficult conversation with my sister last night that I can't get off my mind. The conversation was trauma related and was very hard for both of us. She cried. I felt bad that she cried. I have to accept that I am not responsible for other peoples emotions. It's just that if I hadn't brought it up she would have had no reason to cry. I feel guilty. A feeling directly related to my trauma. No wonder I want to purge. She also brought up the conversation again today. Which was hard. I thought it was over. I think it is now.  Anyways, as much as I don't want to I am going to have to stay around people after dinner. That is the only option right now. Until later carry on.

Lunch 5/31/17

Okay so meal group today was super challenging. Not only did I get something difficult and not look up the calories, then it wasn't even good. What a let down. I was excited too. The important thing is that I did what I was supposed to do. The sweet tea was also a challenge. It was really good though. I don't remember the last time I had sweet iced tea with sugar. At least I enjoyed something at lunch. It's now almost five o'clock and I am still full. It must be a mind game. How can I still be so full from four hours ago? It's probably just an illusion. A reason to restrict at dinner. Fucking eating disorder. I did have a nice time at meal group though. We had a nice conversation and it got me out of the house. I also rode my new bike today. Twice! Not really much else to say.

anxiety 5/31/17

I am extremely anxious this morning. No doubt a result of the fast approaching meal group. I am stressing out right now. I am so tempted to look up the caloric and nutritional information on what I am getting. Part of the challenge is to not do that. I am supposed to just get something that sounds good. Although I must admit the non-eating disorder part of me is kind of excited. Thai Peppers is probably my favorite restaurant. I will not be getting my typical safe curry. I mean I do love curry and that does sound good but it isn't as challenging as the noodle dish I am getting. I can't decide what kind of protein to get with it though. I am tying to decide which sounds better, chicken or tofu. I'm leaning towards tofu because I don't normally eat that. I just had chicken for dinner last night anyways. Writing is calming my anxiety a little bit. Thinking of the positive of this challenge is actually helpful. It reminds me of something that happened yesterday. It's kind of related but on the same level. My sister got a cute new dress from American Eagle and I asked her what size it was wondering if it would fit me too. She replied, "I have no idea. I didn't even look." That's insane to me. How do you not look at the size?! I guess I am way to obsessed with numbers. Actually I know I am. So I asked her how she knew it fit. She said she tried it on. Of course, that makes sense. I wonder what it's like to be that normal. To not be so obsessed with numbers. I can't wait to get to that place. To be able to go to eat and just decide what sounds good, to try on clothes and not even bother to check the size, to just be "normal". Maybe today is one step in the right direction.

breakfast 5/31/17

Breakfast was difficult today. My restriction urge was high. So I had a smaller portion than I should have. I did breakfast though. On a day that I have meal  group. It's progress. I am proud of myself for getting out of bed and eating. I am still very tired. I slept five hours. Which just seems so inefficient. For breakfast I had a few nuts and a small bowl of cheese grits. Three components. Or part of components. The cheese grits were very good. Though it was in and out because it was hard for me to focus on the taste. That happens when I am just eating because I am supposed to. I am working on tasting my food and eating things that I enjoy. I am rediscovering what I do and do not like since I have had my eating disorder for so long. Sometimes I am unsure of what to have because I don't even know if I like it or not. Other times I am just indecisive. I am proud of myself for choosing something I like to eat. I enjoy cheese grits. I also had a latte with breakfast. Got to have my caffeine. It was really good. Definitely the best part of breakfast. I will without a doubt have a second cup of coffee. This time it will be black though. I usually drink my coffee black but that latte sure was good. The challenge for today's meal group is to go to a restaurant and pick out something that we enjoy, but don't allow ourselves to have, and not look up the caloric information on it. It's going to be a really hard challenge for me. I know where I'm going to get my food and what I am going to get. It is something I haven't had in years. I am a little bit excited but mostly nervous. I just got some morning cuddles from my nephews. I'll leave you with that.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Dinner 5/30/17

As I already shared in my post earlier I cooked dinner tonight. I have high urges but that is not what I am going to post about. Terri gave me a challenge to journal in the perspective of the glass being half full so that is what I am going to try to do. It feels weird. Thinking of something positive to put down. I don't really have a positive relationship with food. I'm having to actually think about it. I'm so used to words just coming to me as I go. Okay, so... I cooked mashed potatoes, asparagus, broccoli, and chicken wings. I did not restrict. I had a "normal" portion I believe. I'm a little shaky on portioning since my most recent relapse for some reason. I got a lot of positive feedback about dinner. Except I burnt the asparagus. My bad. Anyways, I really enjoyed the mashed potatoes. They were really good. The chicken wings were okay I guess. Not as spicy as I like them but it's whatever. Then I always love my veggies. Now my sisters are going to the ice cream shop and want to know if I want anything. I declined their offer. I simply cannot do it right now. I think I have met my meal plan today.  Breakfast was a little bit restrictive but I think lunch may have counter acted that. If that's even how it works? As I was cooking the asparagus my dad came and poured some wine in it. It tasted bad. I usually love asparagus. Oh well. I burnt it anyways. I can't think of anything else to say really. I'm at a loss for words.

Again

Sorry for blowing up my blog fed today. I just seem to have a lot of updates. So I volunteered to cook dinner tonight AND decided what to cook myself. That may not seem like a big deal, but it is. Deciding on food for myself is difficult not to mention when I'm deciding for my whole family. Especially since I got some negative feedback last time I cooked. I have been wanting some buffalo wings but have been too scared to eat them. Tonight I am going to conquer that fear and eat something that sounds good. Along with the wings I am making homemade mashed potatoes and steamed veggies. I also will be making tofu for Tori. I have already prepped the potatoes by peeling, washing, and cutting them. That alone took about thirty minutes. It was a useful way to distract myself from purging after lunch. After I journaled obviously. Right now I am waiting in the lobby at Chrysalis. I am seeing Kelly first then Terri. I have a lot to talk about with both of them. I'm such a ding bat I forgot to bring my trauma workbook with me. I have two chapters in it to share with Kelly. Luckily I have at least two agendas I can share with Kelly today on my phone. The rest will have to wait for Thursday. As long as I don't cancel my Thursday appointments. What my mom said is really bothering me. I am going to talk to Terri about missing meal group tomorrow so I don't have to make the extra trip up to Wilmington. We will see how that goes. I will update again after dinner. It is almost time for my session. Oh, and my mom probably isn't even going to eat dinner. She said she's too "exhausted and stressed". I'm always exhausted and stressed. The difference is I have to do dinner. She doesn't. Not fair. I sound like a child but it really isn't. It is very triggering for her to not do dinner. Skipping meals intentionally around me is dangerous territory. I gotta run.

Lunch 5/30/17

I went to Eric's Grille for lunch. I got a cheeseburger and split some french fries with my sister. It was very challenging. Eating out ii hard. Especially when I don't know how many calories are in the food. I don't think I even want to know today though. I am afraid it was over my meal plan. I am trying to think about the food as components and not a "bad" or "unsafe: food. It is nearly impossible for me to do. I can do it logically but emotionally I don't believe it. I don't care that carbs are good for my brain. It freaks me out. I don't care that I need fats. I don't want them. I don't want this food in my belly. I want to be empty. I want to be pure. I want to be perfect. Actually, my eating disorder wants those things not me. I am extremely annoyed right now. Not only is my purge urge high my mom said something to me about all my appointments. She said I need to start showing my team I can use my skills without being "babysat" all the time. I am trying to use my fucking skills. It's not my fault that I have to follow a contract and the new plan. It has been put in place to make sure I am eating and not purging. It's not like I'm not working my ass off. I am using skills. I am showing my team that I can do this OP. I guess my mom just doesn't understand right now. She doesn't get what I am going through. Or why I am having such a difficult time in my recovery process. I don't blame her. I barely know why I'm having so much trouble right now. It all comes down to the feelings of shame and being unsafe in my body. That's all I comprehend about the matter. I don't really know what I need support wise. I just know what I don't need and I don't need to be policed or "babysat". I'm fucking fed up with it. I can do this, I know I can. I've been through way worse shit than eating in my life. I think it has damaged me but also made me stronger. I am not glad about my past in any way. I wish things were different. I wish my past were different. It isn't though. There is no since in dwelling on what could have been. It just isn't reality. So I am working with what I have. trying to use my life experience to make me stronger and not weaker. It is difficult. I am having a hard time with my meal plan. I am doing it though. I am being as consistent as I can. I am following the golden rule to the best of my ability. I simply can't do any better than I can do. I am in recovery. I want to be recovered. I am waiting for the day that I can officially say that I am recovered. That will be in the future. Hopefully the near future. It is not now though. Now things are still really hard. I have hope though. Hope that as I continue being consistent that the voice will become more quiet. More of a background noise than a blasting radio that I can't hear anything else over. I want that for you too. Be strong and carry on. I know I will.

Morning update 5/30/17

Just a quick update. I made it through my urges this morning by using delaying tactic. I also just got in touch with Sydney. New update on lunch. I will not be going to Chrysalis for lunch. I reuse that part of the plan today. Instead I called my mom at work to see if I could do lunch with her. She said yes. I do not know what we are going to do for lunch. We might go to Eric's  Grille. I am unsure. I am a little bit nervous. I don't like not knowing what I am going to be having for lunch. I am waiting for my mom to text me and let me know. It has only been a few minutes since I talked to her but the wait is killing me. It is 9:35 and we are doing  lunch at 11:00. So I will not know in much advance what I will be having for lunch. Sigh, It will be okay though. Today is just a little tougher than I want it to be. That doesn't mean I wont fight like hell. Because I definitely will. I am sick of listening to my eating disorder. This is not a day for that. I want recovery. I want to follow through with the whole plan today. If that means eating lunch with my mom and dinner with my family that is what I am going to do. Boom. Drop the mic and walk away.

