Saturday, July 1, 2017

7/1/17

Today has been a whirlwind. Ups and downs as is the life of having an eating disorder. The day started off by me purging breakfast, trying again, and purging again. What a way to start off a day. Then about two hours later I did a very small snack because I thought I could keep it down. I succeeded. After snack I went ziplining with Katie and my dad. It was a lot of fun. I had never been before and it was something on my bucket list that I get to cross off. When we got done zip lining it was almost 2 o'clock. We stopped for lunch. I ate five chicken wings and a few sweet potato fries. It was very challenging and I nearly purged. In a public bathroom nonetheless. Instead I reached out for support. I asked Katie to go to the bathroom knowing I would not allow my eating disorder to get the best of me in Katie's presence. Again, I was successful. Take that stupid eating disorder! We, Katie and I, went to the beach for a while after our fun filled adventure of the day. Then we came back home. I had a small snack, a handful of sweet potato french fries while Katie showered. There's a problem here. Now it was my turn to shower. My eating disorder got the best of me once again and I purged snack. Leaving nothing in my stomach. As I sit here typing this dinner is quickly approaching and I am terrified. I don't want anything in me. I want to stay empty. I am hungry though. I know I need to eat. Katie will eat. So will I. Having her here is such a blessing. She is in a very stable place right now. She is low key like my role model. She isn't even on a meal plan anymore. She simply eats when she is hungry and stops when she is full. I can't wait to get to that point. In other news, I just had dinner. I'm freaking out. I didn't want to do it. Now that I have I want it out so badly. I can't though. I must keep it. I need to keep it. I want to keep it. I want my eating disorder to go to hell. Instead it is placed firmly in my mind nagging away. Pushing me to do things I don't want to do. Driving me insane.