Wednesday, May 31, 2017
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Sorry for blowing up my blog fed today. I just seem to have a lot of updates. So I volunteered to cook dinner tonight AND decided what to cook myself. That may not seem like a big deal, but it is. Deciding on food for myself is difficult not to mention when I'm deciding for my whole family. Especially since I got some negative feedback last time I cooked. I have been wanting some buffalo wings but have been too scared to eat them. Tonight I am going to conquer that fear and eat something that sounds good. Along with the wings I am making homemade mashed potatoes and steamed veggies. I also will be making tofu for Tori. I have already prepped the potatoes by peeling, washing, and cutting them. That alone took about thirty minutes. It was a useful way to distract myself from purging after lunch. After I journaled obviously. Right now I am waiting in the lobby at Chrysalis. I am seeing Kelly first then Terri. I have a lot to talk about with both of them. I'm such a ding bat I forgot to bring my trauma workbook with me. I have two chapters in it to share with Kelly. Luckily I have at least two agendas I can share with Kelly today on my phone. The rest will have to wait for Thursday. As long as I don't cancel my Thursday appointments. What my mom said is really bothering me. I am going to talk to Terri about missing meal group tomorrow so I don't have to make the extra trip up to Wilmington. We will see how that goes. I will update again after dinner. It is almost time for my session. Oh, and my mom probably isn't even going to eat dinner. She said she's too "exhausted and stressed". I'm always exhausted and stressed. The difference is I have to do dinner. She doesn't. Not fair. I sound like a child but it really isn't. It is very triggering for her to not do dinner. Skipping meals intentionally around me is dangerous territory. I gotta run.
Monday, May 29, 2017
Sunday, May 28, 2017
Saturday, May 27, 2017
Friday, May 26, 2017
Thursday, May 25, 2017
Okay so I've had a few drinks. I'm still with it enough to know my urges are high. I have urges to purge and exercise. Urges to compensate tomorrow. The weekends are already hard. I don't know why. It's not like I'm super busy during the week and I'm dead on the weekends. I'm basically dead all the time. What's the difference? I don't know. I did dinner. I want to undo it. But I won't. I will stay busy. I'm actually going grocery shopping again. With my sisters. How's that for a challenge? I don't want to do it. I said I would so I will. I should be okay I think. I hope. Focusing on the good here. I did it earlier. I can do it again. Exposure therapy just works that way. Repeat. Over and over again. This is a good opportunity for me. That's how I'm trying to see it. Boom. Drop the mic.
I'm sitting in the lovely Greenfield Lake park. I went to Nikki's for lunch and got sushi with a salad. My anxiety was very high. I did not restrict. I am very full now. I wish I didn't drink so much water. I know I needed it though. My anxiety is calming down a bit. I'm enjoying nature and the perfect weather. Writing and vaping is also helping me to calm down. Going to the mall was hard. I charged $80 at Victoria's Secret. I love that store, but I should not be allowed to own a credit card. Oh well at least I get paid today. I switched out some shorts for my sister at American Eagle because she had gotten the wrong size. The size she asked me to get her is my size. I didn't say anything but I was thinking "what the fuck you are way smaller than me!" I don't understand how we wear the same size. I'm confused. I guess that's proof of how distorted I see myself. Or maybe these shorts just run small. I will have to try them on to find out. I'm scared. What if they don't fit? I'll freak out for sure. It's probably a good idea that I don't try them on until I'm back at maintenance. Anyways, I'm going for a walk now.
Okay so I'm sitting in the lobby waiting to see my psychiatrist. I'm anxious. Very anxious. I wish I brought a xanax with me. I didn't though. I'll be out of the house until about 5 pm. Shit. Not only am I anxious about my appointment. I'm super anxious about going to lunch alone. In public. That's super difficult. I do not back down from a challenge though. Plus, I forgot to pack a clif bar. So I have no choice but to go to lunch. Otherwise I'll have to skip lunch. In my process right now that just isn't an option. I have to follow the golden rule. Not to mention I have to see my dietitian at two. She will not be happy if I don't do lunch. I'm not doing it for her though. That's just external motivation. I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it to heal. You should do it for you too.