Breakfast 5/30/17

Seven a.m. My alarm goes off. Why? Oh right. It's time for breakfast. I quickly text ,y dad to see if he will do breakfast with me. He says yes. I go down stairs. Breathe. Okay, what should I have? I can't decide. There are too many options and they are all scary this morning. What's dad going to have?Toast with peanut butter. I can do that too. I put three slices of bread in the toaster oven. Two for me, one for him. The oven beeps. It's time to eat. I'm drinking my coffee/ I'm exhausted. I go grab the toast and put some peanut butter on it. Then I cut up a banana and put that on the peanut butter toast. The toast is raisin cinnamon. Breakfast is good but challenging. I don't know why. The toast is only 80 calories per slice. I think it's the peanut butter that got me. I have high urges to purge. The voice in my head screaming loudly to ge rid of the food I just consumed. I don't know what to do. Erin is surely still asleep. She's a hour behind me. Fuck. Maybe Sydney is awake/and not busy? I'm going to check really fast. Okay. now I have to wait for a reply. The thoughts won't stop It's like a NASCAR race of streaming thoughts in  my mind. I won't it to stop. I want them to slow down. At least then I could catch them. Try to re-frame them.  Right now I'm just writing and vaping my life away.Ugh. Why hasn't Sydney answered me? She must be asleep. Or at work. Focus on my breath. Chill the fuck out. It was only breakfast/ Fuel for my body. I needed it.nothing bad is going to happen to me because I ate. I feel disgusting. I feel ashamed. I feel dirty. I want the feelings to go away along with the thoughts.. I haven't learned how to make that happen yet. Is there even away to do that? I don't know. I have sessions with my team today. I am going to have a lot to talk to Kelly about. I hope she isn't disappointed in me. It seems I did a lot of dumb things while she was on vacation for a week, It will be okay though. I didn't do anything detrimental. I think. I hope. The adderall was stupid. The pot was stupid. Drinking was stupid. Purging was stupid. I feel like a failure. She was only out one week! What the hell is wrong with me/. I don't know if my actions had anything to do with her being out or not. I don't think so. I think a lot just happened this last week. In all honesty I'm a little nervous about my session with her today. afraid to share the work I did in my workbook. This isn't like me. I was okay with the previous chapters. They were easier, safer. These last ones I did were much harder. They brought up a lot of shit for me. Oh no. Fuck me. I have to do lunch at Chrysalis today. I don't want to. This sucks, What am I going to take? I followed through with "the plan" for breakfast by doing breakfast with my dad. Now I have to follow through with it for lunch as well. I can't just do part of the plan and not stick to the rest. I think I will take my leftovers from last night. It was good at least. Something I enjoy. One of my favorite foods actually. Yes, I have favorite foods. Even though I'm disordered as fuck that doesn't mean I don't like food. It's eggplant parmesan with pasta. I can do it.I did it last night. I survived. Why does it seem so impossible today? What is going on? It really sucks that I have to do lunch alone. I hope I don't fuck up the plan..I will follow through. I will do lunch. I will preserve. I will refrain from acting on my urges right now. I think I will go watch Dimension 404 and distract myself for a while. Or maybe I will simply go back to sleep. Oh, or I could clean. I also have laundry in the dryer. I'm probably going to go fold that first. I don't want my clothes to get wrinkled. Best wishes for you all.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Lunch & dinner 5/29/17

As a general rule I try to blog after every meal. I have been on the go all day though. I did lunch with my sister, Pam. We had sushi. I had two rolls as that is what my meal plan calls for I believe. I think I am supposed to have a little something to go with it but I just did water today. Lunch was a little late today as I was out. I almost didn't even say anything about lunch as I really didn't want to do it. My eating disorder was pissed that I brought it up. I had intended to wait for my sister to mention lunch but instead I used my skills and voiced my needs. I asked her, around two o'clock, if she had already eaten lunch. Luckily for me she hadn't. So we went and grabbed the sushi at Nikki's. Urges were not very bad after lunch. After lunch we went back to her house and had a couple of mimosas while we planted her new tree and some flower bushes. I think I had the relief I needed after purging breakfast as bad as that sounds. I know that is a terrible and a very eating disordered thing to say. It's my sister's, Laney's, birthday. We went out to dinner to celebrate. We went to Bella Cucina and I swear I ate a ton. I think the real issue is that I was dehydrated and drank a ton which made me feel overly full. My urges are through the roof. I want badly to purge. I want to die right now. I'm talking to Erin right now for encouragement. I don't think I can make it through these urges. Trying to distract myself here. Both of my little sisters, Tori and Sam, Work at Bella's. Tori waited on us and Sam ran our food. They are so cute being all professional and what not. Okay, so the urges are really bad now. I am having an extremely difficult time. I do not want to cherry coat anything. I think right now I have to use all the external motivation I can to keep myself from purging. Knowing that I see my team tomorrow is one factor that is keeping me firmly planted on my bed. I just can't do it for myself right now. I simply do not feel like I deserve it. I'm in a rather bad head space today. No doubt the effects of coming down off a three day high from adderall which put me in a rather "fake" good mood. Now everything is balancing back out. Or trying to at least. I feel down. Not quite normal. Not super depressed either. Somewhere in between. All days can't be roses and daffodils unfortunately. While I do still struggle on the daily it isn't always this hard. Some days I can fight through the urges for myself. Not now though. I am feeling overwhelmed and can't quite pinpoint from what. I think it still has to do with the trauma work I did last night. For now I think I will listen to some music, probably Lord Huron, and talk to Erin. What I really want to do is get fucked up in all honesty. I just want to get high or drink Instead I will stick with the plan, hopefully. Time will tell. Peace my lovelies. I hope you are all doing better than I am right now. <3

morning update 5/29/17

I tried to distract. I tried to clean. The emotions were just too much. I purged. Left to my own devices I will self-destruct. I could have reached out. I knew in my soul that it was going to happen though. I didn't want to be a bother to anyone. I feel slightly better. Yet also worse. How is that humanly possible? The eating disorder feels better. The emotions are slightly less intense now. I, self, feel worse. I's a mind game. A bunch of bullshit. I don't have time for a roller coaster today. I want things to go smoothly. I want things to be perfect. They aren't though. They are far from perfect. I have broken my no purging streak. For what? A little immediate relief. Is it worth it? Yes and no. Again, how can it be both? It's so confusing. I am trying to hold onto logic. Knowing that what I just did was wrong. I can't help but to find a little piece of  goodness in what I just did. My eating disorder  giving me a pat on the back. Promising that everything will be okay. It is a lie though. Following my eating disorder's wishes does not make everything okay. It makes me numb. Though I am not enveloped enough in my eating disorder to be completely numb. The feeling of relief only lasts momentarily. I know I have just screwed up. I am trying to allow myself grace. Trying to think about the progress I have made over the last month. Hell, even the progress I have made in the last two weeks. There is something to be said for that at least. Even if I am to ashamed of what I have just done to admit it at this moment.

breakfast 5/29/17

Started the day off "right" with breakfast including coffee, of course. I'm so tired. I'm so full. I want so badly to be empty. The feelings of shame, guilt, and being dirty are high today. Do doubt feelings left over from last night's trauma exercise. That must be why my urge to purge is so high. I had granola with yogurt for breakfast. Nothing to unsafe. Nothing that should warrant me feeling the way I feel right now. Nonetheless I can't help but to feel the way I do. I can only acknowledge my emotions and try to move on. I will keep busy again today. All the while my eating disorder will probably be yelling at me. Telling me that I did not deserve breakfast, that I do not deserve to eat, that I should compensate, that I am disgusting etc. I will do my best to ignore it. The voice of my eating disorder that is. Knowing that it is all lies. I am a person and all people regardless of what they have done or what they will do deserve the human need of food. Why should the standard be different for me? It shouldn't be. I am trying to convince myself of that as I write. I may be special to people around me but that does not mean I am an exception to the rule. I am human therefore I deserve the simple human need to eat. I can't help but feel that I do not deserve it though. That my past  somehow makes me undeserving. It's a rough day already. It is only morning and I can already tell this day is going to drag on for what will probably seem like forever. Emotions and feelings are high now. I want to avoid them. I want to purge to numb myself. Instead I am using m coping skills. I am writing it all out. Laying it all on the line. Being vulnerable for the world to see. That is not the reason I write though. The reason I write is to try to bring myself a little peace of mind. I try not to obsess about the calories I just consumed. Or the fact that I so badly want to rid myself of each and every one of them. Instead I am focusing on what is behind that need. That drive. It is feelings today. It is a deep rooted pain. I know this. yet my thoughts keep flowing quickly back to the food. Making it seem at though it is the enemy. When in reality I intellectually know the food is not the enemy. My perpetrators are. They are the ones that keep me locked in these feelings. It is up to me to change that now though. Me and Kelly. We will figure something out. Through the hard work I have ahead of me. More emotions are bound to come and then eventually go. Will it be worth it? The time in between the coming and going? I can only hope so.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Dinner 5/28/17

Just finished dinner. It was super challenging. My eating disorder is so loud. I am full. I hate feeling full. I equate that with being unsafe. The emotions I am feeling are shame, fear, and guilt. Much like the emotions related to my trauma. I believe I have blogged that before. Only now they are just feelings. I know logically there is nothing to fear. Eating disorders, however, are not logical. They are completely illogical. I want to purge immediately but I refuse to let the eating disorder drag me back down. I talked to Kirsten for a while today. It turns out that relate a lot with the correlation of feelings and food. It is nice to have someone that understands what I mean by that. I haven't done much today. Just laundry and cleaning. Oh, and also helping my sister with her lab experiments. The ED voice is too loud right now. I am scared I will act on an urge. I did not have "safe" foods for dinner making me feel like I am in that much more danger. Silly as that sounds. When will I get past the point of having "safe" foods? When will I just start viewing food as a necessary part of my daily life? Some days are rougher than others. I know that. I just don't see what could have really triggered these high urges. Other than the motions I have been pushing down. All the things I have been avoiding. That must be just it. Avoiding emotions does no good. They come back to bite me in the ass. I expected dinner to be hard when I saw what it was. Nonetheless I conquered it. I ate all my food. A full portion. It was hard. I cannot stress that enough. Good things often do not come easily. Recovery takes work each and everyday. After my latest relapse it feels weird to say that I am in recovery once again. I am making it. There is hope after all. There is hope for me and there is hope for you. Just keep pushing through. If you do act on a behavior think of what the root cause was. For me it is often my emotions. That is why I purge through words. Same thing different concept. Same release new coping skill. It can never be as good as the old coping skill though. It doesn't compare. It will take time. You would think with as much as I write that I've had enough practice with it. Good skills take time to adjust to. I am just going to keep typing for as long as I can. This will probably turn into a ramble at any point if it hasn't already. I never made it on my bike ride. I've been busy. Busy avoiding my emotions. Busy trying not to think about trauma work. Just busy catching up on some chores that I needed/need to do. I just need to finish them now. I didn't make it to church this morning. That sucks. I was looking forward to it. That's what happens when your up late as fuck and then turn of your alarm and sleep in late. Okay, I think I will go and talk to Erin now. Keep strong warriors.

Lunch 5/28/17

Good afternoon. I missed breakfast today. Not because my eating disorder is out of control or yelling at me but because I simply slept in. Sounds kind of normal to me but I don't want to make any excuses for my eating disorder. I should have gotten up when my alarm went off. At any rate I didn't. I just did lunch. I had pasta with veggies. As I began eating I thought it was really weird I wasn't having eating disorder thoughts. Then they came in fast, strong, and powerful. Full force. Blindsiding me. I thought it was going to be a good day. One of those days that are far and few between when I can eat like I "normal" person and not resent every bite. I guess unfortunately that it will not be one of those days. It will be a day filled with eating disorder thoughts that try to bring me to my knees. It is still early though. Maybe things will turn around. Maybe I can stay busy enough to not act on the high urges I am having right now. Okay, so I  do not recommend staying overly busy to keep the eating disorder at bay, usually, Today seems like an exception to the rule. I don't want to listen to the voice pounding in my skull. I am glad I have stuff to keep me busy today. If I have time I will go on a bike ride later. I still haven't used my brand new bike. I have been neglecting it. Today I need it though for self-care. I hope you all have lovely days.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

5/27/17 dinner

I finished dinner. I literally had to force myself to eat tonight. I have been doing so well today but tonight was quite a battle. Eating is sometimes like being asked to walk across a pile of broken glass barefoot. It is painful. It makes me miserable. It makes me want to die. I want to purge. I want to exercise. I want to cry. I want to scream. Instead I am writing. My outlet for the night. My eating disorder is completely and totally disgusted with me. I shouldn't care. I should just move on. I do care. It's like turning my back on a long time friend. A friend I once needed so desperately. Now that I am older and things have changed I am just not quite sure how to finally cut the last strings. Most of them have been cut already. The ones that are left are as strong as titanium. Simply being consistent or using skills won't do. I need something more. More time to heal. More time to figure out how to let go. I want to let go. I do. It is just really hard. Especially when my mind plays tricks on me. I ate an adequate portion, perhaps less, for dinner. My head is telling me I had way too much. My eating disorder is mad yet again today. Mad that I ate another fear food. I ate pasta with bread. Carbs, carbs, carbs. The rational voice is proud. The rational voice knows I met my needs. It knows I have had a wide variety of food groups today. I won't let my demons win. I will keep dinner. I will keep fighting. No matter how hard it is right now. No matter how much I just want to call it quits. Keep fighting. Keep breathing. Recovery is worth it. A reminder to us all.

snack 5/27/17

I just did a snack. I had some, two small scoops, of cookie dough ice cream on a waffle cone. Since snack is not "technically" required at this point my eating disorder is throwing more than a tantrum. It wants me to purge now. It wants me to purge until stomach acid comes up. Again, like earlier I do not feel uncomfortably full. Nor do I feel empty. I have long equated the feeling of emptiness with the state of danger. This has been some what of a rule over the last 16 years. Be empty and you are safe. It is a lie. In truth no one is ever really safe. Anything can happen to anyone at anytime. Size, shape, or age do not make you safe. I have learned that the hard way. Right now my eating disorder is yelling at me telling me not only did I eat something that wasn't necessary, I have also eaten an unsafe food. I must restrict dinner since I had said snack. That I must rid myself of at all costs. I am sick of it. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Today I choose recovery. Today I choose life. Not existing. Not being miserable. Not being "perfect" and "thin". Being a fucking human being. That is what I want. I know how to get there. Now all I have to do is execute the steps to get from point A to point B.

bad body image 5/27/17

I am wearing a crop top with leggings. I can't help but look at myself every time I pass a mirror. I do not like what I see. My eating disorder hates what it sees. I am still struggling to get back to my set point after my most recent relapse. A part of me can't wait to get there. The part of me that is self. My eating disorder part on the other hand just wants to lose weight. It wants me to lose all the weight I have gained over the years and then some. Then some more and some more etc. Until there is nothing left but skin and bones. I, self, will not let that happen. I am strong. I will preserve. I will continue fighting no matter how hard it is. I have heard over and over again that bad body image is the last to go. I am holding onto hope that what I have heard is the truth. I do not know because I have never been happy with my body. No matter how thin I have gotten there has always been too much of me. To my eating disorder there will always be too much of me until death by starvation. Many sessions ago Kelly shared with me something inspiring. Something that I still cling to. She told me about one of her former clients and her body image. She, the former client, said that going through her eating disorder and then recovering gave her better body image than most woman have. That she appreciated her body because of what she had gone through. I hope that will be the truth for me. I hope I am able to not only accept my body but to learn to love it. I hope that my body image will become so good that it out shines those around me. I want to be a light. A strong, independent woman who has self confidence and in more than comfortable in her own skin. It may be tough today but that doesn't mean it will always be so hard. I am trying to focus on the positives. They keep me going. I wish that you could all start looking for the positives as well instead of dwelling on the negatives of what a rough day may have to offer.

Lunch 5/27/17

Okay so I just did lunch with my sister. I did what I had planned on doing for lunch since last night. That was very helpful and caused less anxiety around deciding what to eat. I restricted by a little over one hundred calories. Nonetheless I did lunch. I had a pad thai frozen Amy's tv dinner with a low calorie gatorade. To be honest I am still working on the gatorade. I do not feel overly  full which is nice. Yet I do not feel empty which scares me. My urge to restrict later and my urge to purge are high. I want to compensate in any way possible. I will not though. I will be strong. I stuck with the plan and did lunch with my sister instead of alone. After I am finished writing I am going to help my sister finish conducting her science lab for her online class. Then I will be a busy bee the rest of the day. I am trying to fill my time to distract myself from the thoughts in my head. I do not want to listen to them. They are yelling at me words filled with lies. I am trying not to think about the fact that I have strung together a couple of days of recovery oriented living. This is a good thing but thinking about it makes me nervous. It makes me feel like I will slip up at any moment. I am trying my hardest to string together not just a couple of good days but a couple of good weeks, good months, and good years. I know recovery is not perfect. Just as my lunch was not perfect. I am following the golden rule. I am being consistent. I am fighting my demons like hell. I am doing the work. The fucking hard and grueling work. Both by trying to follow my meal plan and by doing assignments for Kelly. I am working on the eating disorder and my past simultaneously. I am going to stop writing now. At least this. I think I will work on my project for a while. Take care my lovelies.

Breakfast 5/27/17

I just finished breakfast. I really didn't want to do it. I had no intention of doing it to be honest. I knew I needed support this morning. So I called my dad to see if he would do breakfast with me. He was out on a run but said he was already on his way back and that he would be home in about ten minutes. Like clockwork he came through the door ten minutes later. I started making my breakfast. He started making his. Mine finished first so I began eating in his presence. I had a handful of mixed nuts, two packs of oatmeal, and a variety of fruit with yogurt dipping sauce. Typing all that out makes it seem like a lot of food. Eating it seemed like a lot of food. My fullness cue makes me think it was too much. I know in reality it was an adequate breakfast. It met my meal plan for a change. Right now my purge urges are very high. I want the food out. I want to be empty again. Instead of purging I am purging through words. Expressing my feelings  and thoughts. I feel annoyed, scared, and a little hopeless. My thoughts are a little something like this, why did you do breakfast? You should have skipped it, it would have been easy, you didn't have anyone to hold you accountable, you are disgusting for eating, you need to exercise, you must purge now... In a little bit I am going to go for a bike ride. I want to wait for the exercise urges to die down before I go so I can enjoy it. Then I am going to tidy up my bedroom a bit and do some laundry. After that I am planning on assembling my bed frame. That's good motivation to actually be productive today. I have no plans for this evening so that is difficult for me. I need a plan of something to do. After I am finished with all the things I have already listed I think I will do some self-care. I may read for a little while. Then I will work on my project. I will possibly hangout with my sisters as well. It depends on my mood later. Right now I just want to be alone. Not so I can purge just so I can have some me time. Alone time is very important to me. Basically the point in all of this is I actually followed through with the plan and the golden rule this morning. It was challenging but I did it. You can do it too. 