Eating breakfast so early proved to be too much. I purged. I decided to redo breakfast. I had a bagel with cream cheese and water. Now I'm scared. What if I didn't get everything out the first time? What I should be scared of is the purging. I put my life in danger every time I do it. Yet that doesn't stop me. It doesn't stop my eating disorder. That scares me. My urges are still high. I think I'm going to try to sleep through them. Or distract with tv if I can't sleep. I ate in the presence of my dad this time. Like I'm supposed to. Following the plan and the golden rule.
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
My mother has captured me. Clearly afraid I'm going upstairs to purge. I wasn't. I was just going to my bedroom. To make her happy I'm staying in the living room. Now with really high purge urges. Knowing I don't have the opportunity to purge makes it worse. I don't understand. I think it's the loss of control. Now I want the food out. I want it gone. Funny how quickly my mind can flip over to the dark side. I can't control it. My mind is out of my control. I'm trying to focus on the positives. I did dinner on my own. I'm supposed to be going on a walk right now. It's raining. Another plan ruined. I am too rigid. I need to be more flexible. Another thing I need to work on. I have so much to work on. So much brain rewiring to be done. I'm in a rush. I want things to be better now. I want recovery now. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm out of my relapse I think. Not quite back im recovery. I'm in the yellow. The caution zone. I did something at dance tonight that I knew I shouldn't do. I danced in my leggings with a sports bra. Took off my shirt because the AC was broken. I should have left my shirt on. Body comparisons were very high. Comparisons to my students who are pre teens and teens. I shouldn't be comparing my body to anyone. Let alome adolescents. I have the body of a woman. I am a woman. I have curves. I also struggled with comparing my body to what it once was. What it was when I was a dancer. When I was physically sick. I am sick now bit not like I was then. In a way I am envious of what I once was. In another way I am sad. Sad how much potential I wasted. Sad about how miserable I was. Yet I can't help but think if I were thin now somehow it would bring me happiness. I know it's a lie. It isn't possible. It would probably make me more miserable than it used to. Now I am an adult. I have people who depend on me. I have a job. I need to get my own place. I need to be healthy enough to teach next year. I have so much to look forward to this summer. I need to remember that. For now I guess I am stuck watching jeopardy with my parents.
We had a plan for dinner. Stuffed bell peppers. The plan got ruined. My mom is in bed with a migraine. I don't do well with flexibility around food. I had to eat anyways. It meant I was on my own. I chose to do left overs that I cooked from last night. Safe foods. Tuna, roasted sweet potatoes, and steamed broccoli. I feel uncomfortable. I have high restriction urges. Purge urge not so much. But I am afraid to finish my water. Afraid it will make the purge urge come. I haven't had enough fluids today. I need to finish my water. I think I will wait a bit. Until I am less full. Then later I need to drink some more. I need to hold myself to that. I've now had two complete meals today. It's not my meal plan but it's progress. Progress is something. Even though my eating disorder is loud I will preserve. I will continue to fight. I hope there isn't backlash tomorrow. I fear there will be. I will be out. So that means I need to plan for lunch. I don't want to go to lunch alone but I will have to. I think I will go get sushi. In case I chicken out I will take a clif bar with me. I know I have to follow the golden rule. I need a stream of good days. That would be good progress. Progress that will help me get back on track. Progress that will keep me out of treatment. That's whar I want. So I have to fight for it. It's hard. It's more than hard. It's a fucking pain in the ass. I hate it. It is necessary though. I know that. My recovery voice is getting slightly stronger. That gives me hope. It makes me think I'm doing something right. Sure, I restricted breakfast and then purged. I got right back on track with lunch. I honestly needed meal group today. I did not protest going like I normally do. I went without a fight. That's a change. That's progress. I'm trying to look at the little things. The things I'm doing right. The positives. It's very difficult. It's nit, by nature, how I think. I'm trying to rewire my brain. Change the way I think about things. It seems impossible because I have seen things negatively for so long. Training myself to see the good will take a lot of practice. I am willing. I am ready. It's worth the fight. So keep fighting. Fight for recovery. Fight to acknowledge little victories.