Friday, May 26, 2017

The challenge part II 5/26/17

The second part of the challenge was definitely more difficult than the first. Ugh. First, I had to cook dinner. I thought the baked potatoes would never get done. They took forever! It was driving me insane. Then I got to listen to one of my sisters complain about what I cooked. I brushed the comment off. I should have told her if she didn't like it to eat something else or to starve but I didn't. Instead I said "sorry". I don't know why I apologized. It's just what I', used to I suppose. The kidney beans were easy. So was putting together the toppings for the potatoes. The real challenge came when it was time to eat. I ate mindfully afraid of the damn potato; afraid of the toppings on the potato. What a silly thing to even say. It's not about the food and I know that. So why do I still have fear foods? That is a question I cannot answer. Some foods just cause a lot more anxiety than others. I had already challenged myself at lunch and now dinner too. What the fuck. It's been a day. Oh, and I got insanely burnt at the beach because I definitely fell asleep. That's what my pale ass gets for not applying sunscreen though. I had it coming. Anyways, back to dinner. The real challenge, the hardest part, comes now that I am finished. Will I purge or will I not? I still do not know. I think I will make it over the two hour hump. I think I will be okay. I hope I will be okay. Today I was given some inspiration to get better. I got an email from a girl I went to treatment with about her one year anniversary out of a higher level of care. It was so nice to hear that she is doing well. To think that could be me gives me  hope. Knowing I have the skills to get to where she is today. She still has growing, learning, and changing to do but she is well on her way. I have faith that she will get there. I have hope that I will too. For now I am going to work on my project. Until later stay strong and carry on.

Lunch 5/26/17

A quick update on lunch. After the beach my sister said she was hungry and that she wanted to go to Shagger Jack's. Normally when I go out to eat I have it planned out in my mind ahead of time. Going to lunch on the spur of the moment was very challenging to me. Not only was it not planned out I have only been to the restaurant once before when I only got an appetizer to share. I was unfamiliar with the menu.  Right as I was going to start looking at the menu I told my sister I was going to wait until I got home to eat lunch, my eating disorder coming in loud and strong. She offered to buy my lunch for me but I still insisted eating at home. Then she suggested that we just split an app and one meal. I agreed to this. I asked her what she wanted. She is more picky then I am strangely enough. She said how about one of these and pointed to a section on the menu with only four items to my relief. I picked one that had two options. I couldn't decide between shrimp or oysters for the poe boy. She wouldn't pick one either. Finally I decided on shrimp. She picked out the app; fried green tomatoes with goat cheese, onions, and balsamic reduction. The appetizer was really good. We both ate two and a half slices of the fried green tomatoes. When the meal came out I got overwhelmed. The sandwich came with so many french fries. Even my sister commented on how many there were so I know it wasn't just my eating disorder. I shook my self out of it non-literally and cut the sandwich in half. I had to make sure I cut it before her because often she worries about how little I eat and she would have cut it uneven and given me the bigger half. I couldn't have that. So I took action and did it myself. The sandwich was good and so were the fries, which the both of us combined couldn't finish. Overall, I think I ate adequately and that lunch was a recovery and exposure win.

Breakfast 5/26/17

Just conquered breakfast. Kind of. I still have another component to do. I think I will do a morning snack to make up for breakfast. I did granola with yogurt. I need to do fruit as well. Right now I am feeling full but my urges are not very high. I think I am still too tired to really think about the fact that I am full. I might roll over and go back to sleep for a while. I am almost too tired to even write. I don't know why I actually slept last night. Anyways, I did not follow the plan for breakfast. I ate around 9 which is a little later than I normally I eat. I am supposed to eat while my dad is still here but that did not happen today. I am also supposed to go somewhere right after I am finished eating or after I journal. That isn't going to happen today either. That rarely happens. It is something I need to work on following through with. I am about to do some work for Kelly. If I don't fall back asleep. Then I am going to the beach with my sister or sisters I am not sure yet. I am anxious about going. Body image has been very down recently. I am anxious about dinner already. It is going to be challenging as fuck. Baked potatoes are a fear food for me. I like them but rarely eat them. I am trying not to think about that right now. Trying to stay in the present. It is hard when I am so anxious. As I write this I am waking up a little bit more. It is causing my urges to purge and exercise to get stronger. They still are not as high as they normally are though. That is good I suppose. I a going to go do some work for Kelly now. Enjoy your Friday!

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Dinner 5/25/17

Okay so I've had a few drinks. I'm still with it enough to know my urges are high. I have urges to purge and exercise. Urges to compensate tomorrow. The weekends are already hard. I don't know why. It's not like I'm super busy during the week and I'm dead on the weekends. I'm basically dead all the time. What's the difference? I don't know. I did dinner. I want to undo it. But I won't. I will stay busy. I'm actually going grocery shopping again. With my sisters. How's that for a challenge? I don't want to do it. I said I would so I will. I should be okay I think. I hope. Focusing on the good here. I did it earlier. I can do it again. Exposure therapy just works that way. Repeat. Over and over again. This is a good opportunity for me. That's how I'm trying to see it. Boom. Drop the mic.

The challenge

Challenge accepted. My dietitian, Terri, gave me a challenge for this weekend. To go to the grocery store and cook dinner for my family. I went to the grocery store, with the products in the order I would buy them, and successfully completed the first part of the challenge. It was easy really. I barely even had any anxiety about. It wasn't like the time I went to the store with my mom. That was stressful. She had me running everywhere buying things on and off her list. My anxiety was very high in that instance. It as also very high the last time I cooked. Especially with people in and out of the kitchen. When I cook again, which will be tomorrow night, I'm making a strict no people allowed rule. I don't give a flying fuck if someone "needs" to be in there. I will get them whatever it was he/she needs so badly. So I still have the second half of the challenge to do but I totally aced the first part. I even grabbed a few things we needed that weren't even on my list without panicking. In fact, I asked someone who worked there where something was. It turns out I had already been on the right isle and completely overlooked the item like a dumb ass. Oh well. That's life. The point is I spoke to someone while I was on a mission. Then in the parking lot I ran into, almost literally, an old coworker who I spoke to briefly. Taking challenges and making them my bitch. That's what I'm about.I'm even helping my mom cook dinner tonight; stuffed bell peppers. Take that eating disorder.

Lunch restaurant edition 5/25/17

I'm sitting in the lovely Greenfield Lake park. I went to Nikki's for lunch and got sushi with a salad. My anxiety was very high. I did not restrict. I am very full now. I wish I didn't drink so much water. I know I needed it though. My anxiety is calming down a bit. I'm enjoying nature and the perfect weather. Writing and vaping is also helping me to calm down. Going to the mall was hard. I charged $80 at Victoria's Secret. I love that store, but I should not be allowed to own a credit card. Oh well at least I get paid today. I switched out some shorts for my sister at American Eagle because she had gotten the wrong size. The size she asked me to get her is my size. I didn't say anything but I was thinking "what the fuck you are way  smaller than me!" I don't understand how we wear the same size. I'm confused. I guess that's proof of how distorted I see myself. Or maybe these shorts just run small. I will have to try them on to find out. I'm scared. What if they don't fit? I'll freak out for sure. It's probably a good idea that I don't try them on until I'm back at maintenance. Anyways, I'm going for a walk now.

Killin' time

Okay so I'm sitting in the lobby waiting to see my psychiatrist. I'm anxious. Very anxious. I wish I brought a xanax with me. I didn't though. I'll be out of the house until about 5 pm. Shit. Not only am I anxious about my appointment. I'm super anxious about going to lunch alone. In public. That's super difficult. I do not back down from a challenge though. Plus, I forgot to pack a clif bar. So I have no choice but to go to lunch. Otherwise I'll have to skip lunch. In my process right now that just isn't an option. I have to follow the golden rule. Not to mention I have to see my dietitian at two. She will not be happy if I don't do lunch. I'm not doing it for her though. That's just external motivation. I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it to heal. You should do it for you too.

Breakfast part II

Eating breakfast so early proved to be too much. I purged. I decided to redo breakfast. I had a bagel with cream cheese and water. Now I'm scared. What if I didn't get everything out the first time? What I should be scared of is the purging. I put my life in danger every time I do it. Yet that doesn't stop me. It doesn't stop my eating disorder. That scares me. My urges are still high. I think I'm going to try to sleep through them. Or distract with tv if I can't sleep. I ate in the presence of my dad this time. Like I'm supposed to. Following the plan and the golden rule.

Breakfast 5/24/17

Good morning beautiful souls. I just did breakfast. I broke a rule. I'm not supposed to eat this early. I've been up for over a hour. I woke up hungry. So I decided to go ahead and do breakfast. It's actually harder for me to eat when I am hungry. I think because it makes me feel guilty for eating. With the guilt comes high urges. Mostly to compensate. I think I will go on a bike ride this morning. Not in a means to compensate though. Just a short ride to try out my new bike. I'm excited about it. I haven't had a chance to ride it yet because of the rain or my schedule. I'm tired. I want to go back to bed. I can't sleep though. Urges will keep me awake if nothing else does. I feel like the urge to purge is too strong. I shouldn't have eaten this early. Oh well. I will have to fight it. I hope you do too.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Night snack 5/24/17

I just did a night snack. I'm freaking out. I did it to try and make up for breakfast. Now my urges are so high. I don't want to keep the food in me. I know I should. I know I need to. If only doing it were as simple as recognizing the importance of it. I want to scream. I don't want to eat tomorrow. I don't want to eat ever again. That is all negative. I am trying to be positive now. Think of something positive to say. I probably met my meal plan today. That's a positive. I just helped my sister with her homework. It was bullshit. Now I'm busy stressing about my own bullshit; food. It is nonsense. Shouldn't I have better things to worry about. Like life. Like being an adult. Like making sure I am ready for my appointments tomorrow. Or doing homework for Kelly? My life is in shamble right now. Food the center of my chaos. I don't even know what else to say.

Captured

My mother has captured me. Clearly afraid I'm going upstairs to purge. I wasn't. I was just going to my bedroom. To make her happy I'm staying in the living room. Now with really high purge urges. Knowing I don't have the opportunity to purge makes it worse. I don't understand. I think it's the loss of control. Now I want the food out. I want it gone. Funny how quickly my mind can flip over to the dark side. I can't control it. My mind is out of my control. I'm trying to focus on the positives. I did dinner on my own. I'm supposed to be going on a walk right now. It's raining. Another plan ruined. I am too rigid. I need to be more flexible. Another thing I need to work on. I have so much to work on. So much brain rewiring to be done. I'm in a rush. I want things to be better now. I want recovery now. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm out of my relapse I think. Not quite back im recovery. I'm in the yellow. The caution zone. I did something at dance tonight that I knew I shouldn't do. I danced in my leggings with a sports bra. Took off my shirt because the AC was broken. I should have left my shirt on. Body comparisons were very high. Comparisons to my students who are pre teens and teens. I shouldn't be comparing my body to anyone. Let alome adolescents. I have the body of a woman. I am a woman. I have curves. I also struggled with comparing my body to what it once was. What it was when I was a dancer. When I was physically sick. I am sick now bit not like I was then. In a way I am envious of what I once was. In another way I am sad. Sad how much potential I wasted. Sad about how miserable I was. Yet I can't help but think if I were thin now somehow it would bring me happiness. I know it's a lie. It isn't possible. It would probably make me more miserable than it used to. Now I am an adult. I have people who depend on me. I have a job. I need to get my own place. I need to be healthy enough to teach next year. I have so much to look forward to this summer. I need to remember that. For now I guess I am stuck watching jeopardy with my parents.

Dinner 5/24/17

We had a plan for dinner. Stuffed bell peppers. The plan got ruined. My mom is in bed with a migraine. I don't do well with flexibility around food. I had to eat anyways. It meant I was on my own. I chose to do left overs that I cooked from last night. Safe foods. Tuna, roasted sweet potatoes, and steamed broccoli. I feel uncomfortable. I have high restriction urges. Purge urge not so much. But I am afraid to finish my water. Afraid it will make the purge urge come. I haven't had enough fluids today. I need to finish my water. I think I will wait a bit. Until I am less full. Then later I need to drink some more. I need to hold myself to that. I've now had two complete meals today. It's not my meal plan but it's progress. Progress is something. Even though my eating disorder is loud I will preserve. I will continue to fight. I hope there isn't backlash tomorrow. I fear there will be. I will be out. So that means I need to plan for lunch. I don't want to go to lunch alone but I will have to. I think I will go get sushi. In case I chicken out I will take a clif bar with me. I know I have to follow the golden rule. I need a stream of good days. That would be good progress. Progress that will help me get back on track. Progress that will keep me out of treatment. That's whar I want. So I have to fight for it. It's hard. It's more than hard. It's a fucking pain in the ass. I hate it. It is necessary though. I know that. My recovery voice is getting slightly stronger. That gives me hope. It makes me think I'm doing something right. Sure, I restricted breakfast and then purged. I got right back on track with lunch. I honestly needed meal group today. I did not protest going like I normally do. I went without a fight. That's a change. That's progress. I'm trying to look at the little things. The things I'm doing right. The positives. It's very difficult. It's nit, by nature, how I think. I'm trying to rewire my brain. Change the way I think about things. It seems impossible because I have seen things negatively for so long. Training myself to see the good will take a lot of practice. I am willing. I am ready. It's worth the fight. So keep fighting. Fight for recovery. Fight to acknowledge little victories.

Meal group 5/24/17

Just finished meal group successfully. It was really difficult. I made it though. My eating disorder is yelling at me to purge. So I am hanging out in Courtney's office for a while. I'm trying to write through the urges. Listening to music while I write. The eating disorder voice is so much louder than my recovery voice. But I am proud I made it through. It may have been a struggle but now it is over. I am so full. It makes me feel so unsafe. I want to disappear. That's a theme I've been noticing lately. Wanting to be small because then there will be less of me to hirt. That is false. It's a lie. Anyone can get hurt. No matter their size. I was small when I was hurt so badly. So it doesn't really make sense that I equate safety with size. It will take time but I will learn to rewire my brain so that I do not compare being full to being unsafe. The battle is worth the fight. I know that in my heart. Right now it seems impossible. That is just how recovery works. It is not a linear process. There are ups and downs unfortunately. This morning was a down lunch was an up. It can go both ways even in the same day. I wish it were a linear process. That would be so much easier. That's not how it works though. Aren't things worth having supposed to be difficult to achieve anyways? I believe so. Good things do not often come easily. There are always the good little thinhs throughout the day if you pay attention. The laughter of my nephews. The weather. The smell of lavender when I burn my candle. There are so many little things in life that make it worth living. Don't miss out on those moments. The big ones though, they are hard to come by. They take work. Hard work. In this case, healing from a long ingrained eating disorder, I have a long journey ahead of me. It will be worth it though. In the end I will be glad I am fighting. Right now writing is my main outlet. Oh, for lunch I had hamburger steak, squash, rice, and mushroom gravy. Accompanied by some orange juice. I felt like I portioned too much but Courtney said it was appropriate so I completed my meal. Now back to what I was saying. I have a lot of healing and rewiring to do. Both related to my eating disorder and my past trauma. They are both difficult to overcome. But I have always been a fighter. I know I can win the wars in my mind. I just need to be patient. It's hard but I am trying. I am doing my best and that's all anyone can ask of me. That's all I should ask of myself. Instead I put way more pressure on myself. I need to learn not to push myself past my limits. I was working on some work for Kelly this morning and I started feeling a little bit overwhelmed. Not enough that I was going to do anything harmful but enough that I should have taken a break. Instead I pushed myself and kept working. It's tricky with food though. I always have to push myself or I will never complete a meal. Nit in the mindset I am in now. It won't last forever. That's what I'm telling myself. To keep me going. To keep me fighting. Fighting for recovery. Fighting for freedom. I hope you all keep fighting for it too. I can honestly say it is worth it. I was in recovery for five months and I was so much happier. Life was so much more simple. Of course life itself is a challenge. With the added pressure of having anorexia and PTSD it is almost impossible to bare. I am strong though. I have skills to get me through the hard times. I will use them. I will keep moving forward no matter how hard the journey may be. I have a long road ahead of me and I accept that. I am willing and ready to fight the battles so that I can win the war.

Breakfast part II 5/24/17

I decide an ensure plus is just to inadequate. I want this to be a good day. I consume one hundred and seventy more calories. I think I am fine. I think I can do it. I try to distract. I am wrong. I can not do it. I panic. I purge out of nowhere. Now I feel like I have failed. Not only did I just purge. I gave into the eating disorder. That is what bothers me most. I let it take over me. I let it win. I have to do something to fight back. It is not a sense of relief I am feeling now. I felt it as I purged but now I feel blank. I am upset I think. Pissed that I have failed. I am terrified it will make me gain weight. The purge I mean. My body hates me. It does not trust me. It holds onto everything. If I were my body I would do the same damn thing. It has no reason to trust me. After all I have put it through. I am freaking out right now. Anxiety is growing high about meal group. I don't know if I can do it today.

Breakfast 5/24/17

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit. Good morning beautiful beings. I just conquered breakfast. I had an ensure plus. I am freaking out. Three hundred and fifty calories. I don't know why it is bothering me so much. Wait, that's a lie. I do know. It is because I have broken a stupid eating disorder rule. The rule is to skip the meal before meal group. I have meal group for lunch today. Which means, I should not have eaten breakfast. My ED rule clashes with the golden rule. Today I am following the golden rule instead of ED rule. My ED is pissed. I don't necessarily have high purge urges right now which is strange. I just wish I didn't eat. Or drink, whatever you want to call it. The old rule has to stop. Meal group is supposed to be beneficial not detrimental. I feel like I have been using a good thing as a bad thing. Fear overwhelms me on days I have meal group. I don't know why. I usually do fine. It's just eating. Eating in a safe environment. It should make things easier and better. Instead it cripples me with anxiety and leads me straight into the arms of my eating disorder. No more. I'm fed up with it. I have to learn how to apply my new rule. Like I did this morning. Yes, breakfast was restrictive, but I still did it. Today I will be a warrior. No matter how bad it is making me feel right now. My eating disorder is so loud. I have another problem this morning too. I can't find my damn purse. Which contains my life. M wallet and car keys are essential. I'm about to blow a fuse. I always keep it in my bedroom. Where the hell could it be? Ugh. I guess I have to go on a hunt. I never lose things. I never misplace things. I have no idea what is going on right now. I/m too tired for this bullshit. Like seriously. Big fucking deep breath before I lose my cool. I'm racking my brain trying to think of where I could have possibly sat it. I keep coming back to my bedroom. It's literally the only place I keep it, but it isn't here. I am certain of that. I guess I should go look everywhere before I freak the fuck out. Be warriors with me today. Stand up to the big bully in your head. Stay strong and carry on.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Dinner 5/23/17