Just finished meal group successfully. It was really difficult. I made it though. My eating disorder is yelling at me to purge. So I am hanging out in Courtney's office for a while. I'm trying to write through the urges. Listening to music while I write. The eating disorder voice is so much louder than my recovery voice. But I am proud I made it through. It may have been a struggle but now it is over. I am so full. It makes me feel so unsafe. I want to disappear. That's a theme I've been noticing lately. Wanting to be small because then there will be less of me to hirt. That is false. It's a lie. Anyone can get hurt. No matter their size. I was small when I was hurt so badly. So it doesn't really make sense that I equate safety with size. It will take time but I will learn to rewire my brain so that I do not compare being full to being unsafe. The battle is worth the fight. I know that in my heart. Right now it seems impossible. That is just how recovery works. It is not a linear process. There are ups and downs unfortunately. This morning was a down lunch was an up. It can go both ways even in the same day. I wish it were a linear process. That would be so much easier. That's not how it works though. Aren't things worth having supposed to be difficult to achieve anyways? I believe so. Good things do not often come easily. There are always the good little thinhs throughout the day if you pay attention. The laughter of my nephews. The weather. The smell of lavender when I burn my candle. There are so many little things in life that make it worth living. Don't miss out on those moments. The big ones though, they are hard to come by. They take work. Hard work. In this case, healing from a long ingrained eating disorder, I have a long journey ahead of me. It will be worth it though. In the end I will be glad I am fighting. Right now writing is my main outlet. Oh, for lunch I had hamburger steak, squash, rice, and mushroom gravy. Accompanied by some orange juice. I felt like I portioned too much but Courtney said it was appropriate so I completed my meal. Now back to what I was saying. I have a lot of healing and rewiring to do. Both related to my eating disorder and my past trauma. They are both difficult to overcome. But I have always been a fighter. I know I can win the wars in my mind. I just need to be patient. It's hard but I am trying. I am doing my best and that's all anyone can ask of me. That's all I should ask of myself. Instead I put way more pressure on myself. I need to learn not to push myself past my limits. I was working on some work for Kelly this morning and I started feeling a little bit overwhelmed. Not enough that I was going to do anything harmful but enough that I should have taken a break. Instead I pushed myself and kept working. It's tricky with food though. I always have to push myself or I will never complete a meal. Nit in the mindset I am in now. It won't last forever. That's what I'm telling myself. To keep me going. To keep me fighting. Fighting for recovery. Fighting for freedom. I hope you all keep fighting for it too. I can honestly say it is worth it. I was in recovery for five months and I was so much happier. Life was so much more simple. Of course life itself is a challenge. With the added pressure of having anorexia and PTSD it is almost impossible to bare. I am strong though. I have skills to get me through the hard times. I will use them. I will keep moving forward no matter how hard the journey may be. I have a long road ahead of me and I accept that. I am willing and ready to fight the battles so that I can win the war.
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
Monday, May 22, 2017
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Saturday, May 20, 2017
I woke up early. Like 6 am. Which is insane for a Saturday. I didn't want to eat today. I just woke up with that kind of mind set. The kind that drives me insane. Voices screaming in my head. I decided to ignore it the best I could. I'm living by the golden rule today. I had breakfast. A protein shake which consisted of: ice, milk, yogurt, protein powder, strawberries, and a banana. I did not count calories this morning but I am pretty sure it was less than my meal plan but close to it. I'm getting there. Pulling myself out of this relapse. Now it's starting to fade back into lapses. My dad ate breakfast too. Je usually doesn't but he did to support me. My urges are very high right now. The ED voice is very loud and disappointed in me. It's difficult to fight against... I'm going tanning and shopping with my sister today. I need to get some things to make a care package to my friend who is in treatment. I need to tan so I can be a golden goddess. I hope this is a good day. I'm trying to think positive. Have a lovely day and fight hard. It will be worth it.