Dinner. Thank God it is over. I thought it was never going to end. I got so frustrated cooking. I literally threw a whole sweet potato away. I'm not sorry.  Okay so going into boring detail here. Dinner prep. I started by washing, peeling, a cutting up the sweet potatoes. It took the majority of my time. Then I threw that shit in the oven. They took forever to cook. About forty minutes at three seventy-five. The broccoli took no time in the microwave. Maybe a total of eight minutes. I think the most difficult part was cooking everyone's fish the way they like it. Me and two of my sisters like it just seared with a raw center. My mom likes hers cooked through. My dad likes his somewhere in the middle. I don't really know how to describe that in detail. Right now I just finished eating. Dinner was good if I do say so myself. I don't feel like it was worth the trouble though. I'm glad it is over. The cooking and the eating part. Everyone assured me dinner was very good. I mean it was okay. Nothing special. I do know how to cook. I just do not enjoy it. Especially if it is just for me. Which brings me to think I will starve to death when I move out on my own. I am working on a propel to go with dinner. The fluids, yay, what fun. I am struggling to be honest. After having skipped breakfast and had a small lunch dinner was very challenging as the first full meal of the day. I feel like I overate which I know is inaccurate. I am ready to just skip ahead. Skip over the hard part. Sure eating is difficult but the most difficult time is the two hours to follow. I want to get good and fucked up on pills again.  I'm highly considering it to be honest. But then I have to explain myself. It isn't worth it. Instead I will just write. Write until the feelings pass. Until I feel like a human again. I don't feel human right now. Not  after just eating. I think I feel like this because I am full. Most people are fine when they are full and I, I am not fine. I instead want to disappear. I want to turn into nothing. I want life to be over and done with already. I at least want these next few hours to end. My urges are high, Made worse by the fact that I have done this to myself. I wonder how people can cook and eat like it is nothing. To me it is not nothing. It is a big deal. Preparing food to eat it is such a waste. I don;t know how people can live like this, I never want to cook again. I never want to eat again. This wasn't just a simple challenge. Not for me. This is huge. Monumental even. I hate it. The fact that is my fault that I am full. The fact that I had to "adult". Mostly the fact the I am full and have no one else to blame. Sure, cooking was assigned to me, I would not have chose to do it otherwise. Sure, I am required to eat. I would not do that otherwise either. But this, this feeling I have now. It is my own fault. I could have done less. I should have done less. I should have restricted. Then I wouldn't feel the way I do now. God I hate life sometimes. I just want it to end.

Lunch 5/23/17

Okay so, no breakfast today. I woke up completely hating life. I had to force myself to do lunch. It consisted of a full two hundred and eighty calories. I feel defeated. I restricted breakfast and had a healthy steamer option for lunch. I am very behind on my meal plan today. About nine hundred calories behind. Yet I feel like I have had too much. Why is my head doing this to me today? I just want to be able to kick ass and do what I am supposed to be doing. That does not seem possible today. I am already in a fuss about dinner. Trying not to think about that yet though. The worry will do no good. I am dealing with very high urges today. I want to purge. Mainly I want to exercise. I want to self-harm for allowing myself to eat what I did for lunch. The eating disorder voice is loud and angry. I should not have eaten it says. But I know I made the right choice. I know because their is a faint whisper telling me that I did. I know because it was following the plan. I did lunch with two of my sisters around. One of my sisters threw out what I had intended to have for lunch today. That was hard. It set me back. I had to re-decide what to have. I almost made the decision not to eat at that point.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Dinner 5/22/17

Okay so right about now I'm hating life. I just ate. I had way to many veggies, rice, and hamburger steak with gravy. And of course a few shots of tequila and a watermelon margarita which is pretty damn good if I do say so myself. I have the worst urges. I have to help my sister with homework and right now I just don't give a shit. I want to purge. I want to exercise. I ate too much. Life is a nightmare. It is also going better than expected so I don't know why I am complaining. Someone slap me. I need a good wake up call or something. I have support and don't have to do this own. Yet that seems to piss me off. I want to be alone. I want to do recovery on my own. I don't know if that is just a defense mechanism or what. But it is what I know. Being dependent on people is not a thing I do. It is foreign to me. That is why I am so against this family meeting that will be happening in a few weeks. It's bullshit and I am doing fine. At least that is what I choose to tell myself. Besides the fact that my life is falling apart, I did get good news today. My weight is finally trending down. I don't know by how much and frankly I do not care. All I give a shit about is the fact that it is going down. My weight is a big factor in my recovery. Every time I step on a scale I partially want to kill myself. No exaggeration. I don't even know if it is an exaggeration because I think I'm drunk. All I know is y sister is mad at me because I am making her do her own work. I don't care. She needs to do her own work. Hey, Tori, #sorrynotsorry. Eat that biotch.

Breakfast 5/22/17

Okay so I just did breakfast. Kind of. I had some granola with yogurt and about 6 oz of juice. Here's where the kind of comes in. I couldn't find the strength to finish the granola and yogurt. I poured out about a third of it into the trash can. I usually do okay once I portion. Not today. Today it is too damn hard. Each bite I took my eating disorder yelling at me to stop. It's excruciating. It's not fair. It sucks. I guess that's just life though. I'm trying to distract and think and think about something other than the food I did consume. I'm coming up empty handed. I don't even know what to type right now. I want to purge and then go back to sleep and not deal with today. That is not an option. I have shit to do today. I need to go to the post office to send Erin her little gift and another friend her care package. I also have to go to Wilmington to see Terri. Then I have to come home and help my sister with her homework so she doesn't fuck it all up. Maybe after all that I will have time to ride my new bike.Oh. I must be honest, the other night when I took those medications I also smoked. I smoked again last night too. I'm not going to make a habit out of it or anything. I don't really even like the way it makes me feel. So no more. That's what I am saying and that's what I am sticking to. It isn't recovery oriented. Although it isn't the worst thing I could do. Keep fighting warriors <3

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Dinner 5/21/17

Ugh. Just finished dinner. Along with two glasses of wine. My urges are through the roof. I am not drunk enough to not care about the calories. I want to purge. I want to exercise. I want to scream. I want to cry. I don't know what I need right now. I just know that blogging is the first step towards recovery. For dinner I had half a tomato and cucumber sandwich and a few nachos with cheese and beans. I feel like I ate everything. Rationally I know it was a small portion. The fact that it was two random ass foods makes it worse. They don't even go together. Not in the slightest. Why didn't I just choose one over the other. I think what I need right now is to get good and fucked up. That does not sound like a recovery oriented thing but I think in this case it is. In this case it will keep me from purging. It may be the only thing that does. I need to continue drinking. I am still sober enough to worry about the calories in alcohol. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do besides to write. Write and talk to one of my best friends as I am currently doing. Hopefully she can talk some since into me. I'm not asking her to take accountability or to care take me or anything like that. We have a sort of agreement. Each of us will put our own recovery first. Always. No matter what. So I don't have to worry about being a burden to her and vice versa. My eating disorder has been loud all day. It is even louder now. Made worse by the fact that I have either: 1. been laying out by the pool, 2. been working on my project, 3. been blogging, or 4. been helping my sister with her homework all day long. None of that requires movement. Not really. I can't go for a walk like I am supposed to after dinner. Not tonight. Not on a Sunday. There are too many tourists this time of year in Southport. Far too many and my anxiety is far too high. Okay so I just talked to one of my best friends for forty minutes on the phone for a distraction. Which is unheard of. I hate talking on the phone. It is like fingernails on a chalk board to me. Nonetheless she is easy to talk to. We talked about random shit. When I say random, I mean random. Everything from babies and marriage to the movie Space Jams. What a throwback. You know you're a 90's kid when you talk about that shit like it's nothing. She just called back. Hold that thought. Okay, so I'm off the phone. Again. My urges are still high. I still want to get fucked up. The purge urge has gone significantly down though. That is good. Erin is so helpful. She never seizes to make me laugh. Her laugh alone can bring a smile to my face. I mean that literally. Her laugh is quite contagious. I hope she doesn't mind me using her name in this post. I will have to check with her before I post. Just in case. I am respectful that way. At least I like to think I am respectful especially when it comes to privacy. Anyways, self-harm and exercise urges are still high. I think I will just drink with my sister. If I can get her to answer her phone. Otherwise I'm on my own. Maybe I will go check her apartment. I don't really want to go drink alone tonight. I just got in touch with her. She has a headache and doesn't want to participate. So I guess that leaves me to drink alone. I'm already half way there. The calories are already wasted. I might as well. It isn't really a recovery oriented thing to do. It also isn't a very eating disordered thing to do. I don't really see the harm in getting a little drunk. Sure, getting black out by yourself is a problem. Getting black out drunk in any situation (other than college in my opinion) is pretty much a problem. But cutting lose and numbing out for a while? I think it may actually do more good than harm. Or someone will have to convince me otherwise. Until then, I shall drink on and carry on.

Lunch 5/21/17

I really didn't want to. Not at all. But I just ate lunch. I made the decision today. Not my eating disorder. It took me a while to make the right  choice pushing lunch that much closer to dinner time. I did it. That's what matters. I followed the golden rule. Also I did it alone. I held myself accountable for that shit. My dad is home and he didn't say one word to me about eating lunch. Which I am actually grateful for. I'm in a bad head space today and it would have pushed me to be mean and snappy and definitely restrict lunch altogether. It's funny how support can work that way. It all depends on my mood and head space. Like the other day when I wasn't going to do lunch and my mom just so happened to call and invite me to eat with her I appreciated it. Today I would have been pissed. It's a hit or a miss. So anyways, I'm eating lunch and my damn brother Eddy calls me. I hang up on him of course. I don't wish to speak to him. It certainly didn't help my mood at all. I am now struggling with very high urges. I ate a bowl of rice, with veggies, black beans, and sour cream. With sriracha of course. That  may sound gross but I put sriracha on practically everything. It was good. Not like oh my God I want that all the time good but edible. So now I am very full. Sipping on a propel that I opened last night because all I have had today is two coffees and a juice. I'm trying to drink the propel but I think it is making my urges worse. My urges to self-harm are extremely high today. I am disgusted with myself. I went to the pool earlier and my body is horrendous. I should not be allowed to wear a bathing suit. It makes me feel like shit and it probably grosses out other people. My sister, Tori, said I was getting on her nerves with body comments today. By body comments I actually mean body comment. She over exaggerates. All I said was that I didn't really want to go anymore because I look like a whale. She freaked out on me saying how sick she was of it. Then she went back into her room. My other sister, Laney, stuck up for me. She said I wasn't being annoying. Maybe she understands more than I think she does. Or maybe it's because I literally only made one comment and then stopped talking about it.  I really want to exercise too. Also I want badly to purge. I am full and I hate it. I don't think it is physical fullness. I think it is emotional fullness. Either way I want it to stop. I want to cut or do drugs. I don't know. Something destructive. Instead I am writing through the pain, So for now I will continue writing. I have been working more on my project. It is actually helpful. It reminds me of what a bad place I can get into if I listen to my eating disorder. It makes me want to fight that much harder. Whether or not the said project ever turns into anything doesn't really matter to me right now. Right now I am simply working on it. Not caring if it is for my eyes alone or for others as well. It is different than my blogging. Because it allows me to go back to the beginning. To talk about things I never talk about in my blogs. It's a great way to vent. I think I will end this blog here and move onto working on that other project for a bit. Fight hard and stay strong. It is so worth it no matter how hard it is. No matter what kind of day you are having.

Breakfast 5/21/19

I wake up around 8 am even though I was up past 3. I wake up in what I guess you could say is an eating disorder mood. Breakfast no where on the radar. Finally. when my friend wakes up around 9:40 my time she convinces me to do breakfast. Supporting me as I support her. After a debate and talking it through with her I decide to have a bagel with cream cheese. She mentions yogurt and juice to go with it. I am stubborn this morning. I refuse to do the yogurt but decide to work on the juice. I drank about 5 oz. before I caved into my eating disorder and stopped drinking it. I did however put the rest of my juice in the refrigerator for later. Planning on going back to that soon. It is now 10:40 and I just finished breakfast about 5 minutes ago. It took me close to a hour to eat. But I did it. That's what counts I suppose. My little sister is getting me a small dirty chai latte from Port City Java. I am allowing myself to have it only for recovery reasons. First, I didn't finish the juice, second, I didn't  do the yogurt. I'm hoping the calories will be about equivalent to what my breakfast should have been once I manage the chai latte. I'm sipping on it now. It is delicious. I am reminding myself that while I drink it, Trying to switch the focus off of the calories. That's something I've been working on with my dietitian. I'm trying to put that into practice right now because my eating disorder is so loud. It wants me to purge. It wants me to skip lunch. It is pissed that I did breakfast. It is getting louder as I drink this latte. Why didn't I just stick with black coffee? It is screaming. I don't care. I mean I do care because it is super annoying, frustrating, and painful. But I am trying to ignore it the best that I can. I guess at least my plan wise my day is off to a good start. Who knows what the rest of the day has in store for me. I am working on a project that I've been wanting to do for a while. I finally started it last night. It is too soon for me to say more about that though.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Thus far...

Okay, I will start  with lunch. At first I panicked thinking I had to do lunch on my own. Which of course would have mean't no lunch. I knew my team would not support that decision in any way. Then shortly after the panic set in my mom called to see if I wanted to do lunch with her. I graciously accepted her invitation. My eating disorder was pissed. I had an easy out. But my recovery voice won instead. I am proud of that. For lunch I ate a taco salad. Almost the whole thing. Including the shell! I couldn't quite finish but in my opinion all of it would have been too much. What I ate to my eating disorder was of course too much. I don't give a fuck. Also, exciting news I am getting a bike today. I have already picked it out. Fast forward about four hours. I decide to have a snack. I do a small bowl of pasta with pumpkin sauce thinking everything is fine. Then with no warning at all, not a flicker of hesitation, I am in the bathroom purging. I'm racking my brain trying to figure out what the trigger was. I don't know. Maybe it is that I was hungry? Maybe it had to do with how much I ate at lunch? Or maybe it was a hungover from yesterday's sessions. I am unsure. It could also be a combination of all of the above. Either way it happened. Which means I have purged yet again. I am afraid it will cause me to gain weight. My body holds onto every once possible because it does not trust me right now. Another possible  reason for the purge, Kelly will be out of town next week and I'm low key freaking out about that.

Breakfast 5/20/17

I woke up early. Like 6 am. Which is insane for a Saturday. I didn't want to eat today. I just woke up with that kind of mind set. The kind that drives me insane. Voices screaming in my head. I decided to ignore it the best I could. I'm living by the golden rule today. I had breakfast. A protein shake which consisted of: ice, milk, yogurt, protein powder, strawberries, and a banana. I did not count calories this morning but I am pretty sure it was less than my meal plan but close to it. I'm getting there. Pulling myself out of this relapse. Now it's starting to fade back into lapses. My dad ate breakfast too. Je usually doesn't but he did to support me. My urges are very high right now. The ED voice is very loud and disappointed in me. It's difficult to fight against... I'm going tanning and shopping with my sister today. I need to get some things to make a care package to my friend who is in treatment. I need to tan so I can be a golden goddess. I hope this is a good day. I'm trying to think positive. Have a lovely day and fight hard. It will be worth it.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Dinner 5/29/27

I just completed dinner. For once calories are in the back of my mind. I am more concerned about my good friend who just went back to treatment. I shipped her two books and  am planning on sending her a care package as well. I'm not exactly sure what to put in it but I'm thinking something along the lines of a word search, face masks, blank card set, and a letter. I am greatly disturbed that she had to go back because it could have easily been me. I'm glad it's not but I am torn. My eating disorder is telling me if I am not sick enough for a higher level of care that I am completely fine. Which I know is a lie. I'm not fine. I am struggling. But I am on the path to recovery. My urges are high even though I am concerned about her. Not much more to say. I'm about to go on a walk with my sister,

Rambling away

For breakfast I had an ensure plus and a whole mango. It may sound restrictive but in reality it came close to meeting my meal plan. It frightened me to find that out after I had eaten it. As I honestly did not know how many calories are in a mango. Man are they loaded. But they are so good. I hate that I did an ensure. It's a cop out. It's avoidance of food. For lunch I planned on doing a peanut butter and jelly with yogurt and fruit but chickened out at the last minute. Instead I had a clif bar and an ensure plus. Which may also seem restricted but matched my meal plan to a T. Which is very scary. So in my dietitian appointment she was very open with me as I asked her to be. Unfortunately there was no good news. My weight is fluctuating up. I don't understand it. I think it is from water retention due to dehydration. There is no other explanation. My body is clearly fucked up this time. Not knowing what to do with itself. My metabolism completely fucked. I am scared my weight will just keep going up and up and will never stop. My dietitian recommended I continue eating three meals a day with CONSISTENCY. That is hard for me to grasp. If eating is causing me to gain weight when I'm already above  my set point why should I continue eating? It's all about consistency. My body has to learn how to trust me again. It is almost six pm and I haven't had any fluids today. My pee is bright yellow, tmi I know. Sorry not sorry. I am afraid to drink because it makes me so full. But I know I need to. I will with dinner I keep telling myself. I will when the time is right. But when is that time? With dinner it seems impossible. How can I consume food and liquid at the same time? I will be miserably full. My plan is to do it anyways.. Then ride out the urges afterwards via talking to friends. One of my good friends has been in this situation before. She also recommends consistency. She is a nurse, She says my body has to learn to trust me again. I am not so sure. I am sure I have ruined my body this time and that it will no longer operate how it is supposed to. The good news is my labs are okay and I am allowed to exercise again. With restraints and limits of course.  I don't care about the conditions I am just excited to run again. To feel the wind in my hair as I make my way down my typical running route. Also the need to compensate is high. My dietitian doesn't want me running when I am trying to "purge" through exercise. I told her that is how I always feel. Then she suggested I not do it at all. I don't know what to do. I want to get up in the morning and go for a lovely run but I know it will be motivated by the wrong reasons. But is that enough of a reason to keep me from doing it? Probably not. Exercise is also a good thing for mental health as well. I need to keep that in mind. I had session today. Session with my dietitian and with my therapist. Both went relatively well. The first session was hard because I found out about my weight trend. The second session was much harder because we were talking all over the place including trauma work. My therapist assured me that I should not have shame and guilt about my trauma and that by no means am I overreacting to the situation. I am unsure. The things I told her have me brainwashed. I don't know what to believe. I trust her and she has no reason to lie to me. But I grew up learning completely different messages. Messages of lies. Messages that have my head full of crazy ideas. It is very complicated. I still have dinner ahead of me so I will journal again tonight. With love, stay strong.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Dinner 5/18/17

I got home from work about a hour ago just in time to realize I left my journal at the dance studio. Thankfully it is filled with mostly choreography (I think) and not random shit about my life. That would be terrible. So I called my coworker and had her put it in the office for me. Just in case. When I got home my house was empty. The house that is usually a cluster fuck of people and I was like "what the fuck, where are the people?". They arrived home shortly after with dinner in hand. I panicked. It was pizza and salad, The salad was fine but pizza scares the shit out of me. How silly, right? Giving food so much control and power over me, I ate it nonetheless knowing I would be antagonized if I didn't. I somehow managed a salad and two slices. An appropriate portion. After a small breakfast and lunch combined with all the exercise I did at dance I'm trying to handle it okay. My urges are high. I want to purge. I need to purge. I need to compensate. But I won't. Not today satan. Not  today. Fuck you anorexia. Normally I can say that I actually enjoy pizza. I think it tastes good. Tonight I was worried about the calories. Not giving one single fuck that it was fueling my body. Then my recovery voice faintly kicked in. Don't think of it as pizza. Think of it as components. My body  needs fuel. It needs energy. I have probably expended more than I have taken in today. That's disordered thinking but right now it is helping me not to panic. I walked around the mall for a while and danced for two hours. Not to mention the random shit my like organs functioning my body needs calories for. I'm trying to write until I calm down. Until the urges die down a bit. So far no luck. All I want is to rid myself of the food I've consumed. But I won't do that. I need to keep it. Last night was a mistake. I don't want to repeat it. I need to be strong. To push through the urges. It's just so hard. Why is my eating disorder so loud? Shouldn't it be growing weaker? All the while it seems to gain strength as mt rational voice fades into the background. It worries me. Makes me afraid of what will happen. Will I give into the urges? Will tonight end like last night did? I hope not. But the panic is setting in more as I type. Thinking about calories. Thinking in a manner that is good for no one. I want the food gone! I wish I didn't eat it. I wish I was empty and pure. Which brings me to the real reason I am afraid. I still have to finish the work in my workbook. I didn't have a chance to do it before I went into work. Which by the way I finally calmed down enough from lunch to focus and choreograph a presentable combination for class. I was scared I was just going to have to wing class. My eating disorder was so loud I knew I would never get anything accomplished. Yet I did. I was able to put my job before my eating disorder. That is a nice feeling to have. Knowing that I'm at least in control enough to save my job. To be worthy of my job. To challenge my kids. Not just show up and give them the same stuff over and over again. It was a nice distraction; work. Now I'm back in reality. Freaking out about stupid food. It's not even about the food. But it is. It's so confusing. I just want to go to sleep. Sleep through it all. I can't though. I have somethings I need to accomplish. I have to suck it up. I have to keep moving forward. I think I am going to stay in town this weekend. That concerns me. Too much freedom to do what I want. Aka restrict. I need a plan. A solid plan. I'm going to talk to my dietitian tomorrow about it.

Lunch 5/18/17

Just got back home. I had a nice time with my sisters. I definitely spent money I don't have to spend and got a new dress and a long romper. I also bought my sister and pretty maxi dress for her birthday. After shopping the panic set in. I knew we were going to get lunch. We stopped for lunch just as I expected. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to concern my sisters by not eating. So I used external motivation as my choice to take a step towards recovery. I used opposite action. I ate even though I really didn't want to. I had a cup of soup and four jalapeno poppers. Restrictive but enough to look "normal". My sisters both got subs and ate them without hesitation. How I envy that. They love to eat. They are perfect in that sense. I don't understand. I cannot imagine having that type of relationship with food. Hopefully one day I will find out what it is like. Now food is intertwined with fear. I don't feel full yet I feel unsafe. I want the food out. That's twice that I have restricted today and it is not good enough for my eating disorder. Nothing is. Nothing ever will be. So I'm fighting for recovery. Fighting the urge to purge what I did eat. The weather is nice outside and that at least is helpful for my mood. But it doesn't stop the incessant chatter going on in my head right now. I want it to stop. I want to be numb. I have too many things to accomplish. I have  to get work done for Kelly tomorrow and I'm terrified to even open the book. It makes me cringe just thinking about. Thinking repeatedly about the message I sent her yesterday. All knotted up into a ball of fear. I hate food I think to myself. But what I really hate is what happened to me and how I am responsible for my healing process. It just isn't fair. I want to move on. I want to take the blame off of food and put it where it really belongs. Food makes me feel dirty and disgusting as did the things from my past. I think that is the correlation from my trauma and food. Which doesn't make any logical sense. How did food become the enemy? Because for so many years I had no other way to try and protect myself. I sit where now as an adult and wonder if I will ever have a healthy relationship with food. When I eat I typically don't even stop to think if I enjoy it. I simply eat because it is the golden rule. The way to survive. It makes me angry. I wish I could live without food. Life would be much more simple. In truth life will never be simple. I am not glad about my trauma but I know our scars make us who we are. I try to keep that in mind. Would I be a worse person if I never endured what I did as a child? I have no clue. I do know that I would not be the same person I am today. Maybe for the better and maybe for the worst. That unfortunately is something I will never find out. I can not erase my past as much as I wish I could. All I can do is keep moving forward. Keep writing until the urges subside. They linger far too long for comfort. I want them gone. I want to be "normal". I want to live my fucking life already. All of that seems impossible. I have to much healing to go through. It may take a lifetime but I am trying to convince myself I will get there eventually. I hope and pray that I do. For now I must finish up the work for Kelly. Then I have to get ready for work. I have to plan. Not just wing it. I'm subbing classes for another teacher today and I don't want to go in unprepared. I have to stop thinking about the food I consumed today. Why can't I just enjoy the nice day for what it is? My sisters are perfectly fine and they ate more than I did. I envy that so much. Maybe that will be me one day. But for now I sit here writing in agony baring my soul out through words. It's time for me to pull myself together and get on with my day.

Breakfast 5/18/17

Not much going on this morning. I went and got my labs done, finally. Only a few days until I get the results. I'm hoping I didn't fuck up my K or anything else with all the purging I've been doing lately. Anyways, I really didn't want to do breakfast morning. When do I ever though? So I forced myself to do a small protein shake. Inadequate but something. I used a banana a little bit of peanut butter, yogurt, milk, and ice. Oh and of course protein powder. Then blended to perfection. I had to drink it. I knew I needed it. It tasted good but I hated every sip I took. My restriction urge is very high today. I am depressed. So instead of laying in bed all day until work I'm opting to go to the mall with my sisters. Normally I would have declined the offer but I need it. I need to get out of the house and be at least semi-social. Even though I hate it. Even though I don't have money for shopping right now. I do need to get my sister a little something at least for her birthday. Either way I'm getting out of the house. Going to Wilmington for something other than a dr. appointment for once. I even bothered to put on makeup. It's been a while since I have willingly done that. I'm worried about lunch though. We will be out and I haven't been doing so great with that lately. Eating small portions when I go out. I already restricted at breakfast so I know I need a proper lunch. I hope I can do it. I'm planning on this being a good day. Staying busy is helpful for me. It lifts my mood. Even though generally speaking I don't like being in public. But I will be fine with my sisters. Maybe we will even take some pictures today. They love doing that. Which as a general rule I hate. Especially when I am so uncomfortable with my body. I don't like to capture my huge self in a photo. But that is the eating disorder speaking. I look decent today. I have on a high-waisted skirt and a crop top. Very springish. I am ready for a good day. Bright eyed and bushy tailed since 6:45 this morning which is far too early but whatever. I'm going to try to ignore the screaming voice of my eating disorder today. Do what I need to do. It's time to go hit the mall. More to come later.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Dinner 5/17/17

I ate too fast. Or too much. I don't know. I tried to distract. I talked to a friend. Nothing helped. My urges were simply too high. I could not resist. My eating disorder took over. I purged. I broke a week and a half purge free. I'm trying not to shame spiral. I'm trying to pull myself  together. I should have followed the plan. Instead I decided I was just too tired to go on a walk. My friend even suggested I take a walk. Why didn't I listen. I knew the purge would come. I didn't want it to but it was inevitable. This time. Not next time. I don't have to go back in the rabbit hole. I'm trying to figure out why the urge was so strong. I know in my heart it has nothing to do with the food. Yet it seems it does. It's bullshit. So confusing. If I really think about it as I type this I think it has to do with being so vulnerable with my therapist today. After session I sent her an email with a secret. A secret I have always kept from everyone. It's too much to bare. I have never told a soul. Including past therapists. Something came up in the workbook I am working in I don't know exactly but something along the lines of if there was any secrets I was keeping from my therapist about the abuse. The truth is there was. I couldn't bring myself to tell her in session. So later I sent her an email revealing the big secret. I don't know why. I just felt that it was time for the truth to come out. The truth about what really happened to me. I feel terrible. I feel like I don't want to walk back into her office now that she knows. I know she won't judge me. I know she will still look at me the same way. So why does it matter? Being honest is part of the healing process, right? This doesn't feel like healing. This feels like torture. People call me a survivor. Say that I have already lived through the worst of it. I'm not saying the therapy work is as bad as what happened to me but it hurts like hell. I hope working through it is worth it. In all honesty I just want to skip the work, I want to be in the next phase. The healed phase. The part that I get to move on with my life. Unfortunately that just isn't possible. But God why does it have to hurt so much? Why can't healing feel like healing instead of having a knife repeatedly open the wound? Over and over again. I want to do the work I do. I believe it is necessary. I think it must happen for me to move forward with life. Yet I feel like shit. I'm barely even in the book yet and it's already painful. It already hurts so much that my words cannot express it. It worries me for what is to come in the rest of the book. Will I be able to handle it? Besides the reason that I think I purged I am also freaking out. Freaking out that the purging will make me gain more weight. Freaking out that not purging will make me gain more weight. All I know is I didn't stick to the plan and look where that got me. I need to stick with the plan. I need to follow through. No excuses.The misery of the eating disorder is;t worth that. It has more than proved that to me. Yet when things get tough I immediately run back to it. Why is that? It's because it is a familiar pain. A pain I am used to. Unlike the work I am doing now. But I need to do the work. I want to do the work. I need to be strong enough to do the work. Even thinking about it makes me want to purge again. Or do drugs and numb out. Anything to numb the pain I am in. I want to SH. I want all of this to be over already. But I will remain strong. I will carry on. Until next time stay strong and carry on.